SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did he mess himself when you choked him out? Fun car ride for somebody if he did.

You aren't epic, you're badass.

I loved reading this OP. You have handled this incredibly well. Yes they were planning to absolutely destroy you and you foiled their evil plans.

I must admit I’m looking forward to hearing about the consequences for your WW and AP. My heart goes out to you and the other BS. I hope you both move on and come out on top.

Great job so far Epicryan. I know it's a tough situation but you've handled it beautifully.

I brought my attorney up-to-date, that night and filed a restraining order against the AP. At my attorneys advice I filed a request for a temporary order for her to vacate due to the "unpredictable nature and violence brought against me". It was going to be a long shot but it is worth a try.

While you're at it, discuss with your attorney asking for a restraining order against your wife. I hope you've downloaded the video of the confrontation to a secure, offsite location (your attorney have a copy of it?) and that the cops didn't take it for evidence. Showing a judge that your WW brings her violent AP to your house to confront you, may be enough for a judge to order your wife to stay away from you for a period of time. Another long shot but it brings you more leverage in the divorce.

This is now, what? Twice that you've bloodied the other man? Both times in front of your WW? LOL...I would have a hard time not rubbing my WW's nose in the fact that she's fallen for such a wuss. You need to ask your WW if the OM is also a submissive in the bedroom and was she turned on watching you dominate and beat his ass.

Any idea who bonded out the OM? Was it the OBS or your WW?

A copy of that video may, at a future time, need to be released to their workplace,

One silver lining in all of this is that you're getting to live out the fantasy of other BHs (and perhaps more than a few BWs) in getting to kick the shit out of her AP...twice...and legally. And you have evidence of his dumbassery. In the long run, this may actually go pretty far in reducing the POSOM in the eyes of not only your STBXW but his BW. He gets to look at his crooked nose in every mirror and remind himself just what a pathetic little wimp he really is. Well done.

Do you happen to know whether there was video coverage of you beating him down the first time?

BTW, your STBXW is excruciatingly stupid. Just sayin'

[This message edited by 1994 at 5:20 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

It's a shame that you have to deal with this, Epic. Losing your marriage is bad enough, but having to deal with the drama is a whole other ordeal.

It's *funny* how this relationship was just sex with no emotions, yet here she is bringing this guy right to your doorstep. It's ridiculous how predictable some behaviors can be.

You've handled things very well so far. The only advice I would give you is the keep on doing what you're doing. Best of luck moving forward.

Hate you are going thru all this but what would I give to punch the ww’s ap not once but twice AND get his ass arrested!!!!

Keep your head on a swivel and a VAR in your pocket in dealing with those 2. Stay strong

Consult with your attorney about the spy-cameras.
Your profile states you are in California. It’s a very serious offense to record your spouse without their consent/knowledge. Double so if you have filed.
If the arrest of OM was based on your recording, there is now an official incident report that can be used to confirm the camera’s existence. It probably won’t change that the OM can be charged, but if the cops were doing their work properly, they would have realized immediately that this was a domestic dispute incident, with a woman that has the same legal address as you and calls one man her husband and another her boyfriend... They should have asked for an explanation of the situation, who each and everyone was, and when shown the footage where the camera was located. A hidden lens poking from behind some flowerpots on the bookshelf should have raised questions...

Frankly – with two incidents of breaking the OM nose and now the documented instance of a recording... If your soon-to-be-ex hires a semi-competent attorney... I would be a bit worried. Not so worried about criminal charges (very high level of proof needed), but more that this will impact any judges stance towards you.
But then – no kids... this should be a relatively cut-and-clean divorce.

At ALL TIMES have a means to record conversations with the wife. You can probably simply use your phone. Only remember a key statement: When taking out your phone and once you start recording say in a loud and clear way so there is no possibility of her not hearing: I am recording this conversation for my safety". It’s not consent per se, but if she doesn’t consent she can remove herself from the situation.

@bigger;

All good points. I did have an immense sense of dread after hitting him again and immediately call my attorney. It was his physical aggression that may have saved me.

The series of events was, I confronted his with the both timelines, his wife confronted the AP and he confronted my stbxw. I'm guessing they worked each other into a tizzy over my betrayal...lol

I video clearly shows him aggressively confronting me, me backing up, until he grabs me.

As for the legalities, I'll cross that bridge later if necessary. This is a couple weeks behind and he seems to be more interested in damage control with his wife (to the point t of cutting my wife off completely).

@leafields; no he didn't. He did try and tap out but he mistook a street fight for a dojo. There's no tapping out in a street fight.

@jb3199; exactly. Them showing up together just confirmed to me that they were still a "couple" and most likely still engaged in the affair.

I felt a pang of jealousy? maybe that I wished my stbxw fought this hard for me, just once.

He hasn't talked to her since and she is mourning the loss of him more than the loss of her marriage.

She's been seeking comfort from me as if I should be the one to help her through her break-up. Kind of hilarious and dreadfully inappropriate at the same time.

I wouldn’t worry too much. Catching a charge that would normally be a slap on the wrist sometimes is just worth the satisfaction.

Can she prove she didn't know about the security cameras? I mean..maybe she knew..

Are you still living together? Trying In-Home Separation? That is going to be tough and these situations could continue to occur with the chance at escalation... next time the AP could be armed since he's gotten his ass handed to him previously. Do you have a firearm at home? Protect yourself, even if you get a protective order/restraining order all that Order is, is words on a paper there is nothing magical about it; people violate orders all the time.

So please protect yourself EpicRyan.

Have been sitting on this comment but feel a strong need to share.
This site is often a reference point for newly betrayed people, and they might read what sounds like sensible and determined action and think that they too could do that. I think we have an obligation to warn against what could be serious pitfalls.

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We often suggest using some form of eavesdropping (VAR, spycams, spouse’s social media, email etc) to find out what’s happening. However, we should follow that advice up with a warning about how you USE that info. Most states/countries have laws about expected privacy, and laws that prevent wiretapping. I don’t know of a single place where you could use a recording that breaks those laws to your advantage in court. In fact – it would have the opposite effect.

If you record your spouse, it’s only to discover what’s happening. Are they cheating? You use that info for yourself to confirm or refute that suspicion. You don’t share that recording with anyone – least of all the spouse. If the discovery leads to legal action such as divorce you immediately STOP ALL recording or wiretapping. If your spouse’s attorney can show that you are possibly listening in on their calls or communications, you can be in a serious legal situation or have a very compromised position to negotiate from, and any data gained from such methods has no real value for the divorce anyway.
If there is some info that could have legal implications – get a PI. Could even feed him with what you know and have, and they can then use that to get a legal source for the information.

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This instance is in California. A state where there is an expectation of privacy and strict wiretapping laws.
The recording might have saved the OP from a possible assault charge, but by sharing it with the police there is now an official document confirming that there is a recording.

I’m a bit perplexed about the LEO’s response. They will know responding to the call that this is a domestic disturbance. One of the first actions will be to identify all parties and their roles. Since WW called OM her boyfriend, they know this is a possible divorce/separation situation and since OP has filed would have gotten that confirmed. They should have learned that OM was there by WW invitation (ie not a home-invasion or trespassing). This info is not enough for them to determine whom to arrest. Even if OM is there "legally" the onus is on him to prove he did not cause the altercation. Shelter of home tends to top all.

The desired resolution for the officers is that residents remain, and third parties are removed from the scene. That changes the moment they suspect domestic abuse...

When OP shared the recording to prevent his arrest, I am surprised that the officers didn’t ask about the placement of the camera (to get the angle), as well as that the WW wasn’t surprised to learn of the camera(s). Had the officers done that – had they realized it was a hidden camera without the WW consent – add to that the OP has shown a capability to apply violence (albeit possibly justified) this becomes likely domestic abuse.

Bluntly: If I had been the responding officer, I would have the OM removed as the instigator of the physical altercation. But I would have taken WW aside and questioned her on the cameras, OP temper, the violence, and the divorce. Chances are I would have removed the OP from the home. If the WW had told me she felt safe, I would make a note of all this in my report. After all – a significant part of homicide and assault are due to domestic confrontations, and Law Enforcement is under constant criticism and scrutiny for not ensuring the safety of potential victims.
Bluntly: The WW has a very strong case to have the OP removed from the home, a restraining order, and due to how judges frown on illegal wiretapping, a very strong case for prime residency while the divorce goes through.

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Epciryan – I hope you get away with this. I hope your wife doesn’t mention this to her attorney because he would be a fool not to use this at least as leverage. I’m not posting this to hit out too hard at you, but some of the responses might be seen as encouraging this sort of action and making little of the possible consequences. If this is used against you and if charges are pressed you could be facing a criminal record.
For a newly betrayed husband reeling from his fresh pain, your story might sound like something he wished he could do, something to replicate. He might not also be so lucky to have a WW that seems totally unaware of her rights, isn’t surprised to discover she’s been secretly recorded, semi-competent cops that respond and an OM that can’t throw a punch while protecting his nose.

Bigger thank you for that post. I too was a bit confused and concerned about the LEO response.

Know the rules and laws on one party consent if you choose to record.

Bigger's warning is certainly noteworthy. These are the states that require two party consent to audio recording:

California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington.

Other states are one party consent, and you, yourself can be that one party. So you can record your own conversations in the one party states. But there are nuances in the laws, so you should consult the law of your state before doing any recording.

I can't imagine any situation in which you have security cameras in your OWN home where that would be illegal. If the cameras record audio, it might be a problem, but just video, probably not. Unless maybe you're video recording visitors in the bathroom, or something similar.

It might be your word against WW's as to whether she knew about the cameras.

Having said all that, I understand Bigger is former law enforcement, so he has seen these situations up close..

[This message edited by Adolfo at 9:38 PM, Wednesday, April 17th]

Wow, I had just assumed that the confrontation had taken place in front of your house and was captured by your ring camera. I definitely can see the need for filing TRO and order for her to vacate if she had actually invited AP into your home and he then attacked you. Has she said anything to you about the interior cameras?

Glad you're getting rid of that (rhymes with rich). Enjoy your post affair life :)

[This message edited by Clint at 12:39 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

How are you holding up, OP?

I can't imagine any situation in which you have security cameras in your OWN home where that would be illegal.

They are legal if situated in "normal" areas and AT LEAST residents are aware of them. Like... a camera facing the front-door is legal if there is an expectation that both residents are aware of it, but a camera in the bathroom or overlooking the marital bed – especially a hidden one – would not be considered acceptable (or at the very least require explicit unequivocal proof that all parties are aware of them). If not you could be breaching Expectation of Privacy laws and/or Peeping Tom laws.

The OP said in an earlier post:
I set up some "spy cameras" around the house as protection. The benefit of the cameras was that it gave me their "game plan"

Implying she wasn’t aware of them – further emphasized by her carelessness in thinking it safe to openly talk on the phone about the "game plan" imply he’s breaching the Wiretap laws...

All-in-all not a good idea.