SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:32 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Asking him to quit a job,in which he used to cheat,is perfectly reasonable.

The chances that this was his first affair are slim.

Get tested for stds.

You only gave him two requirements, and he refused each one.

If he wanted to attempt reconciliation, he would make you a priority..THE priority.

Have you done any investigation? Check the phone bill. Check his phone. Find out how deep this goes. You deserve the truth.

Please don't make the mistake so many new bs make..don't try to twist yourself into circles, trying to make it work with someone who isn't doing the work to become a safe partner.

Cancel the therapy. Most mc will encourage you to sweep it under the rug, don't talk about it, and say transparency is not necessary.

He needs therapy to figure out why he cheated.

A bad mc, with a freshly caught cheater, will do far more harm than good.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

We typically advise that you hold off on mc,until he has done IC.

True remorse takes time. He feels regret. How do you know the difference? True remorse is about you,and what actions he takes to help you heal from the damage he's caused. The very fact that he refuses to quit the band indicates he isn't remorseful.

Some have had success with immediate mc. But most here will tell you not to do it yet.

A remorseful ws will move mountains to heal the damage they've caused.

It takes years to heal from infidelity. He has a lot of work to do, to become a safe partner.

Your minimum requirements should include..

Std test.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts, including the phone. Passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness, and zero blame.

Complete NC.

If he cheated on the job, he finds a new job.

He becomes proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

He is accountable for his time away from you .

He removes as many triggers as possible.

If his friends knew, he goes NC with them.

He understands this takes years to heal from.

He goes to therapy to figure out what in him allowed him to cheat.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your job right now is to take care of yourself, and the kids. Watch his actions. Forget his words. What work is he doing on himself? That will tell you if reconciliation is possible. Get tested for stds. If there is an obs, tell them. They deserve to know.

Where have you been reading?

My personal experience is that I’m on my fourth MC, he seems pretty good. But the first three were all disasters. They can’t seem to help themselves in wanting to spread the blame around.

There is no relationship work that will help in any way your husband figure out why he defiled himself for a few minutes of pleasure, nor will it help you heal from the hole in your soul from your husbands intimate betrayal. Both of those need tending to, probably for months, before even considering trying to fix the relationship. I know that is hard to hear, but it’s a hard truth you will hear here from people who have walked it.

Specifically as it relates to MC immediately after infidelity，the blame shifting is a big thing to look out for. Not only that, there is just a general desire for the MC to get a couple to compromise. This is great for problems that aren't infidelity. You can compromise on chores. You can compromise on financial goals. You can compromise on a lot of pretty important things. You cannot compromise on fidelity.

Here is a previous post I made about therapists that are more generally acquainted with issues like leaving socks all over the house. They treat every problem like there is a possible compromise.

SOCKS VERSION:

MC: "How does it feel when you see your partners socks lying around the house?"

Clean Spouse: "I feel like they don't respect the effort it takes to keep the house clean."

MC: "Dirty spouse, see how that makes CS feel?"

DS: "Well it's just a pair of socks, I'm so tired at the end of the day. To me it's not a big deal. I'm just trying to relax in my own home and I get a huge sense of relief to just take my shoes and socks off when I get home and plop down. I mean to pick them up but I forget sometimes is all."

MC: "CS, see, DS doesn't see this action as disrespectful, they are just trying to relax, do you think you could just pick up the socks and give a friendly reminder when you do instead of letting this get you really mad?"

AFFAIR VERSION:

MC: "How does the affair make you feel?"

BS: "Unsafe, hurt, and betrayed. Like my whole life has been taken away from me."

MC: "See WS, BS is hurt, doesn't that make you want to stop the affair?"

WS: "I think that love is complicated and you can love multiple people. I don't see why my love for someone else hurts BS."

MC: "BS, see, they don't mean to hurt you. That relationship is important to WS. Can you see past your insecurity to let WS continue a relationship with AP, and just remind them that you make them the most important part of your relationship when they step out on you?"

Don't be surprised if some bullshit very close to this happens.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:25 AM, Friday, March 8th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have some good information, as well as some marked with bullsyes. The Healing Library has a lot of great info, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) should pick up a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It has a nice blueprint to help him know. Make sure to get the Linda MacDonald version. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is a much longer book. I really like the chapter on Windows and Walls because it provides a good example of establishing transparency between you two (windows), and setting boundaries (walls) between those outside your M (marriage).

Please know that this isn't about something you did/didn't do, said/didn't say (fill in the blank). The decision to cheat was 100% his choice. Not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An A (affair) is lots and lots of conscious decisions to betray.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs, and he does too. He needs to show you his test results. He probably didn't use protection, and there's all kinds of nasty things going around that can put your health at risk. If you have trouble sleeping or with anxiety/depression, ask for some meds. You may not need to be on them forever, but they can help you get through this phase. Also, we talk about the emotional roller coaster, so a lot of what you're feeling and going to feel is normal. Well, as normal as can be in this abnormal situation.

When you think about the kids, remember that the relationship you have is their role model. My kids were adults when I D, and 2 out of 3 said I should have done it long before. They know when things aren't right. It's tough either way.

I understand his job is important, but I can't imagine choosing anything over our family

Yeah, I don't understand it, either. But the thought processes of a WS (wayward spouse) can be disordered, meaning they don't think the way a normal, moral person would. But I should be careful: with the amount of infidelity in the world, maybe it's my thought process that's disordered in thinking that when you exchange marriage vows to forsake all others, you're making a vow that you plan to keep.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Generally we say IC for each. You to heal from the trauma, the WS to find their whys and work to be a safe partner. Then, MC to work on the relationship. I'll add my two cents. I'd done IC and XWH did IC (I think. Cheaters lie a lot.) We did some MC and one of the first things out of the MC's mouth was, "We'll look at why Mr. Fields decided to go outside of the M to get his needs met." I told the MC that I respectfully disagreed. If we were going to look at the unmet needs fallacy, then I should have been the one who cheated. (You can click on my person icon to read my story.)

Take time to recover. Take the time to take care of yourself, and to be there for your children. R (reconciliation) is a lot of hard work and many WS don't have the fortitude to do the work. Some people stay together just for the children, for their lifestyle, and many other reasons. The decision to R or D is up to you, and we'll collectively help you with advice. Our goal is to help you get out of infidelity.

Please keep posting. Keep the same thread if you can, as that helps us catch up on your story. Another saying we have is to take what you need and leave the rest.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

What you're feeling is normal. It's your brain on trauma and it's trying to assess the danger you're in - and your brain doesn't necessarily distinguish you being chased down by a cheetah versus dealing with a cheater. Your emotions will be all over the place. One minute you may be fine, and the next in a crying puddle curled up on your couch.

The ol' self-esteem takes a hit after an A. It's something that you'll work through. The A was because your WH wanted to sleep with somebody and AP (affair partner) was available. One thing that helped me is an example of dissociation. I pretended that I had a bag of popcorn, and I mentally went through the interactions involved with my XWH (wayward ex-husband) and AP. It helped me to realize that I wasn't important enough to my XWH and AP to even be a consideration of what they were doing. My XWH has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), so he's got other issues.

The A is about motive and opportunity, plus a big sprinkling of selfishness. The AP could have been anybody. Your WH should have boundaries to keep the M safe, but he doesn't.

He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short and only about 125 pages. You can read it too, but he needs to DO IT. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a great resource but is a longer read. One of the chapters that I really like is about windows and walls. There should be windows (transparency) between the two of you, and walls (boundaries) between you two and anybody not in your M.

There are some really good MCs and some really bad MCs. We warn against MC in the beginning because your M didn't cheat, your WH did. The MC is there to treat the M and can fall into the "unmet needs" fallacy, which can partially blame you for the A. Spoiler alert: it wasn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc. While the responsibility for the M may be 50/50, the cheating was 100% him. So, that makes the issues 75/25. It's ok to disagree with your MC. Your WH looses some of his rights until he can prove himself trustworthy.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Sorry user. It's heartbreaking, and it's tough when you know they won't stop. R is hard, even in the best of circumstances.

Please focus on you and your family, and take good care of you. Expect that you will experience all kinds of different emotions, and they can pop up at any time.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

he goes back to work in 7 weeks

Is he returning to the same place?

Regardless, this will be very difficult for you. Can he get a job in which he doesn't have to travel?

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

As someone who is a professional musician that was away most weekends playing, if he truly cared about making this relationship work, he wouldn't have to think about it, he would just know. His priorities would shift and it would actually be DIFFICULT to continue doing things the way he does. I played almost a full year at a grueling pace after my wife's incident, which helped me deal with the emotions. But something changed later in the year, and I realized I wasn't happy doing what I was doing anymore. I missed my wife and was tired of living a separate life from her. We rearranged the structure of the band and added an additional member. Now they play most shows without me (I can still decide what shows I want to perform or not), so I still get my fix a few times a month but I'm not obligated to a full schedule. It's been over a full year since that went into effect, and I thought about playing a few more shows a year, but in my heart it still feels like I don't really want it that much anymore.

You'll know his priorities when they show themselves.

A couple of issues:
One thing you should consider broaching with the MC is the need for honesty. If you are up to it make this commitment: That as long as your partner is honest and open and isn’t caught in lies and deception you are willing to commit to reconciling. Even if that leads to a confession to having cheated before. Make it clear that his honesty will give you a clear message that he trusts you.

What made him confess this one instance?
If it was an unprompted confession then this could be considered positive and an indication that this is his first time.
Frequency is a key issue. It is important that he admits/confesses if this is a regular occurrence or something that has only happened once. You can only recover from what you know.

The OW… A random hookup or someone he might be running into again? A key-issue.

I have a couple of friends that are pro-musicians (albeit one of them in a symphony). A touring band might have a perceived reputation to party, but professional musicians either learn or they burn out. At some point the concept of an obligatory line of coke and quart of Bourbon pre-show, groupies and green-room parties starts to wear thin. Once you start lagging in the rhythm or missing cues your "friends" start looking for a new drummer/keyboardist/guitar player or whatever, no matter your role in the partybus.
The late Frank Zappa had a complete no-drugs, no alcohol policy despite the weirdness of his material – or maybe because of it. Riders for the big stars generally contain more health-items than alcoholic items.
Seeing as your partner is probably pushing late thirties, early forties I wonder about the party-mentality of his band-culture… Are they still at the teenage-level party stage, or is it a professional group?

I actually don’t see the work as a problem per se. Not any more than if he was a trucker, a sailor, traveling salesman or worked on an oil-rig. The rigors of traveling and being separated should be balanced out with time at home where he can then contribute to the family. It’s not ideal, but it’s the pattern numerous occupations live with. The problem would IMHO rather lie with the culture of his place of work – the band. It its still partying and boozing and womanizing… then the job is a problem. But… something tells me that this level of professional musicianship isn’t dealing with that.
I have had jobs where I had to be around ladies that were quite willing to party with me. I never took them up on it because I was in my capacity there as a professional, and I had a fiancé back home waiting (or so I thought…). The job was not the potential problem, but rather if I allowed myself the temptations.