SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m back. I always feel better after posting here and then reading and feeling the support. Thanks. My WW did go see our attorney and we’re pretty much on the same page. The one thing that she wants is to lock in is my share of the college expenses. That’s a hard no for me. I’m willing to pay, but if things take a wrong turn with the girls, I don’t want to be on the hook for thousands of dollars. Attorney says we can get his whole thing done in six months. That’s a relief.

I found an apartment really close to my office that I like. It’s a tough rental market here, so I took it. It’s a year lease with a three month buy-out if I leave early. I can live with that. I’ve also been ordering a ton of kitchen and bathroom stuff from Amazon. The apartment management office is going to hold it for me. I’m using Ikea for everything else. It’s not very exciting, but for now, I really don’t care much.

Last night my WW came to my room and asked if we could have sex one last time. I was shocked, but from what I’ve read on here, I shouldn’t have been. I have to admit that part of me really, really wanted to. The emotions are just really confusing. I also wanted to say something very hurtful, but I just said no, I wasn’t going there. Later, I heard her crying in her room I don’t know if it’s remorse or regret and I guess at this point it really doesn’t matter. As soon as I get moved, I’m going to talk with the girls, my in-laws and our close friends. I can’t take on anything else until I get moved. At this point, I don’t think I want to do it together. I’ll see how I feel when I get closer to it.

There’s been a few questions for me, so I’ll try to answer them. I haven’t pressed WW on her whys or asked for a timeline. At this point I just don’t care to engage and it really won’t change anything. If anything, I’d probably feel worse. Also, I just don’t see the point in asking WW what she would do if the situation was reversed. Some have suggested that I may be moving too fast and that would close the door on possibly reconnecting. I disagree. I know this may seem fast to some, but I know myself and what I can live with. It’s a painful process, but I know it’s the right course for me. While I won’t rule out reconnecting at some point after the D, I think it’s pretty remote chance. I start IC next week and I know I have months, probably years of work to do. Wondering if my WW would even be a candidate for R down the road is just not on my radar now.

Finally, I’m a little concerned about my emotions and controlling them – something that I’ve always been really good at. One of my teams made a huge blunder yesterday and in a meeting about it , I just lost it. I’ve always been a good boss, mentor and coach and I just can’t believe I could do that. I left the meeting for a few minutes and then came back in and apologized. I told them I was going through a really painful divorce and that I’m wound pretty tight right now. I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I actually felt better afterwards. That’s the first time I’ve told anyone what’s going on with me.

Again, thank you for taking the time to offer support. It appreciated more than you could possibly know.

It looks like you are handling this very well. All things considered.
Having sex one last was not unexpected but probably surprising. It seems like a very manipulative move on her part. If you still want to have sex with her then what she did is not that bad and may look like like you forgive her...or she is still so special that you want her.
Blowing up at work, it is good you gave a reason. There is a good chance that 50% of the people in your office have been tru a divorce and understand...

JustCrushed

Don't forget self-care!

This is a lot of trauma that you are dealing with. I don't think anyone here would say that you're moving "too fast." If anything many of us see you acting decisively and with conviction in response to a shocking level of treachery by your WW.

I know you haven't pushed your WW for answers but did she volunteer anything on why she did this?

Sounds like you're taking steps and moving forward.

At the risk of beating a dead horse, when re-reading this thread, I picked up something I had previously missed:

We don’t have any children together. We talked quite a bit about it when we were dating and we both wanted them. Then, a month before the wedding, WW came to me in tears and said she just couldn’t go through having babies again. The girls had just started school, her career was taking off and she just couldn’t do it again. She said she’d understand if I couldn’t accept that. It was an agonizing couple of days. I loved her, I loved the girls and her family had totally embraced me – all of it a first in my life. I finally decided that I just couldn’t throw it all away for something that might or might not happen. I sometimes feel a twinge of sadness, but overall all, I’ve been really happy the past fourteen years.

In some of my prior posts, I mentioned how your WW seemed almost mercenary in her approach towards this affair. Like the girls went off to school and she stepped out and got a side piece. On purpose.

The quote above resonates with that sense of your WW. She was 29 when you got married. Could easily have had a kid with you, taken maternity leave, and returned to her career after that. Millions of professional women do this around that same age and maintain good momentum in their professional careers, especially where they have a husband at home, like you, who will carry a lot of weight.

Child bearing is one of the foundational decisions young couples contemplating marriage discuss. It is critically important to be transparently honest on one's wishes in this regard BEFORE committing to marry. I think your WW was not honest with you. At the very least, it's the height of being shitty to spring a 180-degree change on that issue on the eve of a wedding. It smacks of a highly narcissistic personality, which by the way is also the kind of personality that commits adultery.

My bet is that she planned all along to not have kids with you. She married you because she knew you'd be steady and reliable and a good stepfather to her girls.

The sense of being used feels very strong here. I could be way off the mark, but I don't believe I am. The fact that she is pushing to lock you into funding college as part of the divorce is consistent with my sense of her. She bait-&-switched you 14 years ago on the issue of having a third child with you. She has enjoyed your financial participation into raising her daughters all these years. Now, she's trying to lock you into more of this after a divorce catalyzed by adultery. Not just adultery, but unusually cruel and even hostile form of adultery. The whole thing reeks of entitlement.

Which leads me to another point:

Finally, I’m a little concerned about my emotions and controlling them – something that I’ve always been really good at.

Anger is what you should be feeling now. A lot of it. Rage even. That would be normal for a man in your position. It's not healthy to bottle up anger. You should uncork it in your conversations with your WW, at least after the D is final. Don't let it rise to the level of abuse, of course, but make it clear that you are profoundly hurt and deeply angry.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:20 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Others have said similar but I am very happy I did not tell her what I knew from going through her phone (which is how I found out). I told her I knew she was cheating and I want her to tell me the details. I asked questions I knew the answers to. It's been 6 weeks and there's still a few details I'm asking for that I know the answer to but she isn't telling me. If I tell her what I know, it gives her the chance to make excuses and cover stories.

Inthethickofit,

Welcome to the best of the worst type of club to be part of!

You might want to start your own thread so that you get dedicated responses

Fair enough. I was just wondering how she even started the affair. But your right, it happened, it signaled the end of her vows and your marriage. Time to look forward.

I agree on not guaranteeing the girls college tuition. You’re a good guy and will do what is right.

As for the others, I believe those who are affected by the end of the marriage deserve the truth as to why it happened. When the time is right make sure the girls know and dont only get their information from their mom.

Same for the parents and your siblings and anyone else you deem as "need to know"

I don’t think you’re moving too fast and you have the 3 mo out of you decide to change course.

Finally, I’m a little concerned about my emotions and controlling them

That's the emotional roller coaster that comes along with infidelity. It's your brain on trauma. If you can find a good IC, they can help you work through them. Also, going to the gym or yoga or a walk can help.

I am going to agree with Butforthegrace.
She also wants to lock in funds for her kids in the divorce. If she was truly remorseful she wouldn’t ask for it.

I am not sure who thinks you are moving fast. I think you should run before she has a chance to manipulate the situation further. I don’t know what her motive was in wanting to have sex one last time. Again a very selfish move, knowing how traumatized you have been.

Get help, confide in friends. Be kind to yourself.

JC,

I believe your detachment from any further investigations into your WW's reasons, motivations, etc, is very wise. From a practical perspective, it is wasted energy. I think everyone who has followed your thread, and the way you have handled this, will understand why you are such a good manager. And that extends to your management of yourself.

Feelings after betrayal are often called 'the emotional rollercoaster' here, because we are up high one minute, and down low the next. Sometimes multiple times a day. It is only natural that pressure builds up, and the incident with the team that messed up was just too much for that particular day. The fact that you apologized and opened up like you did was exactly the right thing to do. Admitting to being hurt, or asking for help, can be hard to do, but we are never stronger than when we do those things.

It is incredibly healthy and cathartic to open up an let those feelings out, and I hope you have people around you that you can do that with, as well as with us. Every man or woman here who has walked the same path will have felt every second of what you went through as if we were there beside you when the dam broke. The number of virtual bro hugs that the people here would like to send you would knock you over!

You are a good man, JC, and you deserve better than what you were given. I also feel that, given the kind of person you are, you will find what you are looking for.

Right now having complete control of your emotions isn’t going to happen. You’d have to be a sociopath to pull that off. If a year from now you still can’t, then you have a problem.

At this point I’d agree that having details wouldn’t do you any good. Besides, you can always change your mind and ask later if you really wanted.

As things progress, look for her to turn up the heat. I agree with others here, you’ve probably got a narc on your hands. Read as much as you can about that trait and apply to your situation.

I’m back. I always feel better after posting here and then reading and feeling the support. Thanks. My WW did go see our attorney and we’re pretty much on the same page. The one thing that she wants is to lock in is my share of the college expenses. That’s a hard no for me. I’m willing to pay, but if things take a wrong turn with the girls, I don’t want to be on the hook for thousands of dollars. Attorney says we can get his whole thing done in six months. That’s a relief.

I agree with the others - this is a red flag. Like I stated earlier IGNORE her words and her tears and pay attention to her actions. She is thinking about how much more support she can get out of you before the girls are out of the house completely.She might have had ulterior motives the whole time. The timing of her affair is interesting - it comes at a time when the kids are grown and you have helped pay for everything. You can not be sure of her intentions so it's best to focus on healing and self care. You have given enough including not having your own biological children to give anymore. Good luck and I hope you can maintain a relationship with your stepdaughters.

Some have suggested that I may be moving too fast and that would close the door on possibly reconnecting.

I disagree. I think you’re handling yourself admirably. If you two were meant to be together, then nothing closes the door on reconnecting, not even divorce. There’s been many couples that started over completely from scratch after divorce.

It would be interesting to test her remorse and see if she follows through with her needed-required IC, AFTER DIVORCE. Even if she doesn’t reconcile with you, she still needs to genuinely reconcile with herself before ever getting into another relationship, or she’ll just hurt somebody else. Truly remorseful WSs continue on with fixing their shit even though the marriage could not be saved.

That’s how I knew my WS was full of shit. When the first thing she did after filling for D was to cancel her IC. Said it was a waste of her time. She’s out there now still living like a wayward.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:54 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

JustCrushed, so when do you plan to move into the apartment? Probably 1st of April, hopefully sooner?

Last night my WW came to my room and asked if we could have sex one last time.

Glad you turned her down... it would have not been the "last time" to your WW. She would try to use it as the beginning of a new relationship with you. I hope you can move out ASAP, I doubt this will be her last attempt. She may go to extremes... walking around the house naked or in lingerie is not unheard of... and wouldn't it be a kick to the teeth if after all this time she stopped taking her birth control and baby trapped you as the ultimate hail mary.

One of my teams made a huge blunder yesterday and in a meeting about it , I just lost it. I’ve always been a good boss, mentor and coach and I just can’t believe I could do that. I left the meeting for a few minutes and then came back in and apologized. I told them I was going through a really painful divorce and that I’m wound pretty tight right now. I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I actually felt better afterwards. That’s the first time I’ve told anyone what’s going on with me.

I know you're starting IC next week but do you have a good friend that you can unload on? This site is great, but we are faceless, anonymous posters... nothing can replace a solid buddy that you can trust to talk things out with over a couple of cold ones (but not more than 2.) Also, while it's too early now, got any single buddies that you can see running around with in the not too distant future?

You're doing great JustCrushed, get out as quick as possible and continue to take care of yourself... workout, drink water, eat clean and sleep as best as you can.

The gall of your WW trying to lock you in on paying a percentage of her daughters' college expenses after what she has done is beyond chutzpah.

Just crushed,

I would agree to adding the tuition guarantee clause your adulterous ex is asking for. With one condition included in the divorce decree.

She provides a timeline of her affair for your daughters. Doesn’t mean they ever have to read it.

Just an insurance against her trying to put the blame of the divorce on you.

Especially since you intend to pay the tuition anyway.

Sometimes Life Sucks. You just have to find a way through it and you’re doing a great job.

Peace to you

Difficulty regulating your emotions is completely normal at this stage. If you haven’t done so, please look up betrayal trauma. That is what you are going through. You are well on your way to survive this storm. One day at a time, JustCrushed.

Reference your work situation: I think it is great that you apologized and fine that you shared what you are going through. Leaders need to take accountability for mistakes, as you did. And sharing a bit of personal information helps people relate to you and may end up being a new source of support.

On the topic of your WW's motives, I think there are a lot of assumptions and even medical diagnoses being thrown about by people in this thread that go way further than the data support. Not sure if it matters since you are D but I am also not sure we need to throw her under the bus completely either. She earned D by her actions and that is enough. WW is a person too and one that appears to have remorse. No need to poison the ground any further, imo.

I am sorry @Trdd but I am not seeing remorse from WW. She is likely crying primarily for HERSELF at this point. She even had the nerve to for OP to be held legally liable for her daughters' tuition. We tell new posters all the time to not mistake remorse with regret, please don't mislead yourself!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:56 AM, Thursday, March 21st]

I agree that WW is still a human being but JC is doing an admirable job respecting her already. He needs to be looking out for himself at this point though, knowing what WW is capable of.