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I am extremely relieved that your WW owned up to everyone in her family what she had done, and that your MIL apologized to you. (I do have to ask, do you know for sure whether your WW's friends' husbands know what had happened? If what they had heard from their WWs (yes indeed, by enabling your WW's infidelity even if they did not have affairs of their own, they are wayward too) is that you had cheated, then for all we know, they may still be in the dark about the truth through no fault of their own--they still may not suspect what their WWs were up to.)

The daughters are 19, and I am afraid that immaturity such as not knowing how to apologize, is just par for the course at that age. They also have to have and process their own grief in seeing the family they knew suddenly fall apart like that. If you want to reach out to them again in the future at least you have an ally in your MIL.

Please be good to yourself, and this includes taking some time away from WW's family if you feel you need to. Going to the gym is great, but can you replace fast food with a meal-prep service? Eating well is extremely important especially now.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:47 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Glad the truth is starting to come out to the family... even though your WW was trickle truthing them to an extent. I'm wondering where your FIL has been during all of this... did you have a good relationship with him? Has he made contact with you? Wondering his thoughts on his daughter's actions...

How's it going living in an apartment? Sleeping ok or are the nights the worst when you have down time and no one is around?

Glad you're going to the gym, sorry to hear about the fast food-- try to eat clean if you can. You can't outrun your fork or over train your diet... You'll see your efforts in the gym quicker and better with a good diet. Do you like to cook, JustCrushed... can you cook? Not knowing the city you live in but is it big enough you may be able to sign up for some cooking classes... culinary schools, colleges and heck, even some grocery stores offer cooking classes at various levels of competency-- usually in the evenings... may be a way to develop a new hobby and get you out of the house at night and around people for some socialization. Just a thought...

FWIW you don't want your WW thinking you're becoming a recluse and moping alone around the apartment. Nothing gets under the skin of a wayward worse than the betrayed going out, having fun and appearing to move on in a healthy way. If she was the main (or only) cook in the home... when she finds out that you're learning to cook when she was the one who did the cooking for 14 years that will have an effect on her. Lot of women (sorry for the generalization here folks) believe the maxim.. "a way to a man's heart is through his stomach'...take that away and they're left with just sex which you've already denied your WW. Even if you can cook, maybe look into specialized cooking classes like French cuisine or something similar...that will really help when you start dating again and can invite a woman over to your place to show off what you've recently learned. If not cooking, look into something similar like a wine/beer/bourbon tasting class.. develop new hobbies and get out of the bachelor apartment in the evenings. I know you golf (which I also love) but hitting buckets at the range at night is somewhat isolating. Any other hobbies that you're interested in-- martial arts, photography, cycling, running, woodworking... the list is endless.. get out, find a class and do something that is enjoyable to you.

Keep staying strong, JustCrushed.

Perhaps a similar high road approach might be called for with the twins.

I'm not sure I follow. I think it is incumbent on them to come hat in hand, with a sense of contrition and humility, recognizing that their jump to conclusions and interfering actions led to pain in others. Action have consequences and consequences are the most effective teacher.

Rant to folow:

And at 19, they are fully adults, at least in my neck of the world. I have trained young people in the military, and we get less only when we expect less. I wish people would stop apologizing for them. In 1940, 18 year olds were flying bombers across the Atlantic dismantling an empire, now they are incapable of filling out a job application...

Just Crushed. You have been treated poorly, and the girls need to own that. Fully.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 9:39 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Yeah at 19 years old they should know enough to hear things for themselves before jumping to conclusions. I think you should expect a real apology before just jumping right back to how things were before with them. Otherwise you’ll just be doing the same shit that caused them to become spoiled and entitled.

JC,
I am so, so, so, relieved for you. I agree that it's going to take time to heal the wounds, but at least the truth is out there. FYI, I would never fully trust the in-laws. Blood is always thicker than water. Humans are programmed that way. I wouldn't take it personally, and I wouldn't even blame your in-laws. But eventually they are going to pick their daughter over you.

I think we should collectively stop telling BS's to take the high road. The truth is important. Strategic messaging is important. Often the first story that gets told becomes the truth, whether or not it is. We might as well let the truth be the truth.

Also, nature abhors a vacuum. In the absence of an explanation, all sorts of things get imagined and thus manifested as real. Coincidentally, this is why we demand absolute full disclosure. The unknown is often more damaging that the truth.

If JC had gotten out in front with the messaging, his daughters would not have jumped to conclusions and he could have avoided a lot of unnecessary pain.

It had seemed to me that your WW had shown remorse from DD and this shows it to be true. As far as people jumping to assumptions. It's how many people are; unfortunate but true. Look how many people here assumed your WW was sabotaging you. There are several well known BH here who had their daughters assume they were having the A instead of their wife. It happens, it's probably a bit of a stereotype. They should be reaching out to you to see how you are but they may not realize you had tried to call them when they had you blocked.

Can you try to engage in some activities you enjoy instead of just work?

[This message edited by Trdd at 9:50 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Let the twins know that you are there if they need to talk. Leave that door open. Once you have your emotions in check, play the long game..

God bless

[This message edited by paboy at 10:03 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Agree with JSG and OhItsYou. I’d give the twins at least a month to see if they are willing to make the first move. Give them a chance to do the right thing.

They are WW's family, you should keep that in mind

Staying in a relationship with them will force you to follow WW's relationships.

WW will continue on its way very soon. This will harm your development.

You should listen to your lawyer on financial matters, and you should not take responsibility for anything unnecessary.

You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and the past, keep moving forward

You should live your best life

As I wrote in the past, you are old enough to have your own family, do not think that everything is over,

(If you are unsure, have your detective follow ww for a few days, this will prove that she is continuing the relationship.)

Justsomeguy,

I'm not sure I follow. I think it is incumbent on them to come hat in hand, with a sense of contrition and humility, recognizing that their jump to conclusions and interfering actions led to pain in others. Action have consequences and consequences are the most effective teacher.

I'm a firm believer in the adage "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." In this case with the twins, it's stupidity combined with naiveté and immaturity. It's quite possible that like their grandparents, the twins might soon realize their folly. All I'm suggesting to JC is to let them come to him with contrition and if they do apologize, accept it graciously. Nothing more.

I'm not buying it. There is an old saying on these boards JC; believe nothing out of the cheaters mouth and half of what you see.

JMO, the call from your MIL has nothing to do with her treating you incorrectly and everything to do with you paying for the step daughters' college. Just remember, she just threatened to call to police on you if you didn't get off her property, that's not a misunderstanding. And I doubt it's a misunderstanding that you were blocked by the daughters.

My Mil kept saying how sorry she was and wanted me to come over for dinner. I thanked her for calling and said I knew how difficult that was for her to do. I also told her that I would take a rain check on dinner – it was just something I couldn’t do right now. I’m not sure what happened, but a switch just flipped for me. It feels like I could never trust my in-laws again.

I’ve also thought a lot about the girls. I think that trying to give them everything that I didn’t have, I (WW too) ended up doing them a huge disservice. If I look at them objectively, they’re spoiled and entitled. I think it may be a long time before I hear from them. I don’t think they even know how to apologize.

All I thought upon reading this was how little it took for them to excommunicate you from their family. I completely agree with your feelings the in-laws could never be trusted again, seriously "get off my lawn or I'll call the police". I cannot even wrap my head around that one, unless there is a lot more about them that may be obscured.

You've mentioned so many things that caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand. I ask you, what makes you think you really know who these people are? how her first marriage really ended? All because her EX may not be a great guy does not make her a good person.

You have so much to look forward to in your life, don't let the albatross of questionable people weigh you down. Look at the them objectively, just like you are now looking at her daughters....look at it all.

Good luck sir..

Edited to add.

There is just something that seems so contrived about this call from your MIL. If this had just occurred due to her "breaking down" on the phone with the MIL, then why did the 2 friends cut you off as well? Did she "break down" with the friends as well, were they all on the same call or were there 3 separate calls where she "broke down"?

I find this "interesting" and not in a good way. Your WW knows your need for love and family and the absence of it in your life, this seems almost as if it was planned to isolate you from everyone.

I'm not prone to overreactions but there are some very large RED FLAGS, and it seems almost as if she is taking pieces off a chess board to isolate and control.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 5:08 AM, Tuesday, April 2nd]

Wait and watch should be your approach. I find it interesting that your in laws and the daughters had such extreme reactions. No getting your side of the story, just shunning you out from their lives. They would not extend the same courtesy to their cheating daughter, they would be disappointed, angry, talk it out like adults.
Don’t try to reach out to anyone at this point. Don’t let anyone treat you shabbily .

JC, I am so relieved that you have some insight into your WW’s family reaction, and can at least know that some of the truth has come to light. It is probably good for you that the switch flipped - they hurt you immeasurable and unfairly and showed you that you are expendable in their family. You are smart to protect yourself, and I imagine it may be muscle memory for you given your past. Trust the self preservation, even if it means insane work hours and fast food. For now. Until you find your footing. But please, don’t let the trauma keep you from caring for yourself, in all the ways that matter. It is the hardest fog to come out of in the early stages of shock.

Seriously, continue to love yourself and remind yourself what a good person and role model you are and continue to be. Once you have some bandwidth available, find ways to love your life. Be sure to get outside at least once a day, just to get some fresh air and to breathe. In the first few months I could not eat without gagging or choking down food and cared nothing for what I ate. I lived on cereal and toast and didn’t do myself any favors with my trauma diet. I hope you find some time to either cook for yourself or find a healthy take out source so you give your body the resources it will need for this long journey.

Can you try to distract yourself with some online recipe apps? Or would you be willing to try a food prep delivery service? I found that downstream in my recovery journey that chopping vegetables and making soup was a healing process. I have become addicted to Wonton soup, using frozen wontons and whatever veggies I have on hand. I make it spicy hot and love how easy it is to make and how good I feel about eating it. Find a few things you enjoy making and eating and build on that, because meal planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning up can be such a grounding and nurturing experience. Coming home to an apartment that smells delicious because you threw some things in the crockpot before work can change the mood when you walk in the door. Let feeding yourself be your path. I told myself over and over that the path to enlightenment was to chop wood and haul water, or in modern life to chop vegetables and cook soup.

If I had to pick one good thing that has come from my life imploding, it is that I live and work and eat more mindfully than ever before. I am gardening now and I have shifted from a terrible, ultra processed diet to a healthy, varied diet that trickled down into so many areas of our lives. We started to seek out healthy food sources beyond the grocery store and have added so many wonderful cuisines to our lives. It was a gift I did not see coming, and I only threw myself into it for the distraction, but it has become so much more than I could have guessed. You have worked so hard to make a stable family the foundation of your life, but they have proven unworthy of you. So please, make yourself and your wellness a foundation you can count on as you repair and rebuild your life.

This may sound silly, but I recommend you buy yourself a plant to take care of, something easy but nice to look at that gives your new home some new life. I had a big silly dog to help me through, but my plant babies were there for me too. I also did huge impossible puzzles in my spare time, so my brain couldn’t stim on all the awful swirling around in there. Whatever it is that you can distract yourself with - cooking, fitness, games - find it and allow yourself to do things you never had time to do before, or forgot you loved in the first place. Music was also a huge help to me, and I built a playlist that had only the good stuff that made me feel alive and grateful and I still listen to it when I need it.

The lovely people here will help you with support and suggestions to get through all that you are facing with this new book of your life. Take care of you, and someday downstream you will thank yourself for that love. It has taken me a lifetime to realize that filling the void of what I missed in my childhood was never to be found in another person or relationship, but was hiding inside me all along. I love me unconditionally now, and I hope you can say that for yourself sooner than I was able. We are all pulling for you and wishing you peace.

When I had my D-Day in 2022, it happened right at the beginning of May, so it felt like I was coming out of an awful winter into what should have been a renewing spring that wasn't going to materialize after all. Instead of renewal, there was devastation.

I know what you're likely going to feel for the foreseeable future, and you're going to have to force yourself (against your own instincts) to get out into the world, feel the sunshine, and let biology do its work.

This will pass, I promise. It'll probably always hurt, but over time it will just feel further away. You will make new memories and have happy experiences again. They'll be different. Your life just closed the last chapter and you have to start a new book. It's scary, but it can surprise you as well.

JC, I’m going to ask you a question that will be very unpopular here. Are you absolutely sure you cannot R with your wife? The reason I ask is that now after your last post I believe she may be R material. Emphasis on may be. I don’t know what it is about your posts that make me think you may be waffling more than your posts would seem to indicate but I believe you are. Your wife’s affair was truly horrible but I’ve seen worse and some of them are still happily married. If I’ve read you wrong just ignore me and keep going down the road you’re on. If you are not so sure then it would not hurt to have some discussions with her. Divorce doesn’t necessarily mean the end. You can maintain any sort of relationship afterwards that you want. I don’t know the pain you’re feeling in your chest. I don’t know if you can live with yourself if you maintained a relationship of any sort with her. I’m just saying be sure. I would not be saying any of this if your wife had not have confessed her affair to all involved.
Here’s an idea, give your wife a difficult requirement like giving up her girlfriends to have a better opportunity with you. My guess is she will do it. Anyway just food for thought.

I agree with Dennylast. I don't think this is unable to be repaired unless you decide it is, JC. Just follow your own instincts, whether they lead you back to her or out the door. The only wrong choices are the ones that hurt you in the end.

It is a really big shit sandwich to swallow, and I can't judge anyone for the road they take. I always thought being cheated on would be a line in the sand, but once I was standing at that line, I wasn't so sure anymore. But then again I had been somewhat responsible for pushing her away for so long, so when it happened, it was shock but also a desire to truly understand how we had gotten here. It took a lot of therapy and introspective, but in the end I'm happy I didn't leave.

But then again all mine did was drunkenly make out with a hockey player in public view and was dangerously walking the line of an emotional affair with another. Had she fucked someone, I might have made the same choice as you. I guess I wouldn't know unless I had been there. Any future crosses, regardless of how I understand things better now, would be an automatic termination. But if it had been her first offense? I truly don't know.

You do what you have to do in order to be able to look at yourself in the mirror when you wake up each day. Nobody here will judge you for what you choose.

Why the hell would we even bring up the possibility of R at this point. JC just got hit by a bomb and his WW doesn't even know why the hell she did what she did in cheating on JC (which still makes her extremely unsafe). JC not only needs to process his WW's affair, but also given the events of the past week, how quickly her family could turn on him.

It is right and good that WW told her family the truth of the affair. But not doing that would have been wrong on her part. It sure as hell does not negate the trauma that JC has gone through.

Right now JC has to think of what HE wants and this includes rethinking his relationships w WW's mom and daughters.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:33 PM, Tuesday, April 2nd]

JC’s wife R material = Telling everyone what she did truthfully, which meant the parents, daughters and friends would have rallied behind him for support . Not shunned him.
R material also means Not asking to lockdown JC’s financial support for daughters in the divorce agreement.
None of the above indicate real shame and remorse.
His wife yanked out the rug from under him, he needs to find his footing first before he even thinks about playing house with her.