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Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.

I made the best I could of the holiday but I had another mostly sleepless night.

I go home today. I am looking forward to being at home as it’s has been hard to go through this in a hotel. But also im worried it might be difficult as I am used to having him living with me.

We spoke yesterday to sort out the flights home and making arrangements to move his stuff etc. he was just completely cold and uncaring. No emotion at all. He wants to move his stuff out as soon as we get home. He is snappy and almost seems angry. I am civil and having as little contact with him as possible.

It’s just such a shock. I don’t recognise this person at all. I feel like I never knew him. This is a different person completely.

I am reflecting back on red flags. When we first met he did show signs of jealousy and accused me of cheating (which of course I would never do) and his demeanour was similar to how he is now. But that stopped when I told him thst our relationship wouldn’t work if he didn’t trust me. Then things were great for about 13 months. Lovely holidays, camping, lots of love and commitment etc. But the last 2 months have not been good. He has been distant and seemed irritated with me most of the time.

I know that if I can get through infidelity I can get through this too.

Thanks for listening. It’s so nice to be able to reach out from my hotel room!

Summertime, be strong, and as someone else posted, be THANKFUL you are out of this without wasting further precious months or years of time with a man who most likely had a mental illness which isn't something apparent - until it is. (Because he sounds worse than just a jerk, he may have a severe mood disorder.)

I know you're in a lot of pain and his behavior is ice cold and cruel, but at least he's not stringing you along anymore.

Although the break up on NYE seemed sudden (who the heck breaks up on vacation on a holiday?!) from what you've said in your follow up comments, it really does seem like there were a ton of red flags and that he hasn't been treating you well for a while now.

The fact that the trash is taking itself out is cause for celebration. You're starting the new year fresh without this asshole stinking up the place.

There will be a lot for you to unpack when you get home and you get over the initial stage of grief, but if there's one bit of advice to keep in mind going forward its this: you don't owe anyone the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't matter how much of a prince he was during the courtship phase; the minute a guy starts treating you poorly, cut him loose.

I wish you peace. Nobody should have to go through this. I wonder if this guy wasn't limerent with you. If so, get him out of your life as soon as possible. Throw him out as if he were a bag of garbage. Be as cold and short with him as you want. He's probably counting on your decency. If he can't be nice to you, at least make him respect you. Drop him like a hot rock.

Thank you all for your support. Your messages have kept me going through a week from hell.

I returned late home last night. The journey back was just awful. We had to sit together on the plane as there were no spare seats. He was so cold and uncaring. Barely spoke throughout the whole 4.5 hour flight. When he did speak to me he was just mean. I just got so upset as I do not recognise this person at all! it was like he was a complete stranger. Bad tempered, mean stranger. Unrecognisable from the man I have lived with and been in a relationship with for the last 1.5 years.

In the end it all got too much and I went to the flight attendant area to see if there was any possible way I could move. They could see that I was upset. They were truly amazing. They let me sit in there cabin area for the rest of the flight. They let me cry and made me tea. I let it all out has I had been holding it in all holiday.I didn’t want him to see me upset. I had to return to my seat just before we landed. He didn’t even ask me if I was ok or show any emotion.

He has gone to live in a house share and I have just finished bagging up his stuff. It all feels very surreal.

Any traits or signs of covert narcissism? Because this all sounds downright personality disordered. The only people who turn cold and mean to people they are suddenly discarding are those who are disordered. Or cheaters. Or both.

This guy is not right.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:21 PM, Friday, January 5th]

You dodged a huge bullet. I agree with OIN, something is not right with that guy.

That was so nice of the flight attendant to take care of you!!

I agree with all of you. There is something not right. I am feeling much better now I’m back at home. He collected his stuff today and it’s actually nice to be at home on my own.

I’m sure I may have some up and down days but I feel ok. I think having previous experience of trauma makes us strong. The strength has never left me.

I’ve spent the day with friends which was lovely.

Thank you all so much again for your support. It really helped me get through the holiday.

Hi everyone. Well he collected the last of his things yesterday. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye. He messaged me later to apologise for his behaviour on holiday. He has messaged about our joint spa membership and things like that. But cold messages.

I’m really trying my very best to be strong through this but it’s really hard. He lived with me and it’s really affected me. I barely slept last night as I’m used to him sleeping in bed with me. There are reminders everywhere in my home. I’ve cleared all his stuff and there are no physical reminders but it still seems hard, an empty space on the sofa etc.

I think this has just brought up all of the trauma from my previous relationship. It took me so long to learn to trust again. I know he hasn’t cheated on me but the cold behaviour has been so hard to deal with. He knew my history when we met and always said how much he loved me. He always said he wouldn’t hurt me. He was always super affectionate. I know it’s wrong but he helped me get over my ex. I know it’s normal for people to go cold at the end of a relationship but this so difficult to deal with.

It’s hard to go back to the sleepless nights and not eating again. I’m know it probably sounds pathetic but I feel like I’m back where I was 2 years ago.

Thank you for listening.

Hey, summer, big hugs from me.

The end of a relationship is never easy, but tbh, I think you've dodged a bullet in the long run. What decent partner doesn't communicate any issues they're having in the relationship? What decent partner just dumps you on a holiday trip and stonewalls you for the duration of it? Not to mention that half-assed apology over text.

His words said one thing, but his actions were the complete opposite. It definitely seemed like you were more invested in the relationship than he was.

Maybe what I'm saying isn't quite what you wanted to hear. You say he did help you to love and trust someone again - appreciate that for what it is, but don't mourn the douche canoe he revealed himself to be.

Thank you so much for your responses. I keep rereading them and they are helping get through. Thank you

Hi everyone I hope you don’t mind me reaching out to you all again. I just feel really confused regarding my feelings and what is going on for me right now.

So he came to collect the last of his stuff today. I had been trying to arrange this for the last couple of weeks as I just wanted to take control and for it all to be over. My past experiences have taught me a lot in how to deal with things.

So basically tonight my ex was pleasant but kind of told me that he didn’t understand me being upset and angry re our relationship ending. He basically said that you just try to see if a relationship works and if it doesn’t you go your separate ways. It’s a simple as that.He said that he didn’t understand me getting angry and upset. I didn’t get angry but I just said that I struggled with how cold me was and breaking up with me on holiday/NYE.. We exchanged a few texts over the last few weeks to arrange him collecting his things and all he talked about was the joint memberships we had to a spa and other practical things. Which I responded to my saying that I felt if that was his main concern that told me a lot about him a a person. I did get emotional but not overall emotional.

Tonight when he came over he was so calm. It just made me think is it me? I know when I met him that I wasn’t over my ex cheating on me in such a horrible way. My ex cheating on me when I trusted him so much, after years together, broke me in a way. It made me feel like I am damaged in some way. That I am carrying this hurt in to other relationships. That maybe I’m not rational.

I’ve had so much counselling. And been strong. I’ve done all the right things. But this relationship ending has made me question so many things about myself.

It took me a long time to trust this new relationship. And he left me too. He was so loving and caring and seemed the opposite of my cheating ex. That’s what makes it so much harder.

Thank you for listening.

Summer. HE IS A JERK.

Seriously.

Yes he’s right that if a relationship is not working out then you break up. But how he did it was just freakin’ mean.
Even dangerous in that you were in a different country.

Now that he has all his stuff, block him. Have a good cry, and then shut the door on him for good.

Please picture if he did this to one of your friends or a sister? He really sounds like a cold mother-fu##$. Like is he dead behind his eyes?

You are not wrong. He’s just a snake.
(And sorry - I know how hard this is.)

I just read this thread. You are lucky he showed you his true colours.

He used you callously. What a Ahole.

Consider it a narrow escape, I can’t imagine being married to a man like that.

I am sorry you have been treated so badly, no one deserves that

I am so sorry. He is such a jerk. I know it is hard to see it from your perspective, but from what you have shared, he used you. He preyed on your vulnerability coming out your past relationship. You are not the first one on these pages coming out of infidelity to have been taken in by someone who seems perfect and loving, but is just using them. Don’t doubt yourself. You are the prize. Get stronger for you. Work on fixing your picker, especially now that you know these charlatans exist. Please don’t give a second thought to the jerk, other than a tough learning experience. I am glad you are getting away from him. Good luck.

He acts like a sociopath. You were a thing to him, not a human being. A psychologist said all sociopaths are narcissists. They love bomb you, get what they want and move on. He might have his eye on someone else. If so I feel sorry for her because he is going to pull the same thing.

Please thank your lucky stars he is gone. I know it hurts but imagine putting years in and then he pulls this garbage.

You don’t give much info on him but it sounds like he was by himself until he met you. So where were his buddies? Where was his family. One huge flag is someone who easily skates thru life mostly alone.

Take care of your health. Take something for anxiety and depression until you get to the other side.

Thank you all so much for your supportive posts. They are making all the difference to me at the moment.

I think he was a bit of a drifter to be honest but that has only become apparent until now. When I met him he was living with his brother in lodgings. He is from outside the UK and had moved here about 15 years ago to work as the pay is so much more here. He works as a labourer. I didn’t really judge this as he was hard working and that was enough for me. I’m not the sort of person to judge what someone has financially.

Yes there was definitely a strong honeymoon period. He told me he loved me early on, bought me flowers and thoughtful gifts all the time. Told me I was beautiful, clever, kind, all of those things. Cute pet names. It felt like he really adored me and couldn’t do enough for me. My ex always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough so this felt amazing. We then went on loads of holidays exploring Europe together (he paid for himself). He was so loving and super affectionate. Something I hadn’t had for many years. I kept saying to him at the time please don’t hurt me as I have been so hurt in the past. I held back but when he said he wanted to move in I thought he must be serious about me. We made so many plans for the future, looked into buying a small boat. He said he loved living with me on the coast.

As he lived in a town 1hr away we decided he would move into my place and pay me rent (I own my own place). It was like we didn’t want to be apart from each other.

At first things were great but then he slowly began to distance himself and go cold. I kept asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t tell me. Made excuses about work. Was grumpy and was the complete and total opposite of how he was at the beginning. I could feel the tension. He was even grumpy with me on my birthday.

He ended things he said because he needs to speak his own language. That there are cultural differences.

I think for me the hardest part is that he is just totally calm and so over it. He doesn’t understand why I am upset. There are literally no emotions registering with him at all. Nothing! He just told me that he wasn’t happy for the last few months and he ‘can feel the difference already’ now our relationship is over. He said he is happy now. He even went clubbing with his friends in London this weekend. He looked and spoke like a completely different person. He told me to be calm and that I would get over it and move on. He said when relationships end that is it and does not understand why I am emotional and ‘so up and down’. He hasn’t even really apologised for how he ended things. Even his eyes were cold.

He told me that he is now relocating to the north of England. That his work have set up his contract and arranged his accommodation. He goes in the next few weeks. I was shocked as he always said he loved being by the sea. But he said that is where the money is. It was all very black and white.

Thank you for listening to me. I know I’m rambling on but it’s very hard to deal with the coldness. And it is bringing up the emotions from the past.

I forgot to add that he didn’t seem to want to spend time with any of his friends when we were together. He never went out and was always at home. We did everything together.

I forgot to add that he didn’t seem to want to spend time with any of his friends when we were together. He never went out and was always at home. We did everything together.

He also told me that he wanted to end things earlier but stayed with me for my birthday and Christmas as he didn’t want to upset me which made me feel like such a fool.

I will be so much more careful in future.

Oh lovely, you are no fool but someone whose kindness has been taken advantage of. Can i encourage you to head over to the New Beginnings forum, I think you’ll find a lot of understanding and support there. A complete lack of empathy like his is mind boggling to those of us who are empathic. We can’t know his pathology from afar, the term drifter seems very apposite, he might have a very disordered attachment style, but I’d encourage you to really focus on you, as trying to puzzle him out will get you nowhere. The more I look around, I get affirmed, despite horrendous news stories or stories here on SI, that the majority of people are kind and safe. You just were unlucky that he drifted in and out of your life. Perhaps you can reframe it into a learning opportunity, and one where the conclusion is not that you are a fool, but perhaps simply that shoring up your boundaries and developing a new love of independence are your new short term goals. Be very kind to yourself now. Self compassion, self care and self nurturing are the best antidote to his mind boggling coldness.