SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Within those 14 years things have been rough. He’s cheated physically and has had a child outside of our marriage. He’s was also abusive to me for 10 years. Recently back in November he said he wanted to change to be a better person for himself and our kids. I began to an affair. I’ve never stepped out on my marriage until now. He was distraught and has been taking it hard. It’s been 3 months since he found out. We’ve been trying to work through things for the past couple of months. Last week he said I wasn’t the woman he married and that he was single. Yesterday I found out he was intimate with another woman. It was done intentionally to get back at me despite everything he’s already put me through. He said ‘you think you were going to sleep with someone and I never sleep with anyone again?’ Mind you he’s cheated on me at least 10x. He said he wants to change but he will only change for the woman he married though the woman he married he’s broken her.
I just don’t know how to feel or move.

Friend
Welcome to SI and I do so hope you stay around and get some good, solid advice.

However… The JFO forum is ONLY for betrayed spouses (BS) and not Wayward spouses (WS) or Mad Hatters (MH – a situation where both spouses have had an affair at some point in their relationship):
I am therefore moving this thread to the Wayward forum and locking it here on the JFO.

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When moved a thread in Wayward does NOT get a stop-sign. I hope my fellow posters on SI will not take advantage of this and respect that ForgivingLove is on this site asking for guidance. Remember when you came here first, and think long and hard if your contribution is likely to drive her away or help her.
We can be firm without being insulting, demeaning or cruel.

  Moving to Wayward Side

I have professional experience in dealing with abusive relationships…
In the strongest of words possible I’m going to suggest you seek professional guidance.
A 14 year ongoing abusive relationship (physical and/or emotional) won’t change without a HEAP of dedicated and professionally directed work.
Right now, you do NOT focus on him or the marriage. Rather focus on YOU.
I want your next hour spend researching domestic abuse help centers and hotlines in your area. These are not only homes for battered women, but also a great source for resources for women in your situation. They can hook you up with a guide to help you deal with what’s going on.

^^^ Seriously, do that.

An important piece of information for people here to offer pertinent advice is whether both affairs are still ongoing? Both over with NC established?

I agree with bigger.

Focus on your own healing. Which also means thinking about the woman you want to be moving forward. I am not sure why you would want this to be the life you move forward with, but change is an inside job.

I will say this though, if you are feeling like you are in danger please seek safety. These are the kinds of stories where sometimes people get hurt or worse. There is a history of violence here and being cheated on can make people even more out of control.

I definitely would go no contact with your affair partner as well if you have not. Number one, continuing the affair isn’t going to be healing for you. And also, it creates more scenarios in which violence could occur.

This is obviously toxic for all of you, and I worry for your kids.