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Wayward Side :
Tips for Retrieving Old Text Messages?

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 morted (original poster member #84619) posted at 8:21 PM on Saturday, March 30th, 2024

I'm working through my written timeline, and the foggiest period is one I don't have a record for. Could anyone offer advice for retrieving deleted texts messages? I'm not sure if it's possible at this point. I no longer have the phone or same number, but I have the same Google account. If the messages were backed up to my Google account, is there some way to retrieve them? What about the ones I deleted off my phone? I've been reading tech sites, but a bit of it's going over my head. I think my ex had managed to retrieve them and that's how he found out. Before I ask him how he did it I wanted to do the legwork first and only ask him if I really couldn't do it or it was hold up the timeline process too long. This is my work, not his.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2024
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

I think people might be a bit reluctant to assist with this request simply because it possibly involves "helping to hide the evidence," even if your request says the opposite.

In other words, imagine someone under investigation for embezzling money asked you to help them locate all the financial records they had deleted, the same ones the FBI is currently searching for. Is it possible they turned over a new leaf and want to help the FBI arrest them? Sure, it's possible. But history would demonstrate that most people who hid evidence in a crime would rather it stay hidden.

The situation is similar here. If you want to know how your ex found out, ask him, and if you want this info in order to help "do the work" then that is something he should be aware of. Most BS's practically have to beg their WS's to make an effort to do the work, so good on you for making the effort! However, post-affair, things get messy. Most BS would tell you, "You certainly made an effort to figure out how to hide the info, so make the same effort in retrieving it."

You have the same ability that we do to jump on Google and search for applications and services that will help to restore deleted texts, there are many options.

One reason to reach out to your BS is simply this: By asking for their input, you are giving them back what you took away from them during the affair, which is their CHOICE, their agency, and their ability to say what they do and don't want. Your spouse may say to you, "Thanks, it would be helpful for me to see those lost messages, here is how I found the info when I looked...". Or, they might say, "I don't give a damn if you find the messages or not, it changes nothing, and I don't understand what you hope to accomplish". No matter what their response, it makes it clear to them that you are making an effort. If you don't make them aware, then you are hiding information from them. Again.

By making the effort, and NOT making them aware of it, you are (whether you intend to or not) hiding your actions and intentions from them, which is what you did during the affair, so when/if you are found to be secretly be looking for evidence, whether you find it to not, your BS will recognize the secrecy, and see it as manipulation once again. I doubt that's your intended outcome.

Honesty and transparency are the best policies after D-day. As a WS, it can be very scary to open up lines of communication and truth, because it runs the risk of bringing up more anger and more pain, and in many cases, we are already in a bad enough predicament, and don't want to add gasoline to the fire. But the truth is, until it's all on the table, nothing can be resolved. And until you, the WS, can truly "own" what happened, nothing can be resolved. And doing that takes time. It takes effort. It takes a lot of courage and a willingness to throw yourself under the bus when necessary, because no one wants to forgive someone who can't even take ownership of what they did wrong.

I see your signature says you joined very recently, this month, in fact. I'm sorry things are so hard for you, for both of you. Infidelity is a real shit-show, and most WS's don't actually comprehend what it takes to recover. Our experience is that it takes 2-5 years for most couples to "recover", and by recover, I just mean "getting to a point where it doesn't absorb every second of every day" and where R can even be attempted. It's important to understand this. There is nothing you can do or say right now to "make everything better." It's like healing from a broken knee cap - healing takes time, and no amount of money or doctors can speed that process up. Similarly, infidelity has a slow healing time. It is a game of progress, not perfection.

I just want to finish with his. My advice might sound a little harsh, and I apologize for that. It's not meant to be harsh; rather, it's just raw honesty. The people here, myself included, made the same mistakes you did, we also panicked and did all we could to make it go away, and we made many mistakes along the way. So our advice often comes from a place of "knowing you need to touch the hot stove to see that it's really hot", but having already confirmed it's hot ourselves, we may urge you to take more productive steps instead.

I really applaud that you are here looking for support and making the effort to make things right. You came to the right place for help. The truth is, most (90%+?) WS's never even make the attempt to make things better, so you are already ahead of most people, and that's something positive to hold on to for now. You can't fix things without making an effort, and you are already making an effort, so good on you. Stick around, we'll try to help you focus your efforts in whatever ways we can.

Good luck to you both.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8831710
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 morted (original poster member #84619) posted at 2:14 AM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

I think people might be a bit reluctant to assist with this request simply because it possibly involves "helping to hide the evidence," even if your request says the opposite.

Huh. That hadn't occured to me but it makes sense.

If you want to know how your ex found out, ask him,

I don't really have a burning desire to know. I know I was being super suspicious and dishonest so there's a number of ways he could have found out. I know it has something to do with my phone from things he's told me. He's also said he doesn't trust me to tell me because I could use that information to better hide my next affair. Understandably, he doesn't trust me now.

"You certainly made an effort to figure out how to hide the info, so make the same effort in retrieving it."

I've got a feeling this is going to be his response. He often said before the affair that I used him as an encyclopedia instead of trying to figure things out on my own. So I'm working on not doing that. I've told him I'm trying to get more sources for the timeline and would include text messages where possible. I have a date selected for asking him for help with it soon, but want to be able to exhaust all options between then and now. I asked today too if he wanted an update but hasn't wanted to talk about that yet. Considering what you said about hiding information though I think I'll make an effort to bring it up again when I get a chance before the date. I'd rather err on the side of being too forthcoming than not forthcoming enough.

"You have the same ability that we do to jump on Google and search for applications and services that will help to restore deleted texts, there are many options."

True, I was hoping that someone else here had actual experience and could help me figure out which services worked (if any) and which ones were scams (which seems to be all of them so far). It did occur to me after this to post in tech support forums as well.

Our experience is that it takes 2-5 years for most couples to "recover", and by recover, I just mean "getting to a point where it doesn't absorb every second of every day" and where R can even be attempted. It's important to understand this.

It's starting to sink it now.

My advice might sound a little harsh, and I apologize for that. It's not meant to be harsh; rather, it's just raw honesty.

You don't sound harsh. I appreciate all the raw honesty on this forum. If only I had friends telling me things like this about the affair months ago rather than making me affair playlists.

I feel awkward accepting your applause. Its been nearly 4 months since discovery and NOW I'm doing the timeline, but I have messed up majorly in multiple ways in this time, to the point where reconciliation is off the table. We're working out how to coparent and live together amicably in our new reality but we're not planning to spend our lives together once our child doesn't need us to provide him a stable home together anymore. I do plan on sticking around here though. I need the help to get through this.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2024
id 8831732
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 2:26 AM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Here is an opportunity for you to build some trust and connection with your WH. You could tell him that you would like to talk to him about the timeline, that you have some gaps in the timeline, and that your memory is stuck because it sounds like you've hit a wall. Let him know that you feel that recovering some text messages from X or Y date around or during your affair could help you to build out a more complete timeline. It gives you guys a chance to discuss the timeline, you could show him what you have, even point to what you feel the text messages can help you with and ultimately together decide on a path forward.

Maybe he says to you that he doesn't need that level of detail and to not worry about it. He could also turn around and tell you that he thinks that information is worth having and he could offer to do his phone magic (I'm pretty good at most things, I run my own smart home using Home Assistant and self-hosting a bunch of services and I'm clueless in this area) on this.

The important part here is that you are for the first time since before the affair giving him some agency in things. It is important that you both walk away from this with a clear understanding about his expectations and yours. I think there are valid concerns that if you are shown how to do this that you could use it against him to hide better in the future, but at the same time, three years ago I didn't know anything about Home Assistant and yaml files, but that didn't stop me from reading a number of tutorials, watching hours of the HA community videos on YouTube and a lot of tinkering. Point being that if you were so interested in having another affair, you could figure out how to hide your digital tire trail better, so while I understand that concern, it is not as though it is something so far outside your skill gap that teaching you how to do this now is that big of a burden.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 669   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8831733
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 morted (original poster member #84619) posted at 3:36 AM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Ok, so Bor is seconding bringing it up. When he's ready to talk about the timeline next I will.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2024
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seizetheday ( new member #83712) posted at 11:28 AM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

If only I had friends telling me things like this about the affair months ago rather than making me affair playlists.

You should tell your BS who these friends were and be prepared to remove them as friends. any friend that encourages you to have or continue an affair is not a friend of your marriage.

When he's ready to talk about the timeline next I will.

Its better that you initiate or request a time to discuss the timeline. If you wait for him it could look that you are not serious

Me - FWS

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2023
id 8832194
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 morted (original poster member #84619) posted at 3:38 PM on Saturday, April 6th, 2024

You should tell your BS who these friends were and be prepared to remove them as friends. any friend that encourages you to have or continue an affair is not a friend of your marriage.

That was done early on after DDay. I should have done it a long time ago.

[Quote]Its better that you initiate or request a time to discuss the timeline. If you wait for him it could look that you are not serious

There were other things he wanted to discuss when I first brought it up, but we did talk about it. He gave me some tips and directions to go in.

[This message edited by morted at 3:38 PM, Saturday, April 6th]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2024
id 8832511
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