SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unremorseful, lying, manipulative ws hate this site. We shine a light on their bullshit,and it makes it harder for them to continue to control their bs.

She is going to mention this site in mc. She's going to try to get the mc to tell you this site isn't helping you. The truth is, many mc recommend this site.

If she does try,please don't allow her to have that control. You need honesty. You need to heal. This site will be a great help to you.

I agree. The damage is done with sharing this site with your WW. Sadly, it is no longer your safe space. That is why it isn't recommended.

I hope that the damage can be mitigated by jer signing up as a wayward and getting some help, but I suspect that she might not have the emotional bandwidth and maturity yet. Hopefully she'll come around. Many don't.

OP, I want to give you some advice from an older man who has made many mistakes. You seem reactive and quick to make a decision, like canceling the poly right after getting the text. Try slowing down. Run things past the community (which will now be harder) and contril the pace.

To your WW: you are not the victim here. Stop DARVOing. It is often not the affair that kills the marriage, but the actions afterwards, and you are making most, if not all of the classic mistakes. Join and post in the wayward section. They will help you. Years ago, we had a wayward here by the handle Lifedestroyer. Sadly, her posts were deleted for some reason, but they would be illuminating as a cautionary tale for any wayward. Anyway, there are some good FWSs here who can guide you.

Good luck both of you.

OP, are you in IC?

It sounds like you could really use an advocate.

I have nothing to add that the last 10+ posters haven’t already. Every one of them is spot on.

Lifedestroyer is the one I was thinking of that ruined her chances by lying all the way through the polygraph. Her BS was all set to work on the marriage but her continued lying killed any chance of that. Her posts (and his) are still here. You have to google search her screen name and it’ll come up.

Im not in IC. Theres only so much money and time to go around.

I texted the MC.

“Hey, (counseler). I have a question I positively have to ask. Between us seeing you last wednesday and your texts to us on thursday, was there any communication between you and (WW)?”

WW was also asked in text. She denied there was anything such.

Been a few hours. No answer yet from MC. On Thursday evening, there was a moment in our not getting along where I picked up her phone to go through it. She got right in my face and yelled at me, but allowed me to do it. I didnt really go through it looking for anything in particular, but Im wondering if this is why that happened.

But honestly, we were both at the end of our ropes that night.

Frankly one of my fears is that Im giving over to paranoia.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 5:51 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

I picked up her phone to go through it. She got right in my face and yelled at me,

More proof that she has zero remorse.

A ws who wants true reconciliation, is transparent. They have zero problem with their bs picking up their phone. A remorseful ws isn't defensive, or angry.

Infidelity is a form of abuse. She continues to be abusive.

Really, whether she contacted mc or not, she clearly is treating you terribly.

Look at the phone bill. It's easy enough yo access online. Call logs, messages, can be deleted. Check the bill.

I was in the process of giving her a ration of shit when she did that.
I used pretty hurtful language.

To her credit she has let me go through it multiple times without issue.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 6:04 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

Infidelity is traumatizing. She has traumatized you. She has changed her stories so often it's torture.

It's been 10 years since dday. Had she done ANY work on herself, she would know you are traumatized by her actions,and constant lies.

There is no excuse for her behavior. As long as you continue to excuse it away, this won't change. You need to require more. And, if she wants R, she needs to hold herself to a higher standard.

Full access to the phone is bare minimum.

Being mad,and upset, because your wife cheated..a lot..and continues to lie..is normal.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:12 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

Hi 5bluedrops, I've read through most of this thread and I am really discouraged for you. That can change though. You will have to start taking steps to protect yourself though, and stop taking steps to protect your WW. I suspect some/most of that behavior stems from your southern upbringing, but it needs to stop. She's not the one who has been wronged here, you are. I'd recommend withdrawing from her to figure out what you want. Reading up on the 180 here and implementing it in your daily life would likely help you tremendously.

You are at the beginning of a very long and rocky path. There is no rushing this whether you D or R. Her attempts to rugsweep this may work for her, but it will devastate you long term. Please do not do that. Good luck and please listen to the more experienced posters on this site. They are doing their best to help you.

5bd,

I would also urge YOU to get into IC and explore the reasons for your codependency. You’re allowing her to walk all over you, disrespect you in terrible ways, and can’t find the spine to stand up to her with healthy boundaries, etc.

First step is believing you can change, assuming you truly want to. You can live far better than what you are accepting.

Will you?

" but I HAVE told you the truth"

Polygraphs are not considered reliable. However, they may have some value.

My wife completely fooled our first marital counselor, which was shortly after the affair, which affair she denied, as well as me, and then lied so much in marital counseling the second time we went, nine years after the affair, that it nearly drove me crazy. She said things like "I'm telling you the truth and you don't believe me", and "I'm telling you the truth and you can't handle the truth". But the story did not add up. Just didn't make sense. I got to the point where I actually believed her.

Then she broke down and confessed.

It was a huge mindfuck. It was probably the cruelest thing anybody has ever done to me.

Forget the affair, forget the sex, the lying was just unbelievable.

I think, if it would've helped prevent me from going through what I went through, and I don't know that it would have helped, I would try a polygraph.

The problem with a polygraph, since you don't get many questions, is that once you know there has actually been cheating, the number of questions that you actually have is really large. Even after my wife confessed initially to fucking the other guy, she continued to lie about so many things related to the cheating.

The best advice I can give you is to do what you feel comfortable with. It may not be the right decision in the end, but it's only right decision now. I did the best I could both times, both the year the affair took place, and nine years later, when it was clear that there was something else. It was fucking awful both times, but I did what I thought was right, and that is the only right thing to do.

MC got back to me. Very kindly explained that there wasnt a precedent reason for those texts. I also had a chance to audit my wifes phone.

There was no foul on either side. He just wanted to delay the polygraph until we have made more progress after thinking on it for a day.

WW being very kind to me since she got home from work, and things are smooth atm.

The MC is an enlightened, compassionate man. I value his input and Im going to give his way a chance. Maybe things will go better this way, for all I know.

Im looking forward to a day where I dont see phantom conspiracies in every dimly lit corner of my life. Its hard for me not to chastise myself for becoming angry, being distant, or mistrusting others. I realize those things are a fact of circumstances that arent my fault, but I was raised to self criticize to the convenience of others. Self blame is reflexive, here.

I am doing my best, errant attempt one after the other. It feels like trying to stand on a kitchen floor with a cooking oil spill. Whoops, there I go. Whoops, busted my ass again.

I was raised to self criticize to the convenience of others. Self blame is reflexive, here

This is the work you need to do on yourself.

Just know that delaying the polygraph, could mean you start to heal, then you find out there's more to her cheating than she's told you. And you will be right back at square one.

Per my previous post It still would be good to know if she touched their body parts in any way. She only admitted to them touching her. What does she say to that and include that in the poly.

Also what I recommended before to you is important for discussing in MC:

But more importantly Id want you to stress the other thing you are saying… how she protected each of them and didn’t protect you one bit from what she was doing.

Every step of the way she covered for what she was doing with them. And you, she helped them make a butt of their jokes. She showed absolutely no concern for you.

Tell her how that makes you feel. You should have been the one she cared about the most. Instead you were the one you cared about the least.

How does that make her feel now? She may have realized it finally in December back then, but she never worked through it with a therapist. Not in ten years.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:35 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

I’m in the camp of "there can be no healing without the truth being laid bare"

Polygraph, then counseling.

You are free to learn the hard way, as so many others here have. Why do you think they are giving the advice that they are?

I agree, hang in there. Stop beating yourself up! None of us did this perfectly. You are not weak. None of this is easy. You will read many negative comments about your WW. Understand everyone responding is a BS who has lived through a betrayal, and skepticism comes along with the betrayal.
You have to do things on your schedule. It’s your life and your M. The goal is to survive infidelity. To do so you want to learn as much truth of your WW’s infidelity ten years ago as you can. A poly will help. Your WW may have given you the entire story or she may not. It would not be unusual for the WS to withhold the most hurtful details of her infidelity. Still you need resolution. A poly will help. If you are going to proceed down the path outlined by your counselor, make sure you emphasize that for you to resolve your doubts and questions you need to see actions in good faith to be transparent and answer all questions openly, repeatedly if necessary. Always value yourself. Do share with your WW how hurtful her actions were in siding with others and making fun of you. Good luck.

I deleted my original post because, after reading it, it seemed too harsh and OP doesn't need that now.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 10:42 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

5bd,

If I read correctly your WW also had sex with the female coworker?

Are you sure she's not cheating with girls on the side and not considering it cheating.

Did you expose the people she was cheating with to their spouses or so?

Did you interview the people she was cheating with to check her story?

Timeline and polygraph.

STD testing.

Yeah, she got fingered by a girl and a dude in the backseat of a car.

Its the weirdest thing.

Shes the straightest girl Ive ever met. She has Nothing but contempt for the idea of being anything else.

Like, it defies belief, to a degree that its totally alien to everything I know about her. But obviously it happened. She admits it. In fact, she admitted K(the girl) fingered her 5 years before she admitted B fingered her at the same time.

About that night; Ww and I sat down and reverse engineered the whole night, being at the club, getting in the car, getting fingered driving to the house, getting kicked out, going to Ks house, waiting for me to pick her up. We generously estimated travel and walking times for all steps of the evening, according to her telling of the story.

And? Well, theres a missing hour and 40 minutes, at least. Something she hasnt explained, took an hour and 40 minutes.

Her explanation? Well theres no telling how long we might have talked on the couch before they kicked me out.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 1:41 AM, Sunday, March 24th]

If she really does not have any attraction to women, the logical answer is she let the girl do that to her to impress the guy she was with.