Oh LemonPie, you're so abused that you can't see it clearly. As someone who's been abused in many ways (and dealt out her own share of it too), I'm putting a list of quotes from your posts and categorizing them by the types of abuse your WH displays. It breaks my heart to hear you gaslight yourself into thinking any of his ill treatment has anything to do with you.
Emotional
-comes out as angry outbursts and I think my husband has often used these against me
-he can be really blunt and mean in what he says
-we spend a lot of money on alcohol a month, which he said he needed to put up with me (his drinking is not YOUR problem!)
-My husband has a tendency to lash out verbally
-he was trying to say yesterday that I was completely to blame, that I act like a child and that I am damaging the kids
-He got angry and said I was always going out recently neglecting my chores and being selfish which wasn’t even true etc. (You aren't neglectful- you're managing a lot and make normal mistakes)
Mental
-He said this in an angry tone in front of my son which stressed him out (in front of the kids??)
-When the kids were in the room my husband was saying that I had a great life and most women would kill to have a high earning husband, not have to work full time (like saying for you to shut up and let him be a jerk to you)
-respond to them and the bring up the affair. He says get over it or leave (is this what a loving husband says??? Love is patient, love is kind... even if you're not religious, it's a good objective description of how YOU deserve to be loved.)
-My husband will also often blame both of us for the children and their emotional reactions. Yes we have had big arguments and I haven’t always regulated myself
Financial
-He would love if I gave up my job
-I often hear how he has to ‘subsidise me’
-We are in debt but he won’t tell me how much
-he makes a lot of financial decisions without consulting me or telling me after the fact
-we spend a lot of money on alcohol a month (money that should be going to the family's welfare)
Physical
-Before the A he would often tell me we were broke which would make me really worry and live so frugally (in second hand clothes) ... as he was telling me we had no money for some basic house things (MATERIAL DEPRIVATION/WANT)
-told me, that I didn’t need access to a car and we should get rid of it and just rely on one car which would be his (how the hell is any public transit really safe these days for women and their small children?? What about a medical emergency for the kids? Endangerment.)
Narcissistic behaviors are also highly present in your WH. I've again listed quotes that indicate narcissistic behaviors below by category:
Love-bombing
-And other times he is really generous and spends loads on me and the kids. (winning you back with his money, honey)
-He spent money on the Ap taking her out to meals etc (impressing her with his cash)
-my husband did give me the money and deep down I knew he didn’t mean what he says and he is stressed being the breadwinner (here comes the shut up money- look, $$, fixes everything! As long as he pays your car to be fixed, he is entitled to his poor treatment of you)
Gaslighting
-I often hear how he has to ‘subsidise me’ (Lemonpie, he's your HUSBAND- it's his job to treat you as "flesh of my flesh" and "bone of my bone"- to care for you like he would his own body. Care for you is not a subsidy, but rather part of the job description of married persons)
-We are in debt but he won’t tell me how much (Withholding information that you need to make clear decisions on your life)
-we spend a lot of money on alcohol a month, which he said he needed to put up with me (you're responsible for his decisions/addictions)
-My husband has a tendency to lash out verbally but I have recently learnt he doesn’t always mean what he says (he is responsible for his mouth- does he lash out verbally to business partners/ people he needs to impress?)
-husband was saying that I had a great life and most women would kill to have a high earning husband, not have to work full time (he's telling you how YOU are ALLOWED to feel)
-he was trying to say yesterday that I was completely to blame, that I act like a child and that I am damaging the kids (oh, yes, it is ALLLLLL your fault! Really?? No one is a perfect parent and you are NOT acting like a child- you are reacting to his abuse!)
-When the truth came out that he was staying with her he said it was because I turned everyone against him and he had no where else to go (You told the truth, how people felt towards him was THEIR choice and NOT your fault).
-He got angry and said I was always going out recently neglecting my chores and being selfish which wasn’t even true etc. (you're not selfish- it's normal to visit friends who support you.)
-he also shifts a lot of blame onto me saying I am not very good at regulating myself I know my difficulties with attention can also be difficult (HOW can you regulate yourself around such an unpredictable, angry, abusive person??)
DARVO (defense, attack, reverse victim and offender)
-he is so full of shame he lashes out at me (reverse and attack)
-him feeling sorry for himself (reversing the victim and offender- he's only a victim of his own decisions)
-he feels it is my fault he has had to move (reverse victim and offender- he could have divorced you instead of moving jobs)
-He will often say to me no one loves me [referring to himself??], and has sometimes blamed me sometimes (reverse victim and offender)
-My husband will also often blame both of us for the children and their emotional reactions. Yes we have had big arguments and I haven’t always regulated myself but he never says I have caused them damage it is always we. (defense)
-When the truth came out that he was staying with her he said it was because I turned everyone against him and he had no where else to go (reverse victim and offender, attacking you)
Grandiosity
-he makes a lot of financial decisions without consulting me or telling me after the fact (disrespect to you- he's so much better than you at financial decisions that you don't deserve to be consulted)
-then splash cash when people came over which would get me angry and confused. He spent money on the Ap taking her out to meals etc (look at me, the fancy host, the exciting affluent lover!)
-my husband was saying that I had a great life and most women would kill to have a high earning husband, not have to work full time (Yes, he's such a prize!! You ungrateful wench!!)
Isolation of victim
-He would love if I gave up my job (isolating you from outside help in co-workers)
-told me, that I didn’t need access to a car and we should get rid of it and just rely on one car which would be his (how the hell are you to parent your kids and earn your money without a car with poor public transit??)