SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just Found Out seems appropriate but it has been two months of discovery, confrontation, etc. and I am at my wits' end. I have read some of the Healing Library and I appreciate the resources here. I have been married for almost 26 years and while my husband and I have had some issues, I had NO IDEA what he has been up to for at least 8 years. I am an introvert and he is super social but it worked for us. I trusted him (well, DUH! That's why he got away with it for so long) and I had no problem with him going out to trivia once a week with mutual friends. Which then expanded to watching football at the local bar because nobody else at home is a sports fan. We have two adult daughters-one with pretty severe mental illness issues who is not at home and one who struggles with anxiety and depression and still lives with us. I mention this to say that part of the reason I ignored things that seemed odd but weren't HUGE red flags was because I was busy trying to keep my kids alive. I am not taking any of the blame for H's behavior but I feel like a fool. I got very sick at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020 (not Covid related) and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has limited further my socializing. Anyway, my husband's brother opened a pub in 2021 that my husband took a second job at every other Saturday and when he wasn't working there, he was hanging out there. It became increasingly clear over the last year and a half that he had completely checked out of our marriage. He has been taking 1-2 trips/yr to football games in other states since 2008. He has always gone with a couple of guys from work and a mutual friend of ours. Again, I always trusted him so except for some concerns regarding his drinking on these trips, I was not worried.

So in January, he is pricing out cruises and trying to get me to commit to one. Which seems weird right considering for Christmas he left a card for me in the Christmas tree that was addressed "To My Friend". He didn't actually give it to me, I found it after we opened gifts with our kids and my mother. I was very upset but didn't trust myself to say anything. And then he got covid and was quarantined in his home office so I let it go for a few weeks. Now he is planning out a vacation for us for next fall which makes NO SENSE. I finally asked him what are we doing? Since he keeps trying to make plans for the future when he acts like he doesn't want to be married anymore as clearly indicated by the lovely Christmas card he left for me. And we have a long talk about how unhappy we have both been and he had decided that I didn't want to be married to him anymore and that's why he had been acting like he had. I was pretty sure he had been hooking up with women at the bar given the chilly reception I received the couple of times I went there with him. So I asked him if he had and he insisted he hadn't. I pushed again and he confessed that he had been to a massage parlor and gotten a hand job. I didn't see that one coming! But given that we had only had sex once since my diagnosis in 2020, I could not blame him. Things were so much better for about a two weeks but then one night he had to work late for a department move. I was still feeling pretty paranoid about the bar (rightfully so), so I finally logged into his computer at home. I had tried before but couldn't get past the pin he had on it. I also couldn't see who he was texting/calling on his cellphone since it is work issued and thumbprint protected. This time I was able to figure out his pin. I went into his Facebook because I realized a few months previously that I couldn't see his list of facebook friends which is pretty suspect. In his Messenger I found several messages with one of the bar flies (L) telling her how much he missed her and how it brightened his day when she came in. There was some return flirting on her part but no sexting or actual mentions of dates. I also went into some of the more recent chats with other women and found that he had asked another woman from the bar out last August (she said no). And that a woman from trivia he had asked her if she wanted him to send some pics of his sexy bod since he had been working out. (She responded with HUH? so he wasn't getting anywhere there.) So I confronted him about this and he said that he had tried to get things going with these other people but that nothing had happened. He also told me that the person L that he had been messaging the most would not give him her phone number.

We talked, I was upset but I was still willing to try to move past this since it had all been contained to the last two years. We were communicating about everything (I thought) and things really were better than they had been in years. But I still had my doubts that he was being honest about everything. And I had been on here so I kept telling him that I needed to know EVERYTHING if I was going to be able to try to move past it, which is what he keeps insisting is what he wants. And we went on like that for another week or so and I kept popping on to his messenger when he wasn't home. And I found stuff from BEFORE I got sick (2019) where he met some chick at the bar he goes to for trivia and sent her a message asking her if she wanted to go out with him the following weekend. She didn't respond on Facebook. So I confront him AGAIN and tell him AGAIN that I don't believe him when he says there is nothing else to find out. (I have heard that so many times at this point). And I have asked about his football trips several times and he insisted that nothing happened on them. Well this time, I said I was going to call our mutual friend and ask him since my H is clearly not being honest with me. And he panics and confesses that ONCE on a trip in 2017, he picked up this woman (J) in California and had sex with her. But it was only the one time. I later found out that our friend was so upset about being put in that position that he told my H if I ever asked he would tell me which is why my H confessed. He was banished to sleeping in his office at that point.

The next morning I was still very upset but I had to go into the office. When I got there I searched for J on Facebook and our mutual friend (K) is friends with her, I could see several times where both K and my H were with her at a tailgate when they were in California, and twice at baseball games here in Boston. The first game was 6 months after the football game hookup. J flew across the country to go to a Red Sox game with both my H and mutual friend. Posted a pic of all of them at Fenway tagging mutual friend (K) and saying "And the other guy I'm not supposed to tag". And then again two years later here in Bos and in CA in 2021 she is in pics with them. So I lose my sh*t again and tell him I want him out of the house when I get home. I send her a message through FB saying I want to know the exact nature of their relationship. She actually responds and says she is traveling and can we chat when she gets home the next day. H went to stay with mutual friend and I went into his email account. And I see that H emailed J that morning (before I saw the pics) saying I might reach out to her and that he only told me about them at the football game afterparty and NOT about them on her first trip to Boston. So apparently this woman has remained friends with mutual friend and H and J were no longer having an A. J had sent me her phone number and asked me to call her the next day but I messaged her at that point and said I had the info I needed.

Another round of I'm sorrys etc from my husband. And I let him come home but make no promises for going forward. And in the meantime I found in the notes app on his phone which backs up to his gmail a list of sex worker phone numbers from 2019. And a couple of them have the notation next to them (texted). And I confront him and this time he said that they wanted money up front which convinced him it was a scam. But he did confess to 4 trips to massage parlors with happy endings, not the original 1 or 3.

Fast forward, I started digging in his google history and found a disturbing amount of porn and bedpages searches. He confessed to being on a couple of dating apps but said nothing came of them. Then last weekend when I told him AGAIN that I need the whole picture, he finally confessed to having sex with a local sex worker twice-once in 2019 and once this past October. He had a physical at the end of February and I made him do a full STI panel which fortunately came back negative and I made sure to view the results myself.

But I kept digging and found evidence of at LEAST two more prostitutes in 2016. At this point, I think he is either a sex addict or addicted to porn or both. I have told him repeatedly that I want a timeline of all of his activities. He has had the same therapist for 18 years but I am convinced he is a crappy one because he has never once asked my husband about his drinking or his emotionally abusive parents. So finally H starts the timeline yesterday. Only what he is putting in it is all of his google searches. I told him that is not what I meant and that he needs to include the sex workers, the "massages", J, the women at the bars and anything else he hasn't told me. This morning I read what he considered to be almost complete and he is still only revealing what I have found on my own. I really think he has a problem but I don't know what to do to make him face it.

I NEED him out of the house but the reality is I can't afford to not have his income. He claims he will continue to pay the mortgage but that isn't the only bill. And I took a lower paying job in academia so our kids could go to school for free-not that either did more than a semester. So my life is a mess. I'm 58 and good luck to a woman my age with a chronic health condition trying to find a better job. I know I don't have to make any decisions right now but I am so ANGRY and HURT. I KNOW that his behavior is not on me but
and the rational part of my brain wants him GONE. But I can't figure out how to make that work. And even WORSE! When I first found out about J on the football trip in 2016, and I asked him to leave, H told my younger daughter (the more stable one) that he cheated on me, that he hurt me very badly. I was not planning on telling her. She is 22. I didn't give her the details just said that it was a long time ago. Well this weekend when I found out about even MORE sex workers and made him leave, she happened to come down from her room And I spilled the whole story. Which is so inappropriate I know. So now I am here trying to process. I have only told one friend about this. Not the mutual friend. Who I definitely need to clear the air with. I don't know if he knows anything about the rest of this ugly story.

I'm so sorry. Your husband is like one of those criminals that only confesses to what the police can prove. The story keeps changing and evolving to encompass the new evidence that is uncovered. That is no way for you to live. He doesn't love and respect you the way you deserve.

I'm not going to tell you that you need to leave him, but start thinking about that would look like. I know it's scary, and you would probably have to down-size, but the good news is that you will also be losing a cheating liar. Right now I guess you're trying to figure out any way to reconcile the man you are uncovering with the man you thought you were married to. And, honestly, there isn't any way to put those two things together. They are polar opposites.

I can also say that once you've gotten out of infidelity, you will be so much happier. It will feel as if a weight has been lifted from your chest and that you can finally breathe again. Keep posting here and taking in what the other posters are advising. It's so hard and so scary at first, but you can do this.

It sounds like sex addiction. He doesn’t appear to be able to stop. If you two want to stay married he needs a work up with an experience therapist. One whose training is working with sex addicts. He also needs group therapy SAA to keep his feet to the fire.

You need to get tested asap. There are some scary diseases floating around out there.

If you are having trouble sleeping or eating see a dr for short term meds to help with anxiety.

No alcohol or recreational drugs. They will not help you with decisions or grief.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Thank you FunHouseMirror that is exactly what it is like. A criminal who will only confess to what I can prove. Thank you for your quick reply. It just helps to be able to talk about it.

Don't feel bad about telling your daughter the truth. Especially considering her anxiety issues. She needed that truth. Otherwise, he would certainly lie,and manipulate her,as that's what he's doing to you. Age appropriate honesty is always the best. Don't allow his bullshit to turn you into being someone your kids can't trust.

Also..he's not doing this because of the lack of sex between the two of you. He could have told you if he didn't get sex from you,he'd get it elsewhere. But,he didn't.

You have been abused for a very long time. Infidelity is abuse. You have been repeatedly traumatized, since dday 1. Be kind to yourself.

Raven I just want to say I’m so sorry. Your story is very similar to mine and it’s heartbreaking. I also have one almost grown child with fairly severe mental health issues that are consuming. Our marriage was good and we were regularly sexually intimate and that did not keep my WH from cheating. He had four different one night stands over ten years while traveling for work. No paid sex workers but I often wonder if eventually that would have happened. He also lied and lied until I threatened with polygraph and then I found out everything.
I’m a little confused on what happened in 2016. You knew about the affair then?
I’ve set a hard boundary that another indiscretion of any type and I am done. He’s doing intense therapy and so far he seems extremely remorseful and is working on himself. He’s very attentive and loving. It feels like a little too late but I’m also trying to be practical and we are trying to reconcile.
I have a very well paid job but it’s a niche and would not be easy to replace. I left a broader field thinking that we were close to retirement I had ten years of being completely in the dark about his behavior. It’s disturbing and really just leaves you feeling like you’ve been run over with a truck emotionally. I still cannot make sense of who I thought he was with who he is and I don’t think I will. I am giving him the chance to work on himself though. Big hugs to you. I know we are just not in an easy position. If he is not completely remorseful and willing to work on himself or put energy into the marriage I would start your own exit plan. Whatever that may look like. I’m looking at buying another property in a warmer state that I enjoy. If we reconcile then it will be income producing property and if not I would likely move there.

Hi and sorry you had to find us.

Agree that the first thing is the STD/STI tests.
2nd will be a lawyer to understand what Divorce (D) might look like. A real financial picture will help as you navigate your next months.
Also consider if legal separation is allowed in your state.

He’s been using marital funds to finance his cheating, so it might be worth taking a closer look at your finances.

Keep reading and posting.
We’re here for you.

Sorry you're joining the best club nobody wants to join. Is he trying to hook up with women on his work phone? If he gets busted by HR, he's going to be in a world of trouble.

One book recommendation is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and is a nice guide for your WH to follow. (You can read it, too.)

Only what he is putting in it is all of his google searches. I told him that is not what I meant

Good for you! I also asked for feelings and thought processes from my XWH. I still created a better timeline than he did.

In the D/S (divorce/separation) forum, there's a thread called Fear vs. Reality, where members have posted what their initial fears were and what the reality is. I was very fearful as well, but the pain and abuse from staying was greater than what my fears were at the time.

If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma therapist may help you process through this. My second IC was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so helpful in my healing journey.

Thanks Everyone for the feedback. I really appreciate it. He is remorseful or at least appears to be. He quit drinking (not that it matters but I never felt like he was addicted to alcohol, just abusing it to cope with feelings), and he quit working at the bar. He keeps saying he thought sex was what he needed but he always felt terrible afterwards and kept on doing it anyway. But none of that is an excuse.

He does have a separate checking/savings account which I asked for access to this weekend. And yes I can see the cash w/d but not as far back as I would like. Because he had 1Password set up on his computer and he gave me that pw to get into the bank accounts, I used it to also log into his credit card and found his subscriptions to Adult Friend Finder and Ashley Madison from last year.

Cooley2here thank you. I had him do a quiz on if you may be a sex addict and he answered yes to 5 out of 10 questions. And you only needed to answer yes to one for the site to say you should seek help.

Saltishealing I didn't know about ANY of this until the last two months.

Leafields thank you for the tips. I will check out the Fear vs. Reality section.

Ok that clarifies things. I was reeling for months after discovery. I was just a bit confused with your timeline but sounds very similar to my situation in that it goes back many years but is just being exposed.
Sounds very similar to my WH. Continued to seek validation and sex that did not ultimately fix the gaping hole he was trying to fill. He sees it for what it is now but it has left me with the collateral damage. If he is remorseful and is willing to work on himself you will see if he will stay the course with time. I’ve set up full transparency with all electronics and polygraph anytime I need one. And weekly therapy with sex addiction specialist. So far he’s doing all of this.
For myself I’m trying to get my ducks in a row mentally and financially if I do decide ultimately I need to leave. I’m not there yet though honestly. It’s so hard to think about starting over in your middle age years.

Also, I couldn't find any evidence on his phone once I got in but he did delete a bunch of stuff. I found the back up file to his phone in his google drive but when I click on it the only options are preview and delete. Preview lets me see how many kbs of information is in there but there is no way to open and view it. If anyone can give me advice regarding that, I would appreciate it. His phone is a samsung galaxy.

Same scenario with mine (minus offspring). He was a tech with bands and it's basically a smorgasbord out there for these guys. I eventually found out that he'd been at it for 20 out of our 22 years.

I was 55 and terrified, we'd just bought a house and gone in a hole to have it renovated, he gave me an STD and had the girlfriend over to 'purify' the house while I was away - she's native and they smudged the whole damn place with sweetgrass and tobacco. (The BALLS on these people!)

He had to go, and it was hell but I lived to tell and I'm 70 now, tried retiring but got offered a great admin job in academia that I couldn't pass up so now I'm collecting pension and making more money than I've ever had in my life.

It took me five years to disengage completely due to some attachments to my mum who passed away in the middle of the whole mess.

If he makes more income than you do it will be time for him to pony up some alimony while you get sorted.

Talk to a lawyer hon. (Talk to several so he can't use them.)

You can do this. Big hugs. I know exactly how you feel r/n.

ETA Do NOT tell him about SI. This is your safe space to rave.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:50 PM, Monday, March 25th]

SaltisHealing thank you. I know my initial post was a confusing. Sorry about that. I am shaking just typing these responses.

Also, in going through his email I found one with my name in the subject line that he sent to himself. He was keeping a list of the dates when we had sex in 2015-2017. And frankly, I didn't find anything lacking about it considering the other stuff we had going on at that time. And no I know none of that is an excuse but it just opened my eyes even more to how much his perceptions are/were skewed.

FaithFool that is encouraging thank you!

Also, the last few times I have found more stuff and confronted him (he KNOWS I am going through his google history), he was so taken aback that I found more. He keeps saying he didn't think it would go this far. When I asked him what he meant, he said how much of it would come to light. I asked him, "Have you met me? I have told you repeatedly that I do NOT believe you when you say there is nothing else because I keep finding other things. So why would I stop digging?"

He is not remorseful. He is sorry that he got caught and that you are not sweeping it under the rug. Again, I am so sorry. You will have a sense of peace and "knowing" when you have it all or when you find that you just don't care to know any more because you are just done. The anxiety and the wondering is your body's way of telling you that there's more. Read the book "The Body Keeps the Score."

I know this is just so so hard. Please don’t apologize I just didn’t read well enough really. I felt shaky and so anxious for so long. I still struggle with anxiety and not sleeping well.
I don’t think my WH thought his extent of cheating would be revealed either. He would have taken it to the grave if I had not forced the polygraph. I think when there is this much deception they are so used to lying. So accustomed to a double life. The list of times you had sex is interesting. I know when I first found out about the last woman he was involved with he tried to tell me we only had sex once a week. I laughed in his face. We at least have sexthree to four times per week, throughout our marriage. it was like he was completely rewriting history. Later he admitted that he was not thinking straight when he said that. Ugh the stupidness of it all. It makes me cringe. So ya I think they do these things to justify their choices. As if it’s ever justified.

New bs confuse remorse and regret.

He isn't remorseful. He's still lying. If he was remorseful, he wouldn't be lying. And he would be giving you the truth, you wouldn't have to keep finding out.

Be very careful labeling him a sex addict. Only a CSAT can diagnose that. He may just be a run of the mill serial cheater.

If he is actually a sex addict, you are in for a lifetime of this. They very often reoffend. And,once they have the SA label, many use it as an excuse. See? They can't help it..they have a disease.

If you do decide to attempt reconciliation, you need to set requirements.

At minimum..total honesty at all times.

He gives you full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

NC

You get control of the finances. Not him.

He is accountable for his time away from you.

He gets into therapy.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. And zero blame.

He writes you a complete timeline of all infidelity. Then you schedule a polygraph, based on the timeline.

He must drop all friends who knew of the affairs.

Your job is to take care of yourself and your kids. Watch his actions. His words mean nothing. What is he doing to become a safe partner?

Also..if any of the women were married, tell their husbands. They deserve to know.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:38 PM, Monday, March 25th]

That's the thing Hellfire, J is not married and as far as I know the rest are nameless sex workers. And J and I did end up chatting through Messenger, first she tried to claim it was only the one time and he lied to her that he wasn't married (which I know that last part is true) and she kept denying anything else until I finally told her I saw the email he sent her and the pictures she posted where she said she 'wasn't allowed to tag him'. Frankly, I just found her to be a bit pathetic-clearly low self esteem. What woman hooks up with a man, finds out her lied to her about being married, and then flies across the country 5 months later to repeat the process? They broke off contact for a little while after that but our mutual friend K stayed in touch with her. Which if I am understanding things is why she was at a Red Sox game again with them both in 2019 and at a tailgate in CA in 2021. Because the email he sent her only mentioned the first time she came to Boston and not anything after that, I believe that part to be true. He was emailing J not me, so no reason to lie.

Hellfire thank you also for your comments regarding labeling him a Sex Addict. I am just so frustrated with his therapist too. I believe my husband has spent the last several years complaining about us not having enough sex and his kids not working full time. And that is it. Not actually being real about anything. Certainly his therapist didn't know about his extracurriculars.