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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:35 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Is it possible for him to live with his mother for a while, but come to the house to visit with the children?

I don't have any solid advice but I do think paying attention to how you feel in your body is important. I am struggling so much with these feelings as well. It's been almost 9 months since DD and I can't bring myself to kiss my WH. I tried 2x, just a peck, and the mind movies/feeling was awful. I burst into tears the first time and felt nothing the 2nd time, is that progress? I don't know. In my case, the physical affair was kissing only, so I've attributed the mind movie scene to that. Sometimes I think no matter how far it went, that would likely be the mind movie my brain would replay on a loop.

We lived apart for 6 weeks and I also felt such a sense of calm. With him back I started to feel suffocated as well, also comforted because he is a huge help around the house. I had to lay down some strict boundaries for safety. He wants to do all the things I have been asking of him for years (dates, being complimented, pursued). Now that he finally wants to do all those things I don't want it. It's so frustrating.

Last night I read some poems on grief and I was overcome with such sadness at the thought of ending the relationship it was unbearable. I just don't know. I am so sorry you are going through any of these because it's agonizing.

Is he in IC (individual counseling) to work on his whys? His ONS isn't a marriage issue - it's a him issue. He needs to work on that and his actions should show that he's doing the work to be a safe partner. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald should be one of the books he reads.

Are you in IC to help you heal with the trauma? Think of it this way - if he had beat you so badly that you had to spend time in hospital, how would you feel when going home and he was there? Your brain doesn't differentiate between the types of trauma, so it's probably sending you signals that you aren't safe. It sounds like he isn't contributing to help you feel safe.

Is there a way that he can stay with his mom and come to the house for visitation while you go somewhere for a few hours to still have NC? You could go window shopping, watch a film, go to the library, go meet with some girlfriends somewhere.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:35 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I just want to say that you haven’t actually reconciled. You have a long way to go on that path.

You title this thread 'Reconciled ...'. Gently, R takes 2-5 years. Maybe you can do it a little faster, but it takes a lot more than a month and a half.

In order to R, your partner MUST change from cheater to good partner, and that takes a lot more than bouncing to parents house and them coming back. In order to R, you'll need to process all the thoughts and feelings that are running endlessly through your head.

You really can survive and thrive, but it takes some work. I urge you to read here to find out more about the work.

I felt like the relationship was making me ill and taking up so much of my headspace that I couldn’t concentrate on anything in my life and that I’d felt like that before he cheated anyway.

Gently, that's normal. That's some of what I mean by the 'thoughts and feelings'.