SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So WS and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7 years and have 1 child who's just turned 1.

I found messages on his phone on Christmas morning and he's been sexting and having an online emotional affair with one of his exes who is also now married with children. It started as general chat and about 3 months ago became inappropriate.

I confronted him that morning and then had 2 full days of brave facing it while we were with family. I then asked him to leave for a few days while I had space to think. I informed OBS who confirmed the information I had. And then yesterday WS and I sat down and talked and agreed to try and R. He seemed genuinely remorseful, had already taken action to address some issues such as signing up to IC and requested MC and basically did and said exactly what I'd have wanted him to off his own bat. He didn't try to excuse his behaviour, gave me a full timeline and explained there was more to it than I thought although nothing in person and filled in some gaps for me in terms of our marriage.

I decided he could move back in last night. And then this morning he got a phone call to say that an immediate family member he's very close to is about to pass away and he's devastated. It's all just been so much. I'm still so hurt and angry and processing my own feelings and thoughts and now I feel like I need to once again put on a brave face to support him and his family through saying goodbye and all the grief that goes with that. I'm not sure how I do both at the same time and while I want to be supportive and I know WS is in genuine pain right now, I'm so worried this will end up being an excuse for rug sweeping and we'll just fall into routine while trying to get through this. It's just all been so much and i now feel like I can't be as open with my feelings towards him as him being worried I couldn't handle his emotions or worries was part of what led to him withdrawing from me and our marriage in the first place. Any advice?

I’ve been through something similar. I found out my husband had been having a six month emotional and sexual affair with a coworker when his sister, who we were caring for, was in end-stage metastatic breast cancer. My husband and I and both our kids were very close to her, and her death was traumatic and painful. She died 16 days after DDay, in the height of the Covid pandemic, with all the social and medical complexity that entailed. Trying to keep myself together for my kids, myself, and my husband was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, emotionally. I’m sorry you’re in this place. It’s brutal.

I don’t have a lot of advice other than to take care of yourself, give your husband time, and take it day by day. Give yourself a lot of grace.

If you feel your husband is truly remorseful and invested in truly repairing the relationship (not just rugsweeping), I would say hold a very strong line on practical boundaries like no contact, phone transparency, etc., while realizing that his emotional energy is going to be all over the place. Every person has a finite amount of emotional energy, and he’s going to have to devote his to two heavy tasks: grief and relationship repair. That means each task will take longer.

It’s going to be hard and messy. Combining affair trauma with other trauma makes things a lot harder to figure out, and the process is even more roller coaster-y than it would already be. Try to ground yourself in your own well being and healing. If you can support him in his grief, that’s awesome, but if you can’t, that’s ok, and you certainly aren’t in a position where you can or should be his sole or primary source of emotional support. He should direct himself to other healthy forms of grief support, and you should also seek outside sources of healthy support.

Take it a day at a time. Read Living and Loving after Betrayal by Steven Stosny and do the exercises. Try to do one joyous thing per day with your child, and one small thing that nurtures your soul. Take a walk, do a puzzle, phone a friend, read a book, make something—whatever fulfills you.

Keep posting. I’m not always on here, but I’ll look out for your posts. Take care of yourself. ❤️

One of the hardest things to do when writing to a bs is to be kind but honest. I am so sorry for your loss, the absence of decency in your husband, and his loss of a loved one.

He has barely been married and already out, and about, cheating. It says a lot about his morals.

Was the breakup with his ex his idea, or hers? If hers then he still had feelings for her….the "one who got away". He needs to come clean about that and you cannot let him sweep it under the rug. Regardless of his loss this is your future, and your child’s, that he damaged. Give him a week or two then you need some answers.

Thanks for all the advice and empathy.

She was someone he'd met about 8 years ago while online dating. They had a few dates over two months and he decided she wasn't someone he felt he could have a relationship with so he ended it. Then a year ago she added him on social media, they exchanged a few messages over the last year and I've read them all. They start out very innocent and and very sporadic and then in the last 3 months the nature changed after she drunk messaged him and he then used the opportunity to take the conversation in a different direction which she was clearly on board with. I do feel like I've got a lot of answers from him. I wrote down everything I wanted to know and all that was in my head that didn't make sense and then essentially interviewed him yesterday and asked everything I needed to and I do feel that he's been honest as he also volunteered informed that I wouldn't have otherwise known or asked for. So I do feel for now at least that he's been truthful. I've told him that I want to support him as his wife but that it's important to me that we are still addressing the things that have come to light this week because I'm still reeling a bit from it and it just feels like we've been so busy, also with our baby who's just started a sleep regression that I'm getting pretty much no space to allow myself to feel things because I need to be OK for our son and to keep the atmosphere in the house ok for him.

I'd also say that the bit about this that's most jarring for me is what you say "it says a lot about his morals". WH has never ever been anything more than reliable, dependable, steady and so caring. It's like he's had a complete personality transplant in order to be able to do something like this. I was cheated on repeatedly by an ex and being with WH was almost healing for me in many ways because I felt so emotionally safe with him and I do feel that given my past experiences, my intuition would have been pretty good. I knew about a month or so ago that something was "off" it just took me until Christmas day to have the opportunity to check his phone as i didn't know his pass codes. I've never even felt the remote need to look before and we've always felt rock solid but it's been hard to prioritise each other since our baby came along so I knew we were rocky, but I wouldn't have ever anticipated this. I actually only checked to reassure myself with the intention that I'd then tell him I'd looked and we would talk about why I felt the need. But obviously reassurance was not what I found.

What concerns me is your saying things were "rocky". Life is like that. Everyone has ups and downs. Are his boundaries so fluid that a glitch caused him to ratchet up what might have been no more than an online friendship. I know putting the word "morals" in there was somewhat abrasive but your husband emotionally cheated on you. Your analogy(and I am sorry) that he is overall a good man makes this sound like he stole a lot of money but is overall a trustworthy person. That is why I think you need HIM to figure out why he gave himself permission to do this. That is the crux of it. I am sure he loves you. I am sure he got a "high" out of it but look at the cost.

I am so very sorry this happened to you. Please take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you had to find us. The loss of a loved one on top of the infidelity can make your head spin.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

First, you need to recover, then work towards reconciliation. IC (individual counseling) for you each to heal. When you're healed and in a better spot emotionally and mentally, then MC. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat, your WH (wayward husband) did. Some MCs will shift some of the blame for the A (affair) onto you. While you are responsible for 50% of the state of the M, the cheating is 100% on him.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a really good resource that your WH could use, and I suggest you read it, too. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. One of the chapters I really liked was the chapter on windows and walls, which discusses having windows (transparency) with your partner and walls (boundaries) to keep other people not in your relationship out.

This might be nit-picking, but I think infidelity often says more about self-worth than morals. Having said that – I do think self-worth is reflected in morals and values. Like if I was aware of my self-worth then I wouldn’t be tempted to steal a million dollars even if I had the opportunity and thought I could get away with it. Partially due to morals, partially due to my list of values.

I think that the vast majority (and even all…) infidelity is due to some form of validation. We all need and seek validation in some form or another. Most of us get in in a healthy way; we see and appreciate love from our spouse, kids, family… We get affirmation from friends, coworkers, our boss, customers, peers… We reach goals we set ourselves, we keep our weight, pay our bills and set aside money…
For many that validation can be totally internal – we are self-sufficient. For others… we need eternal validation like the direct praise of other. Nothing bad or unusual about that – like being called out as salesman of the year, or being asked to join the board of a committee or whatever can give positive validation.

But… for some, the validation that the emotional and sexual attention of someone else gives…. That’s the kicker. That’s the snort of coke, or shot of heroin they thought they needed…

This is why I think IC is key to personal recovery if a WS wants out of infidelity. I think that other than sociopaths a WS KNOWS they are doing wrong. They can find all sorts of excuses, ranging from "he/she will never know" and "what they don’t know won’t hurt them" to "ILYBNILWY" and "the marriage has been dead for a year" or whatever. But those are still only excuses to explain to themselves why it’s OK for them to do wrong. As a cop I heard the road-way equivalent in "I was only following the flow of traffic" and "I have a really important meeting and I am a very careful driver". They need to realize what made them twist their thoughts in such a way that they moved past their values and morals to get their fix.

As part of that recovery – then with time and probably through IC – the WS finally has to stand in front of the betrayed spouse and fully acknowledge the blame and accountability for their actions.

Reconciling is a journey…
I don’t think a WS is capable of the level of self-evaluation, self-accountability, realizing the scope of the damage done and all that for weeks or even months after d-day. That’s OK… as long as there is progress and as long as they get there eventually.
Like… If your husband was to apologize NOW and was able to speak his mind with no constraints, I’m guessing he would tell you how sorry he was and that he does realize and knew all the time it was wrong, but at the end there would be a "but" and then some explanation that was really and excuse. Same scenario maybe half a year from now… that apology would end before the "but".

I think that if you two realize and understand this is a journey and that it takes time then you should easily be able to support him through the oncoming loss.
In some ways it has to be that he looks at you and feels a cold sweat break out when he realizes what he risked, and how fortunate he is that you gave him a chance to come good.

I see you two are doing MC…
Please – don’t go to MC to discover why he cheated… Has NOTHING to do with the marriage and it would allow him to hide behind his excuses. MC can be used to deal with how you communicate, when to deal with the issues due to the loss, when to deal with infidelity, hold each other accountable etc, but there is no way you will find the reason he cheated in MC.

I think Bigger’s message is valid.

Bigger, thank you for your consistent wise counsel. Your posts are well thought out and benefit us all.

(Sorry if this is a t/j)