LeperMessiah,
I have a dear friend who was literally in the same position as you just last year. I’ve known him and his wife for many, many years. I’m not sure if this will help you, but here is what changed for him.
We tend to focus on "happiness". Do you know happiness is fleeting? We are not promised happiness. And happiness is not something we will ever feel each moment of our day. It comes and goes. Do you know why you feel happy with your AP? Because you don’t have the ins and outs of grueling life with your AP. The times you are with her you feel elated and happy. Of course you do. Life is what you do with your wife. A vacation is what you do with your AP. It’s hard to reconcile that reality while you’re in the midst of it.
So here’s what my friend realized and it’s exactly what you’re battling. Do you know why you haven’t left your wife? Because you know that true commitment comes in form of the person you chose to do life with, the person that will stand by you come hell or high water. If you battle cancer, dementia, loss of bodily functions, your wife will be the person who goes through the battle with you. You know that. It’s not your AP. She will flee. For that you can be certain.
So he realized that butterflies leave, but true love and commitment will be the person who changes your adult diaper when you reach that phase of life. He stayed and they are fighting to find a "new marriage". The one they had is destroyed. You have to accept that and build a new marriage. But who will be the one who never leaves you? If your AP left you right now, would you be on the doorstep of your home needing the comfort and security of your wife’s arms? I assure you that is exactly where you would be. Begging for your wife to take you back because you know she ultimately had your back the entire time.
I am not about telling anyone what to do. I assure you I’ve had my fair share of moments I’ve had to go through myself. But I’ll give you the same advice I gave my friend. Look forward 10 years and who do you see standing by your side and taking care of you when it’s needed? Look at your family and see if destroying those you’ve made a life with is worth it. When you’re 75, retired, and your grandkids are running around, who do you see yourself sharing those moments with? You can build your marriage again, you just have to decide what life you ultimately want in the end.
I wish you the best.
[This message edited by Hutch at 3:37 PM, Friday, February 23rd]