SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have two sons 7 & 5.

My older son seemingly has been unphased by the separation. He was upset when we told them that mommy and daddy wouldn't be living together anymore, but he's also autistic and so he doesn't fully comprehend everything that's been happening.

My younger son is significantly more sensitive and has been acting out at school. Ever since the affair started his behaviors escalated. It got really bad in Nov/Dec when we had to pick him up early from school for hitting other kids 3 or 4 times a week almost every week. For a period there he got better but it's started back up again. I noticed it previously and am noticing again that his behaviors seem to only happen after he's been with him mom. While I haven't been tracking exactly, I'm fairly certain that the past 8 or 9 out of 10 times directly happened right after or during the time that they were with their mom.

I'm not saying she's a bad mom. She sends snapchats to our family and from what I can tell they are eating/being fed/etc. I do think she let's them watch too much tv or ipad and although I've tried to have conversations with her about it she just get defensive and bites my head off. There was an incident in the fall where I discovered she had let the boys use the ipads for 6 hours in one day. I kept calm and tried to have a conversation about how we would co-parent but she just lit into me telling me that I'm tracking her. We decided from there that we would each parent our own way.

I don't want to take the kids from their mom. I'm concerned there's something about the environment with her that is not right and I don't know what to do about it.

I am going to start tracking these kind of incidents but has anyone else experienced this?

I think write down what he is experiencing in school and so forth. I mean it’s not ideal they spent that much time in their iPads but when you go to be a single parent I can understand sometimes it’s more difficult to get things done. I am not giving her a pass, but if this was a pretty isolated event for a 6 hour day, I don’t even think those sorts of things are worth bringing up. Everyone has an off day.

However, the behavior he is exhibiting is concerning. I would maybe suggest getting a professional involved under the umbrella of being concerned that you would like him to have someone objective to see if there are things that might help him more with the adjustment. She should be concerned about this too. That way he can go in and talk with them and maybe a plan can be made from what is discovered.

Also it starts a precedent because having an objective party involved from time to time might be needed. (It also would provide more official documentation instead of it coming down to a he said /she said)

Five year olds sometimes just have an adjustment as school becomes more formal. Mine did and there wasn’t anything wrong with her home life. But because your gut tells you it’s something more than that then I think you need to listen to it. I’m assuming that you have already tried talking with him about his behavior, what did you ask him, what did he say?

I don’t know the history in your ex wife. Did you have concerns about her parenting prior to the affair? Do you think she is bringing new "friends" around?

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:11 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

I think write down what he is experiencing in school and so forth. I mean it’s not ideal they spent that much time in their iPads but when you go to be a single parent I can understand sometimes it’s more difficult to get things done. I am not giving her a pass, but if this was a pretty isolated event for a 6 hour day, I don’t even think those sorts of things are worth bringing up. Everyone has an off day.

However, the behavior he is exhibiting is concerning. I would maybe suggest getting a professional involved under the umbrella of being concerned that you would like him to have someone objective to see if there are things that might help him more with the adjustment. She should be concerned about this too. That way he can go in and talk with them and maybe a plan can be made from what is discovered.

Also it starts a precedent because having an objective party involved from time to time might be needed. (It also would provide more official documentation instead of it coming down to a he said /she said)

Five year olds sometimes just have an adjustment as school becomes more formal. Mine did and there wasn’t anything wrong with her home life. But because your gut tells you it’s something more than that then I think you need to listen to it. I’m assuming that you have already tried talking with him about his behavior, what did you ask him, what did he say?

I don’t know the history in your ex wife. Did you have concerns about her parenting prior to the affair? Do you think she is bringing new "friends" around?

I will be starting to track those kind of things. I'm going to be reaching out to some behavioral and play therapists. I agree that it needs to be an objective third party. My gut tells me something is off. Part of the thing is that he's not like that AT ALL with me. She's always asking me "is he like this with you" or "does he do that with you" and it's all of these not great behaviors and the answer is almost always "no" or "barely". I'm not experiencing what she's experiencing.

When I talk with him he usually says its because he's angry or sad or he doesn't know. His verbal skills aren't where they should be and I do think that could be a contributing factor. He has an IEP and does speech therapy at school.

My concerns around her parenting were basically that she didnt seem capable of doing it on her own. She never would take them anywhere, meanwhile I would dump them in the car on a sat or sun morning and take both of them with me out to go do something to give her time to herself. Whenever I would travel for work (Maybe 1-2 days a month) she would always describe it as just trying to survive. I know every parent is different and I cant hold her to any sort of standard but I've always sort of seen how she parents and thought "she seems unlike any other mother I can see". She has some nurturing instincts but she never really seemed to enjoy being a mom. Maybe she just really regretted it. Our second son was a surprise and he came quick. They are 19 months apart. I know she struggled with that and it's entirely possible there was some PPD that didn't get addressed.

Like you she seemed to start suffering an existential crisis in the fall of 2022. She got promoted to manager at her work and then the same day we found out her older sister boyfriend had hung himself. So she flew down to florida and spent 10 days with her sister and mom. That was the point she told me she started questioning herself and whether or not she was happy. Subsequently tried to make me feel like it was my fault she had an affair.

All this to say, she seems to be a capable parent now. She's spending more time (since she has them half time) then she ever did before. She barely cooks so I know she just takes them out for panera or pizza 1-2 a week when she has them. I wish she could have just been this parent when we were together. I wish she had tried and not just given up and had bad coping skills.

I do not think she is bringing around the other guy. Her older sister is a family lawyer and has warned her not to introduce him to the boys for at least a year.

I have a lot of unresolved anger around the guy specifically because of stuff she said to him in text messages during the affair that I read.

I'm still dealing with a lot.

Your post really resonated with me. Like you, my kids are 19 months apart. They are both graduated now, but the initial separation was difficult for them to navigate. Some women are just not naturally maternal, just like some men are not naturally paternal. Mine was and is nott mother material. Now, I cannot speak to your situation, so I'll relate mine and hope at least something helps.

My EXWW came from a very dysfunctional home, with a surly, abusive father who really screwed up her view of me, and a passive mother who screwed up her view of women. Together, they screwed up her view of relationships. Lucky me. Thus, proper, healthy modeling was never a thing for her.

Her A was rooted in a need to be "happy" and "self actualized"... the usual bullshit. She could have used a good dose of Seneca.

Anyway,fast forward to S/D. The kids had two homes and alternated weekly. Her home was chaotic and spacious. Dinner was seldom made and the fridge often empty. The girls had to fend for themselves, often asking me for leftovers for the first night with their mom.

Comparatively, every Sunday when I picked them up, I made sure I had a comfort meal in the oven, waiting for their arrival. I wanted them to associate coming to dad's house with good, positive memories. We would even play a game where I would pick them up and they would be starved, asking if I made anything. I would act confused and forgetful, feigning incompetence. Then, when the entered, they would get hit with the smell of a family dinner. In five-years,I failed only twice.

If I am being honest, there was a small part of me that wanted to show them and to some degree their mother, that I was not only the better parent, but just how much she lost. But there was a much bigger part that wanted to preserve their childhoods. I felt like I had failed as a husband and father, and I wanted to mitigate the damage I caused I choosing to leave their mother.

I am a deeply damaged and flawed man. I used to be so many things before the A, and it seems those things are lost. But, despite everything, I've tried to rebuild with the tools I've been given. My girls miss the old me, at least they have said as much, but he is dead. The new me, a little battered and bruised, keeps moving forward, undefeated. What is interesting, is that both girls have chosen to live with me after graduation, so I take that as a win. It's funny. When I tell people, usually women, I get an "Oh, really..." then they usually say something bland and move on.

You can't control your EXWW and how she parents. And unless it harms the kids, it's just something you will have to navigate and endure
As infuriating as that is. What you can control is how you parent, the home you create for them. Make itthe best you can. They will take it for granted when they're with you and miss it when they see not. You could not ask for more. And, as they get older, they may gravitate towards you more, just as mine did. Hopefully, they will have a good relationship with their mother, but that is on her, not you.

She's always asking me "is he like this with you" or "does he do that with you" and it's all of these not great behaviors and the answer is almost always "no" or "barely". I'm not experiencing what she's experiencing.

I will say that children like boundaries and she may just simply be more permissive than you. My children all had a different level of acting out when my husband was present. (We are not divorced and infidelity happened after they were all raised) it may be the lack of structure and boundaries of one parent versus the other. I think play therapy would be a good start.