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I've have been with my husband for 30 years this year, we have 1 daughter who is 22 and at Uni.Husband has worked offshore internationally all that time 1 month on 1 month at home, we had a happy marriage enjoying holidays etc .I always felt loved, then he got a job in Vietnam when covid hit and he told me he had to stay over there for 6 months, that was March 2021.since then he has only come home every 8 months for 3 weeks,.It has been the hardest time been on my own sorting everything, sorting daughters 21st, moving her to Uni, all big milestones in her life, I've been so lonely missing my husband to the point where in the end I just went into autopilot trying to block out my emotions.hardly any communication (bad Internet, power cuts, blown up chargers radio silence on rig ) All excuses, I know now.if I mentioned anything to him, he would get defensive and say he's working to put money in bank for uni, retirement etc.when he had come home, he was different, distant, no loving gestures, normal husband and wife intimacy when I asked he just said he is shattered.Fast forward to 4th April 2024, I was just getting ready for work and received a phonecall from WH, so I said hiya how are you doing, he said he was in hospital, he had had surgery as he had injured his hand on the rig.so shocked I said are you OK what happened he replied ill ring you in couple of days.Thats all I got nothing more and had to go to work worried sick.i messaged continually hearing nothing only a whatsapp from a doctor,it read, hello I have got you as an emergency contact on WH phone............. that was it, tried messenger back....nothing.Saturday night 10.30 uk time, WH rang and said he had lost the plot and tried to kill himself taking a knife and severing his wrist and tendons and that the doctors had to accompany him back to uk.I thought oh my god what has gone on, he must have had a breakdown as he has such a stressful job, obviously just was pleased he was coming home, the last time was 10 months ago, just wanted him in my arms.so met him at airport as he was exhausted I just let him rest till ww got home, gave him a bath as arm bandaged up, helping him put pyjamas on, then he blurted out I'm sorry I've been having an affair for 3 years with a vietnamese woman.3 years?????????Omg what was supposed to do with that, rage hate answers.He just kept saying he was so sorry, is he having a laugh????That wasn't the worst of it, I knew he had a vietnamese phone he uses over there pay as go one, so I took it and asked for his password didn't know at the time but it was her d.o b, and I read the messages between them, I had to know..... he met her in the November 2021 7 months after being there, they have been living in luxury apartment together like husband and wife, they messaged constantly sex talk, how much he loves her, how much his heart aches for her, and the worse thing was that july 2021 4 months after he went out there, he could have been coming home as normal every other month!!!!!Instead every time he got off the rig they were going on holidays to Thailand, Kuala lumpa, luxury hotels, luxury cruises, staying in ambassador suites, spending all our money.they had a joint account spending £7000 gbp a month, found messages saying we will put 5000 in our account for apartment and 2000 for spending, I feel sick just typing this.he asked her what ring size is she, he will buy her a diamond ring, he asked her to marry him in June 2022 and again the day before he cut his wrist. now are you ready for this?He told her I had cancer in 2022, and I had a month to live.This all happened 4 days ago I can't make sense, I've stopped functioning nothing but raging pain.he said he tried killing himself out of guilt.coz he had been living a lie, no shit!Imagine if he had died, and I had flown out there, then found out all this, I can't make sense of anything I really can't, I took photos and evidence of all the messages and keep torturing myself reading 3 years of intimacy between my husband who I thought loved me and this woman 10 years his junior (40).I keep thinking about all the excuses all the lies, I'm trying not to swear, he has eventually gone to a hotel yesterday.how cruel to find out all this and him still in the same house.so that's where I am at, my daughter is having to try and deal with this too, she's doing her final exams or trying, she is crushed, can't believe he would tell us now, she's only got 6 weeks left, she's trying to get an extension on her exams and had to sent the doctors letter with the details on, it's all a nightmare it really is.so she's not been home to see him thank god! Sorry for any spelling mistakes as I am not processing anything.theres more, details but I've had enough now!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:59 PM, Thursday, April 18th]

Sorry you going through this hell. First things first, change your location to be less precise and change any names. It sounds like your husband has hit a wall of shame over his behaviour. It’s not your job to nurse him because of his terrible behaviour.

I think you should find out what divorce looks like for you with a lawyer. It’s likely he will love bomb you into forgiving him. You don’t have to! Read a lot in this forum if you decide to reconcile and what he has to do to be a safe partner. No contact with the woman he had an affair with is the first step and should be non negotiable.

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library and the pinned threads in this forum. You have had your world blown up and suffered a real trauma. Do find IC resources trained in betrayal trauma. It’s important to take care of your health, eat healthy, exercise, and do get tested for STD’s. Do see an attorney to learn your rights. Take time to process your grief. Your WH has used his remote job location to live a separate life. He has spent huge amounts on his AP that should have been used to support your family. Do investigate getting reimbursement of these funds. Do talk to your daughter about getting counseling for her trauma as well. Take care of you. You are a faithful partner despite your long separations. Do not be surprised if further investigation reveals other infidelities on earlier separations. Take care. Keep posting.

I am so sorry he has broken your trust and your heart.

I don’t know if you can get money for the family money he spent on her. Please lawyer up asap.
You might need the dr to give you a prescription for anxiety med.

She is probably the last in a long line of women.

Ropehead

I took the liberty of editing your post to remove the name you gave to one party in your story and replaced it with WH – our acronym for wayward husband.
Doing this to help you preserve something that tends to be seen as important – your anonymity.
I suggest you edit your profile accordingly, as well as you location if it refers to a smaller community.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're hurting. Of course there are more details. It's very rare that the WS (wayward spouse) tells the truth the first time. Right now, watch actions and don't listen to the words.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has some great resources and it's where the list of acronyms we use is kept. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for spouses whose WS was in a long-term affair (LTA).

You and your DD (darling daughter) may find it helpful to have IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC to dig into his whys and to learn to be a safe partner.

Focus on caring for yourself and your daughter. The shock can make your mind and feelings be numb.