As somebody on another thread posted, infidelity is just one aspect of the larger picture about a person. We see this playing out so often here. I think the decision to quit really boils down to the point in a marriage with someone like this, where you finally have enough evidence to tell you that M with them has been, is now and always will be "all about them." But hope dies hard, right? Especially when there are diagnosed issues, whether NPD, ASD, BPD or even undiagnosed whatever.
I've learned that it makes little difference whether they're deliberately refusing to give up their selfishness, or they just do not possess the mental capacity to see their actions from anyone else's perspective. The adverse effect on the spouse is the same.
Back in 2003, after D-Day 1, which hit 4 years after we married but just months after I'd mortgaged my prior home to buy us a farm, I was told by several therapists not to try so hard to diagnose him and not to "label" a complex human being. I don't like being labeled, either, and I felt empathy enough to work with the broken man I married and was in debt with, to see if he would really "do the work." That never happened. A graduate neuroscience course I took in 2009 taught me almost all behavior is learned and thus can be unlearned if the motivation to change is strong enough. So I've spent the last 10 years after D-Day 2 watching and waiting for observable signs of change in his restrictive self-focus and "blindness" to others (to me or even to our dogs), still not seeing much outward change other than not "acting out" for several years. Meanwhle, a zillion irritating reminders of the entitled mindset he either inherited or learned, I'm not sure which.
Most people will say it's way past time to shake things up and make some change happen. I agree, but that is exactly where I'm stuck!
If this place weren't already solely in my name it would be tempting to just pack up and move myself out. But he is not going to stay in my house if I'm gone! (He'd go for that.) He waived his spousal rights to this house 10 years ago after D-Day 2, so he has been staying "at my discretion" the way my lawyer put it. He has paid the utility bills and bought food and gas, but I pay all my taxes and hefty insurance on the property, including his place of business. (We are not partners in that business, and I put that in the Agreement. Yet I feel I'm a default partner whenever delivery trucks come rumbling down the driveway to deliver parts. It's pretty intrusive, but it buys groceries...)
The issue I'm chewing over is how to shake things up in the kindest way to have him move 100% out of the house, since I see he's way too comfortable with this IHS, while still letting him continue working down in my farm shop that he uses for his business base.
We have a camper, but no water or sewer hookups for it. In 2020 he broke our agreement that he would not bring another secret phone into my house, so the day I found him with that, I kicked him out to the camper, set by the house for his bathroom access, supposedly on an emergency basis. That lasted 6 months, and he was fine with that set up, too.
I frequently have said he should start looking for a place to rent or take the camper to a nearby campground and live like he wants to live: solo. No reaction. Yesterday, I checked out local rentals after hesitating to make that call, because honestly, it feels like a bitter defeat after an epic battle. And then I told him about them. No verbal reaction but I could see his face redden. Today I showed him some listings I found for him to choose among. He did at least give them a moment's consideration. I'm pitching this as temporary.
This either will get me some space and peace, or it may be the beginning of the end. I foresee a future as an old lady sitting out alone on the land, nobody around, unable to drive at night...feels like a hollow victory at this stage. Why the heck can't he wake the F up.
[This message edited by Superesse at 4:21 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]