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Newest Member: Paltheon232

Just Found Out :
Caught my spouse of 27 years possibly setting up a meeting/romance with another man online. Help!

Topic is Sleeping.
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:27 PM on Sunday, March 10th, 2024

She needs a job. I understand not wanting her to work at a job where she is gone overnight, but she needs another job.


You've said she spent her money. Even if you don't mix finances, surely the money she spent would have benefited your life..your home, your standard of living,etc.

Also,doesn't she owe money to people she borrowed from,to send money to him? She has to pay that back. Not you.

She should pay back every cent she sent to that man. After everyone else is paid, she needs to put the money she spent on him,in a marital fund.

Also..she needs to have zero credit cards in her name. Any bills she racks up,will fall on you,and will affect your credit.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8828216
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:33 PM on Monday, March 11th, 2024

I doubt any reader sees you as a demanding a-hole. What I see is a typical husband whose whole world has been rocked, and who is in fight or flight mode.

You have your story right now on two threads, and getting IMHO advice that is going in two different paths on these threads. I’m going to focus on this one, because IMHO it has all you need. This is also the first one where we called this out as a catfishing affair – based solely on what you shared – and I encourage you to reread what I said about that type of affair.
The "let’s meet up" is usually followed with some versions of "can you pay the deposit for my flight/hotel/rental" or "Corrupt officials in my country want money for a passport" or whatever, followed by an excuse after excuse after excuse.
The last communications ended with the flight breaking down… an excuse…

Is it clear why she was sending him money? Like… did he ask for it in his posts, or did he describe events that (if true) would lead to a need for money? Events like "the plane broke down, and I am going to sleep on a bench because all my money is going to paying for mom’s cancer treatment" sort of excuses?

Be clear on one thing: This is infidelity. At some time – about three years ago – she KNEW she was crossing a line. That is totally clear. This is at the very least an emotional affair and financial infidelity. Both extremely serious, and both things that should make you reconsider whatever basis you thought your marriage was on.

Was it sexual or was it headed to a sexual affair?
Rather than speculate, then look at what you have: Does the content of the material support SEXUAL – as in racy photo’s, was there direct sexual content, sexting. Like… if your wife and OM mutually masturbated while sexting… is that still an emotional affair or has it gone to sex? IMHO the goal – the purpose – of sexually stimulating someone or expecting sexual stimulation is enough to cross the EA/PA line. Was the content geared at that? Or was it more romantic than sexual? More wishful and high brow rather than direct sexually implied?

What I do know about catfishing is that this takes on many forms that all share in common a feeding on some need. There are catfishing schemes based on animal-shelters, orphanages, teenagers forced to support their younger siblings, war-refugees… and… get-rich-schemes, young moms in abusive relationships and of course what your wife allowed herself into. As you can imagine, not all of these listed require a sexual connection.

Friend – It’s still early days… To me you don’t need to decide much or anything final right now. I think you are still in the discovery phase, and the sensible thing might be to get that phase over with or as well along as you can before settling in for any long-term resolution.
Issues I suggest you deal with:
- A complete timeline, including how she met him.
- All communications – copies of all mail, texts, photos…
- An accounting of all monies sent – you want a reason, who initiated and so on.
- An acceptable way she can be accountable to NC with this man, and any media she used to contact this man.
- She initiates and seeks IC. I would strongly encourage you to seek help too – this is a major trauma.
- Maybe after 2-3 months – if you are convinced shes respected NC – you two seek marital guidance. Before you do that though, make certain you want this marriage.

Regarding MC – I have been with my wife for a few years longer than you. We have been seeking counseling for the last half year or so – not because of infidelity but definitely triggered by a family trauma. But rather because we realize that after this long a time we fall into patterns, and those patterns aren’t necessarily good for our marriage. Like I can imagine your pattern of sleeping in separate beds, working conflicting hours and a total division in financial goals and management.

Finally: I seriously doubt your security and validity in your statements about how "safe" your house and finances are if this leads to divorce. I encourage you to consult an attorney and be 100% clear. Basically – to my understanding - this home needs to have been purchased and fully paid by you, pre-marriage and no major refurbishment or maintenance done for 27 years to be this clear-cut. I have a hard time seeing a judge fall so heavy handed on a wife of nearly thirty years if her competent attorney were to combat you on this.
You don’t have to respond or argue with me about this issue and I won’t address it again – it’s totally your call what risk YOU take. But I encourage you to consult with an attorney and be as clear as possible on the reality of your situation. If it’s not as clear as you think, consider this opportunity to get a post-nup (done by an attorney).
If you are correct… then IF you decide to remain married, I encourage you to look into how you can safeguard your wife if you were to pass away or be somehow uncapable of managing your assets, so that she’s not left on the street. Of course, if you chose to divorce this is less of an issue IMHO.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12689   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8828323
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 NiceGuysFinishLast (original poster new member #84558) posted at 4:38 AM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024

You guys are just awesome!

Thank you so much for your help. This goes to each and every one of you.

I am still going through my ups and downs. My spouse got a new phone,and number, and scheduled a session with a therapist. I am not getting any empathy though, and it is bothering the hell out of me. I am sitting across the room, she can only tell I am stressed the hell out, and she sits there in silence doing her thing, crochet+ TV.

I feel really tense. My Bp is probably high. I have the butterfly thing going in the stomach. Even though she leaves her new phone one the table at bedtime now, I am starting to not give a damn. I should not have to stress over her every move. I should not have to live like this. I have a half a notion of pulling back a bit and letting it go where it goes. I am emotionally drained at times, and ready for wherever it goes now. I am prepared to move on. It`s her choice. BTW, this property is 100% mine. It was mine before we met.

Heart Broken/ Confused Caught her possibly setting up a meeting with another man online.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2024   ·   location: Oregon
id 8828459
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 1:30 PM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024

You're right. You don't have to live like that and if she can't muster up any (Let alone the amount she would need to comfort you over these years.) empathy, then you really have nothing to work with.

I recommend doing a hard 180 with the idea of moving on from this situation if she can't pull her head out of her nether regions. I am so sorry, but if she isn't giving you the bare minimum of what you need (Which is sympathy and support at the very least.) then you really don't have a chance at reconciliation.

posts: 250   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8828482
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 NiceGuysFinishLast (original poster new member #84558) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024

"You're right. You don't have to live like that and if she can't muster up any (Let alone the amount she would need to comfort you over these years.) empathy, then you really have nothing to work with.

I recommend doing a hard 180 with the idea of moving on from this situation if she can't pull her head out of her nether regions. I am so sorry, but if she isn't giving you the bare minimum of what you need (Which is sympathy and support at the very least.) then you really don't have a chance at reconciliation."

Exactly.

I am now to a point where she can leave. I don`t need to be around a cold-hearted lizard. I deserve better.

It gets worse too. After digging around on her new phone, I went to her chrome history. What did I see?

Usernames and passwords to 3 different hookup sites. I could only log into one of them. There was no profile created yet. Just a username.

I am devastated, but ready to move on. I now feel like a cold-hearted lizard. It is weird. I feel like telling her to cancel her therapy. It seems too late.

Heart Broken/ Confused Caught her possibly setting up a meeting with another man online.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2024   ·   location: Oregon
id 8828513
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Icedover84 ( member #82901) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

I'm so sorry it turned out like this. Even after you threw her a life raft, she decided to use it to float back into dangerous waters.

That's absolutely outstanding how bold she was going to hookup sites literally in the middle of this marital crisis.

posts: 97   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8828652
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:24 PM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

Chrome – in connection with a google account – has the memory of an elephant.
That’s why I asked you if you had confronted her about what you found.
To me a key issue would be if those registrations or attempts to log in were done before or after d-day and the new phone. Like… If I were to log in on my google-account on a new phone my past history would follow me.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12689   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8828656
Topic is Sleeping.
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