SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel so lost and alone. I can't confide in family or friends as I know they will judge us and if we do want to try and fix our marriage, that would only hinder it. Sorry for long post, I just need to get it off my chest and my mind.

DD March 24th 2024

We had just come back off holiday, my husband had said his phone wasn't charging, I had no reason to not believe him as it had been temperamental for a while. As usual he went to play pool, or so I thought, until he walked back in 4 hours later looking like someone had died. He told me to sit down, then admitted to a 3 Yr affair with an ex work colleague. He hadn't told her we were going away as previously she had threatened to tell me and our son, if she knew we were doing things together. She had stalked the house whilst we were away and was waiting just outside the house on DD. He got in the car with her and after what he said was a slanging match, she told him to leave me, and to turn up at her house at 8.00pm to prove it with his case. Instead he came home and told me the truth. I felt physically sick to the stomach, we have been married 25 years and apart from a few lows we had what I thought been happily married all those years. The last 2 years he had been suffering with stomach problems, being sick, losing weight and dreaming of drowning. I was worried he was seriously ill, he had test after test at the hospital but they all came back clear. He says it was the stress of the affair. It started off as office banter, then got flirty, then led to meeting in a hotel for sex. He said it was awkward but the same time exciting and it boosted his ego, she was younger, they had office sex, then she left and they met monthly in hotels during his lunch break. There were no meals out, gifts, or romantic weekends away, he said it was purely sex. He said he always felt guilt after, this I find hard to believe as he went back for more. He said he wanted to end it as it was tearing him apart but she would threaten to tell us. He didn't want that to happen. He promised her he would leave me, he said to keep her sweet! On holiday she turned up at our house and spoke to our Son, she made a bull shit story up saying she needed to get in touch with another work colleague and thought my husband would have their number. My son phoned us on holiday to tell us. It never once crossed my mind what the truth would actually be. She had turned up to see where he was and my son had said we were away.
After reeling from the shock I said, are you leaving me for her?. He said no. I feel such a mug for letting him stay as its everything I said I'd never do, but I do love him and I believe he loves me. I've seen what it's physically done to him.
I asked to see his phone, when I turned it on there were lots of nasty, threatening message's, pictures of our house. Not the romantic, declaration of love I was expecting. I then messaged her saying it was me, and he'd told me the truth. She said she was coming to the house so i phoned her. I put it on loud speaker and told her he'd admitted everything, she asked him what he wanted and he said me. I then told her not to contact us again. The next day she phoned my husband off a private number saying she didn't believe it was me and was going to Instagram message me, which she did. Again I phoned her and said I had nothing to say. She then admitted she hadn't believed it was me, didn't think my husband would have it in him to confess. She said he had always told her he loved me and that he had never bad mouthed me. I said he'd told me he'd tried to break away many times but her threats made it hard. She admitted she had threatened him. She asked if I was going to tell her partner, I said no. I didn't want to be responsible for making someone feel like I do at the moment. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.

I've agreed to give it 6 months. My husband has said he will do whatever it takes to make it work but agrees it is my decision. He's making a big effort, planning weekends away, date nights, buying flowers, being more affectionate, holding me when I break down in tears, answering my questions over and over again. I can't get images of them being intimate together out my mind, especially when I'm lying in bed. We have kissed since, and there is still love and a spark, despite what he's done. I can see the pain in his eyes and his remorse, but I'm worried this isn't going to be enough. I'm so messed up, one minute I want to try again and the next I hate him so much I want him to go. Thanks for reading this

Wow she went full bunny boiler on you. Everyone will tell you to expose the affair to her partner but if think carefully about that in this case because she has already been threatening.

Your husband betrayed you for 3 years. He got sick and had bad dreams? Poor little lamb. You should read a lot on this forum before you commit to reconciling.

Great user ID. Very appropriate when you feel like you've struck an iceberg and are sinking. Welcome to SI and I'm very sorry that you had a reason to find us. Infidelity pain is the worst. It causes trauma, and it takes time and work to process through it.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, there are some posts with a bull's eye icon that are good for newbies, too. The Healing Library has a lot of great information. Not only does it include the list of acronyms we use, but also has a thread called Mind Movies with some tips on how to get the images out of your head. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for people affected by LTAs (long-term affairs).

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist will be helpful. Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC, too. He needs to dig into his whys and work on becoming a safe partner. Buying you flowers and doing date nights isn't going to fix why he made the decision to cheat. He didn't make a big mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab milk when you're at the store. He made conscious decisions over YEARS to be unfaithful. He has a lot of work to do to fix him.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some silent, nasty diseases out there. If you're having problems with depression, anxiety or sleep, see your doctor for some meds. They can help you short term, and you may not need them forever.

Practice self-care and take care of you. If he can figure out how to have an A for this long, he can figure out how to take care of himself for awhile.

There's a book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald that is about 100 pages. Your WH should get it and read it. The book is very helpful in showing what can be helpful for you. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a good read, too.

Sorry that you're here.

Unlike the Titanic you have help all around you...

The OW threats need to be taken seriously.
Preferably with your husband, but on your own if required, consult with an attorney about a restraining order or a cease-and-desist order. You could start with a very direct No Contact letter that your husband should send, but if he’s in any way reluctant to do so then YOU get that legal document to protect your family.
This woman sound batshit crazy – the type that loosens the nuts off your car-tyre type crazy...

The NC letter should be very impersonal and brief:
OW – I request that you no longer in any way or form contact me or anyone in my family, nor be around my home or my possessions. Any breach of this request will be reported and shared with my wife, and can lead to legal action. I will show you the same respect and refrain from initating any contact whatsoever with you.

Thank you.

She hasn't been in touch since the day after DD. We have both blocked her number on all platforms. I must admit I am looking over my shoulder 24/7.

You have a stalker. She showed up at your home. She spoke to your child.

She's not going to just vanish. She's laying low for now.

I have a stalker ow. It's been 15 years. She still won't go away. She targets me.

You need to take serious measures. Have your attorney send her an official NC letter. Tell her husband. He deserves to know.

Other than love bombing,what is your husband doing to become a safe partner?

I am really sorry you are having to join this group you didn’t ask to be a part of (infidelity).

You mention spark. I did not have a good outcome from what is referred to here as hysterical bonding. In retrospect, I would have trusted my gut and protected myself from my spouse who had lied to me repeatedly and risked my sexual health by opening up our marriage without my consent or knowledge.
No sexual bonding experience would have been worth the risk I unknowingly took. Also in my state ex wh had sex with me cold bloodly to attempt negate the legal consequences of adultery to D.
Everyone’s experiences are different but 3 years is a long time to lie to your wife and risk their health, safety and mental health. That sort of thing does not go away in an instant.

Your thoughts and feelings are pretty much normal. The ow looks to be more dangerous than the vast majority. Here's hoping that she knows when she has lost her war.

I'm very sorry you feel like the Titanic. Being betrayed is a trauma, so expect a roller coaster and a lot of emotional pain. You won't always feel this way, though. You really can heal, survive, and thrive. My reco is to focus on processing the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body. A good IC can help. As you process the feelings, I expect you'll be able to see your H as he is. Right now, it looks like he may be 'love-bombing' you in the hope of distracting you from the fact that he betrayed you.

Another reco: start with figuring out what you want. Maybe you want R, maybe D. What matters is know what you want, even if it's unattainable.

Think about your requirements for R. How will you know your WS is committed to changing themself from cheater to good partner? Ask for those behaviors - he can fake it for a while, but it won't last. IMO, honesty - no more lies about anything - is the basic commitment you need to make to each other. Others include

NC - No Contact with ow; if ow approaches your WS, your WS walks away/hangs up phone/ etc. and tells you about the attempt; if the attempt is by email, your WS tells you, and together you decide how to respond (usually ignoring the attempt is the best approach, but a cease and desist letter may be best in your case).

IC for WS - a good IC can often (usually?) help the WS change from cheater to good partner.

MC when you're ready - but remember that MC treats the M, and the M didn't fail. The WS did, and IC treats the individual

I spend way too much time looking on the net watching people behaving badly. They get kicked off planes, kick cops, show racism and they are all around us. You husband happened to flirt with one and nearly ruined his health. Be careful what you wish for is so true. A little excitement turned into torture. I happen to believe him. He got his jollies but nearly paid the price.

Whether you R with him is up to you but I think he has already paid the price for this.

She sounds scary. Does your h know much about her h? Unless he is dangerous he needs to know.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you get some IC to help you through this. In the meantime eat healthy, get sleep and if you need to have something to help with anxiety ask your dr while you are getting tested.

Ask him how long into the “affair” until she started with wanting more. It sounds like the threats escalated until he started falling apart.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:56 PM, Tuesday, April 9th]

Other than love bombing,what is your husband doing to become a safe partner?

How niave am I? I didn't see it as love bombing, only making an effort. This forum opens my eyes, so thank you.

He has put tracker on phone, given me access to his phone and social media accounts. If his phone rings or pings, he shows me who it is. He's blocked her number and promised if she gets in touch to tell me straight away, no secrets. This one I believe as he messaged me straight away with screenshots and details the day she contacted him after DD. When i spoke to her the conversation they had matched up. He's ordered the books that have been recommended. He's booked into IC.

Have you insisted or suggested your husband seek IC for guidance on his behavior and thoughts for the last years?
Only a psychopath can think he can have an affair without having doubts about it. Your husband doesn’t sound that way based on what you share. He allegedly tried to end it, tried to get away, felt guilty and all that. All typical and probably true statements. Yet he didn’t...
This is quite common, and we probably recognize some comparable actions. Like we wake up with the hangover from hell and promise ourselves never to drink again. Might even go out with friends next weekend and only have soda. Then a week later, only a Chablis... then a cocktail and all of a sudden we are downing shots and dancing on the tables.

I think (and this isn’t an original thought) that infidelity is 99% due to a need for validation. We all need validation and most of us get it from healthy sources. Like the sense of achievement when we are admired for our new car, praised for our nice home, thanked by a customer, given a raise by our boss, liked by our friends... I think infidelity is your husbands desperate method of getting validation.
Its not YOUR task to validate him (although we do so as spouses) but HIS task to understand his insecurities and find his ways to feel validated.

IF your husband is a decent man who took a trip along the wrong path (and I’m not in any way making little of that trip...) then his ego, self-worth, validation... is SHOT. It’s completely wrecked.
A good IC can help him deal with that, and help him accept his accountability and help him understand where he should get is validation.

Have you insisted or suggested your husband seek IC for guidance on his behavior and thoughts for the last years?

He suggested we both go. I can't face it at the moment but he has booked himself in for IC.

He has put tracker on phone, given me access to his phone and social media accounts. If his phone rings or pings, he shows me who it is. He's blocked her number

While this isn't bad..it's a false security. Burner phones are available at every corner gas station. And,he can easily leave his phone at work,and have calls forwarded to his burner.

Being more present,and loving, are things all decent spouses do. It doesn't make them a safe partner.

You need to make requirements for attempting reconciliation. At minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. And zero blame.

Total NC.

He is honest about all things, all the time.

He writes a full timeline. And you schedule a polygraph to make sure you are attempting reconciliation on a foundation of truth.

He is accountable for his time away from you.

He drops all friends who knew of the affair.

IC.

Std tests.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused, himself, and the marriage.

He is proactive in removing triggers.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your job right now..don't work on the marriage. Work on yourself. Take care of you,and the kids. Eat, sleep. Watch his actions. Forget his words. Cheaters are liars. Nothing he says means anything. Whether he is R material, will be shown in his actions. Std testing. And tell her husband. Don't tell your husband. He will warn her. Also, he's supposed to be NC. If he says anything about it,you know he's talking to her.

Do not tell him about this site. This is yours are place. Many new bs make the mistake of bringing their ws here. It's typically a disaster. They hope they will be the exception. They rarely are.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:14 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

The general consensus here on SI is that MC (marriage counseling) early-on isn’t recommended.

Your marriage didn’t cheat. Nothing you did made him have the affair. He cheated despite you – not because of you. So YOU TWO won’t fix his reasons for having cheated. That’s why we tend to recommend IC for HIM before you two go to MC.
Then you need to understand MC... It’s not really about healing from the infidelity. His conscious decision to cheat and to be in infidelity all these years are 100% on HIM. The MC isn’t an arbitrator who decides that maybe 12% was your fault because had you been kinder, made better lasagna or whatever then he would have been less inclined to feel forced to have an affair.

What a good MC does is help you two communicate. Helps you talk about the issues without resorting to screaming, intentionally causing pain and not listening.

S

The last 2 years he had been suffering with stomach problems, being sick, losing weight and dreaming of drowning. I was worried he was seriously ill, he had test after test at the hospital but they all came back clear. He says it was the stress of the affair.

I am so sorry you are here.

These people are the typical home wreckers and I am sorry the first one to be informed was your son: how nasty!!

However, do not forget your husband cheated and deceived you for THREE YEARS.

It is very unlikely that a relationship keeps existing for so long without a project, without saying "I love you".

Do not believe 100% all the bullsh** your husband says.

Btw I do agree your husband’s ailments were surely due to the stress of his double life but this did not hinder him from meeting her, kissing her and going to bed with her.

Guilt was there but did not stop him.

Titanic,

So sorry you are here, but you will continue to find great support on this site.

You're likely still in the shock and reeling phase.

It can take a while (months even) to come to grips with the fact that a person you trusted wholeheartedly was fully capable of making thousands of conscious decisions to betray your trust. It takes a while to fully come to grips that it REALLY happened and that there is no going back and erasing it. For 3 years he was living a completely different life than you were aware of and he was choosing that.

Then it takes more time to decide if you can truly accept that this all happened and that you are in a relationship with someone capable of this level and length of betrayal.

So, do find a solid support system among friends, family, and IC for yourself.

This other woman was so committed to blowing up your marriage (and HERS) that she came to your house...that she.made threats...that she INSISTED on confirming that you knew.

Return the favor. Tell her husband. He deserves to know the truth. It doesn't matter that you told her you wouldn't. She deserves no loyalty from you and you need her to worry more about her own marriage than yours. Right now, she's still free to obsess about how to reinsert herself into your marriage. Give her a wake up call.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:35 PM, Thursday, April 11th]