SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

I found out two weeks ago that my long term partner had a very drunken ONS.

We’re BOTH extremely shocked and traumatised by this as he’s normally someone with a lot of self control and integrity.

He’s doing the work, we’re seeing a couples therapist and I believe I have the capacity to heal given the right conditions. However, he works away all week, every week and I don’t find this helpful at all. I need him here with me, which sounds crazy after all the hurt he’s caused. But I need him close to me - does that make sense or have I really lost the plot?

Can you repair a relationship from a distance?

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

🙏

I don't experience healing a relationship from a distance. BUT, I totally understand needing him nearby. I felt the same way. It felt like FWH wasn't out of my sight for the first 6 months.

Having them close by for the first months (even years) is normal. He cheated while he was away. And now he is away again. Of course your brain is going to associate his distance as dangerous. It was before… your brain thinks it can be again.

Is he in IC to find out why he did something "so out of character"? MC will address things like communication style, but it often does not ask the WS to really dig deep into why they did what they did. (Hint: it had nothing to do with your relationship.)

What can of transparency is he providing while he is away to help put your mind at ease? He needs to provide you tons of transparency to help you, especially in these very early days. What else is he doing to help you?

Please read in the Just Found Out forum — there are pinned posts and posts with a bullseye that are very helpful. (You may have to page through a few pages to find the bullseye posts).. Also read in the healing library.

Sorry you had to find yourself here. Keep posting.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you have a reason to join us. First, there are some posts pinned at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you might find helpful, as well as some marked with a bull's eye. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a nice blueprint that your WH (wayward husband) may find helpful. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a great resource. I like the chapter on windows and walls because it's a great analogy for setting boundaries with people outside your M (marriage).

Focus on you and your healing. You both may wish to do STD/STI testing, as some of our members have contracted some nasty surprises. If you're having trouble with sleep, depression, anxiety, please ask your doctor for some meds. You may not need them long-term, but they can be helpful.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with somebody experienced in betrayal trauma can be helpful. I found meditation and mindfulness activities have helped me tremendously.

Healing from infidelity can take years. R (reconciliation) is tough, but it can be done. It takes 100% commitment from both parties and isn't easy. It depends a lot on whether the cheater does the work to fix what allowed them to cheat in the first place.

Hey, Lostapple. I can relate as at the time of my BF's infidelity, he worked offshore 14 days on/14 days off. He wound up getting an exemption to support the team from the shore side (working from home), so that he could attend therapy sessions...then he got a new, 100% shoreside job. While the exemption request was processing, he went off-shore for one more rotation, almost right away after discovery, and right now (just about 6 months post-discovery) he's on a business trip for the new role, and I can confirm: distance while reconciling is the PITS. I mean, hey...that's why I logged back in here for the first time in months today.

I don't know the nature of your partner's job, but could he request a few months off traveling for work? Or maybe a reassignment, temporary or permanent, to a role that doesn't travel? My bf told HR that he had a medical condition that he needed to regularly see an in-person provider for. (Technically true, and she even provided him with a diagnosis code in case he needed it, but they never requested any documentation - I think because it wasn't actually leave; he still worked, just remotely.)

Holding space for you. Please feel free to reach out.. I understand the unique challenges when there's distance involved. And you haven't lost the plot at all. It's a survival response. He is the person you reach for in times of stress, anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, betrayal - in this case, he's just also the one that caused the distress.