SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pesky, indeed.

Fit43
Thanks for the book suggestion, I just put it in my Amazon cart. Also appreciate you sharing your mission statement. I absolutely see the possibility of being destroyed as a person by this, hell I would say that I watched that happen to my mother. I need to not let that happen, for me and my kids.

Again, please stick around. It’s a fantastic community and if you have a goal of paying it forward and helping others heal, I know of no better place to do that.

I just looked into the apartment market in my area. It’s actually more affordable than I might have guessed, particularly for a one bedroom we could use to do the whole nesting thing from. Maybe we do that, get the house ready to sell, finish this school year for the kids without uprooting them and then finish things after that. I have a hope that even my 50% time with my kids will be better than the 100% now given all the turmoil. Anyone experienced that?

Inkhulk,

To reiterate what others have said IHS would more than likely add to the 'bad' side of the equation. On occasion circumstances will dictate that everyone remains in the house until it is sold. Only you know those particulars. As far as flip flopping for the kids again only you would know how that would work in your situation. That said would you do best with some stability and permanence (meaning not one week here one week there)?

You can have it added to the divorce agreement that one or the other will remain in the home until it is sold. Whichever does is responsible for the house payment. The other then is free to enter into whatever they need until the divorce is final and the house is sold. Leaving the marital home once i made the decision to divorce, while painful, was the best for me.

Stonsy's book is good. You can find him discussing it on Youtube if you pay your Google bill on time

Peace.

Good to hear you moving in some direction, Ink. I bet it was hard to make that initial phone call. It was for me the other day, as well. Different parts of the brain and emotions register change differently. To take the first step is the hardest. I made more calls about rentals the next day and found the weight of doing them was lighter.

If you can arrange some rock-solid means to prevent any "dates" from popping in to foul your nest while you are at the alternate place, that may be a solution to explore.

You mention getting the house ready for sale. On that, I suggest checking into renting a storage locker to move bulky furniture out of the house, as you will need space to do any sprucing up, even a few rooms at a time, it's like playing checkers to clear space otherwise. And the advantage of minimizing personal belongings when selling houses is very well-known. So you could use the locker then, as you stage the house for sale.

I have a hope that even my 50% time with my kids will be better than the 100% now given all the turmoil. Anyone experienced that?

Yes. My two oldest are stepchildren. We married when they were 5 and 6. It just is a different rhythm than with our bio child. Meaning we were able to clear off specific time to spend with them rather than catching it more organically. I would say we had every bit of the same amount of focused time with them as we had with our one bio-child who lived with us full time her whole life. The rhythm is different because being intentional is more high stakes.

Also, as someone who just left for two years to travel the country and as an empty nester, our relationships with our kids are stronger than ever. Why? Because sometimes when you know time is limited you pour more into it.

How old are your kids?

They are all double digits, none left the house yet.

I have a hope that even my 50% time with my kids will be better than the 100% now given all the turmoil. Anyone experienced that?

I realized I wasn't the best parent I could be in the turmoil. The 50/50 has allowed me to spend quality time with them now, with a mom who isn't an emotional mess and rollercoaster.

Ink,

I don't know where this fits...but my fWW was stifled in R because she did not even have the language to put words to, or understand the feelings or consequences of what had happened. While a very intelligent woman (chemist by trade) she was about as emotionally intelligent as Howard on the Big Bang Theory. So while I was getting great feedback and learning by reading books and engaging on SI, she was still learning how to crawl so to speak. The progress was painfully slow, because she had to learn so much I took for granted. Frankly, she was resistant to learning, because she did not know she was so uneducated. (hard for someone who is so smart in other areas to understand they may be stupid outside of their field) She slowly became more curious and learned. Again, it was painfully slow. I don't know if that is similar for your WW.

My point is not to talk you out of D. You have to decide for you what is best, and for me it could have gone either way in the first few years.

My point, is to help you understand maybe where she is in her development. When the divorce is final, maybe you can understand that her progress may not have been slow because you or the family did not matter, it was slow maybe because she did not have the language to learn to be a safe wife or friend. Maybe she did the best with what she had, but what she had was not enough to do R. And that is not your fault, or anyone's for that matter. It is what it is. That understanding may help as you have to remain in contact to co-parent your kids. Maybe a better term than unintelligent is emotionally immature. You cannot will her to gain that maturity, understanding or insight. That is what D may be the best route. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. And nothing you do will help her gain the insight she needs in order to mature. I wish you and your family the best.

Had the most direct talk today about next steps, living arrangements, finances. She was as "professional" as one could be. She said she got advice that at this point we need to just regard things as business transactions, and I agree. We both have huge interest in being excellent parents and we both have a lot at stake financially. If we can both keep that in mind and act accordingly, I think we can move toward the best possible unraveling of this.

Plan of record right now is we’ll share the house. Keeps us both with the kids, preserves cash that we don’t have a ton of. If either of us doesn’t want to continue that, we pull the plug on it and get an apartment. Today I feel a sense of freedom, but I have to imagine a litany of emotions will be coming. Will tell the kids in the coming days, one is out of town. Will celebrate one last holiday for the kids tomorrow.

What a fucking shame. A waste and a shame.

Excuse me. "Share the house" as in cohabitate with your ex?

Separate rooms, but yes. Until we can get the house ready to sell.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 8:00 PM, Saturday, March 30th]

Today I feel a sense of freedom, but I have to imagine a litany of emotions will be coming.

Yes, I did the same. Felt the freedom at first, and then had several things that I had to grieve through. Not just the divorce, but all of the future plans that I had.

Sorry, IH. You fought a good fight.

Will celebrate one last holiday for the kids tomorrow.

Ouch. I’m so sorry.

InkHulk, maybe you can handle that. No way I could. I wish you the best. Sending strength.

I am so sorry to hear, InkHulk. I do feel you will be much better off in the long run getting D, but yeah, this does sound painful. You did everything you could to fix this and then some.

InkHulk, maybe you can handle that. No way I could.

I gotta say, I’ve come to find it funny to hear this almost everytime I hear it on this site. I think it’s been thoroughly shown that almost all of us accepted something unacceptable in the course of our infidelity journeys, things we never would have thought we would, things we risk losing self respect for.

This is not personal in any way, shape, or form, but I find it extra interesting coming from the man who told me about "integrity adjacent" and the ability to accept elements of cheating in order to attempt R. After all I’ve been thru, this seems like nothing, with a very easy out if I think it sucks.

I wish you the best. Sending strength.

Thank you, it is genuinely appreciated.

I gotta say, I’ve come to find it funny to hear this almost everytime I hear it on this site.

"I couldn’t do it" or "that would be a dealbreaker for me", is my personal pet peeve here too. Most of us - okay mostly me but probably others too - are walking billboards for having believed one thing but clearly having no idea what our dealbreakers actually are until we’re faced with them. AND YET…. despite all this, I find myself thinking it or typing it (and then deleting it) at least once a week.

Happy Easter InkHulk,

My God bless you and the family today.

I hope you are all adjusting to the new family circumstances.
Is your wife still feeling and expressing (possible hurt, frustration and) anger towards you.
I appreciate that you understand the grief cycle/process.

How are you both adjusting?
I can understand if it is also a significant shock/transition for you as well as your WW.

Blessings,
FAWH

I didn't mean any insult. I just don't have any advice for you because I can't imagine trying to manage that situation

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:12 AM, Monday, April 1st]