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Wayward Side :
Trying to find a therapist - recommendations?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 wantstorepair (original poster member #32598) posted at 1:11 AM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

I have been unable to find a male therapist who focuses on infidelity and entitlement issues and who has availability for on-line sessions, and who takes tricare insurance. My most recent try using a matching mental health site found what i thought was a good fit with availability, but when he wrote back he said he didn't have availability. The wait times to even get an initial session are months away at best.

I know this is a stretch, but dose anyone have any recommendations? Thank you in advance

posts: 182   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2011
id 8831730
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:28 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

I have been unable to find a male therapist who focuses on infidelity and entitlement issues and who has availability for on-line sessions, and who takes tricare insurance.

How about male, online, takes tricare? Or 'online, takes tricare'? Or 'takes tricare'?

You may find someone good. If not, tell them what you're looking for - they may have a network that they'll use to help you find the fit you want.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30400   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8831808
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PleaseBeFixable ( member #84306) posted at 9:11 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Have you tried the Psychology Today search tool? It may be similar to what you tried but someone gave me the advice to broaden the search area to include my whole state since many people offer services online.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2023   ·   location: California
id 8831839
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Fantastic ( member #84663) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

I have to say that finding the right therapist is a real gamble. I have a friend who is a therapist herself and I asked her if she could recommend someone I could talk to. She sent me really convinced to the therapist she had gone to. I went, I found her pathetic, I just couldn't see myself talking to her. I just could not figure out how my friend had confided in her, because in an hour I was there, I felt very uneasy and was just looking forward to my way out.

So I am saying this because it seems it s just a very personal matter. You have to try one and see if you feel you can trust them. It is a relationship, it either works and you feel in the right hands or not.

posts: 209   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2024
id 8831842
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

My advice may be a little different from others. If you are looking for an IC as opposed to an MC, then looking for someone who specializes in infidelity might not be who you need.

Think of it this way. If your car breaks down, you need a mechanic to fix it. If you need to learn to drive however, then you need to go to driving school. I mechanic can't teach you to drive and a driving school can't repair your car, even though they may both specialize in automotive services. Therapy can be similar.

Infidelity isn't a mental disease, rather, it is a failure of character. You can't "fix" infidelity, that would be like asking the mechanic to fix your driving. In order to become a better driver, you need to learn a number of skills, among them, confidence, patience, how to monitor the road for danger, how to react in a skid, and so on. In order to be a better partner, you need to learn self-respect, grace, integrity, honesty, how to manage conflicts, how to face failure and temptation, etc.

My point being, an IC can't exactly "treat you" for infidelity because it doesn't work that way.

What an IC CAN help you with is working through your "why's" and how your character flaws came about, and most importantly, how to go about making changes in your life to be someone better, someone you can be proud of, someone who would never debase themselves in such a way.

For me, I found that IC's who with AMDR often were helpful to me in terms of going back to childhood and sussing out some important parts of my life that left me in the broken shape I was in. Once I learned why I felt/acted the way I did, I was able to take steps to counter those broken ideas and messages, and replace them with healthier ones. As backwards as it may sound, this is about fixing YOU, not your marriage. However, fixing you is a prerequisite to fixing your marraige! Going back to the car example, you may be ready to learn to drive, but if the car isn't running, you aren't going to get very far, so you have to fix the car first. In the same way, the WS has to fix themselves first, THEN they will have the skills they need to R (or D).

I would search for IC's who understand trauma and childhood issues. (If that's your story). If sex addiction is an issue, you may want to head in that direction. Either way, it takes time and effort to find a good IC. I went through about 1/2 dozen before I found on that I clicked with, but when I did, it made all the difference in the world.

Best of luck to you.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8831858
Topic is Sleeping.
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