SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just realized that the AP are just so so effed up in the head.

Why do they work so hard to keep the WS’s marriage in tact?

They lie, keep quiet, avoid, deceive, hide, for what???
So that the WS can keep up the facade and trick the BS.

By lying and keeping the secret they are in fact preserving the marriage. Why do they do this?

Why do they believe that they are wanted and special when their ever move is calculated to preserve the discovery and prevent hurting the BS and everyone but them.

That’s why the OW/AP is so dangerous. They are so gullible and not smart enough and are willing to be the best #2.

There are a few answers that come to mind:

For some, I think they believe if the spouse finds out then it will be hard to keep conducting the affair. Not all AP’s want to actually get the person that they are having an affair with.

A variance of this would be they don’t feel they have secured the person enough. I think the AP’s who actually do want to steal your spouse want it to be up to thier Ap. They want the ap to leave in their own accord.

Personally, I didn’t really think about it beyond the idea that if she found out she might tell my husband or work or both.

I wonder about this too. On the one hand when she heard my WH catering to me and reassuring me over the phone when I would be pressuring him to get out of the office ASAP at the end of the day she could have felt powerful because I didn’t really know what had happened between them. But on the other hand his willingness to be so attentive to me in front of her must have been demeaning. Like didn’t she feel even more trashy that he didn’t even care if she was offended. He would call me and send pictures and order me flowers with no regard for her feelings. If the WS is soooo determined not to get caught they are obviously not getting sufficiently caught up in the "romance" of the cheating.

I would think as an AP you would want to see your cheating partner taking risks and putting their marriage on hold while you are in your little fantasy bubble. In general APs (my husband included) seem lacking in self respect but when they involve themselves with someone who is doing everything possible to keep the cheating a secret it must make you feel even more like garbage. People only keep things they are ashamed of a secret.

Yes this is me being catty and a little petty. I guess venting. I just sometimes can’t believe the depths my husband’s AP sank to. I would have to text this woman-his assistant- requests to block his calendar for parent teacher conferences and elementary school graduations and stuff. And she would be all nicey nice happy to help, while going behind my back and hitting on my husband. makes me want to vomit. When I later overheard their private conversations I realized what true snakes some people can be. My husband was horrible to go along with it but I heard and saw how hard she was pushing it. such a lowlife. I always thought most people were pretty good at heart. I still can’t believe some people are that cruel…especially being willing to hurt young children.

I think the reasons vary according to the type of A, and I don't think that all APs stay quiet because they're gullible or stupid. Some are sly as a fox.

My H's AP was a partner poacher. H told her upfront that he wanted a NSA sex-only A, and she agreed. She got her foot in the door, and then she needed time to work on him in hopes that he would catch feelings. Exposing the A was not in her best interest.

When he did catch feelings, the next phase was subtly and slowly applying pressure on him to leave me for her. Had she exposed the A in hopes that it would blow up the marriage and speed up the process, H would have been furious with her. Again, not in her best interest to tell me.

Like hikingout said, I'm sure she wanted him to blow up his marriage for her. Which he did. (She then jumped the shark by acting like a labradoodle on crack, jumping around him, excited and happy, while he was in crisis mode.)

I think we can safely say that no one who has an A is emotionally healthy. And everyone who's in an A is doing it because they're getting something out of it. Keeping silent keeps the supply flowing.

labradoodle on crack LOL

I try not to let the OW take up too much of my headspace, because it was never actually about her or "them," but purely about what she offered my stupid H. From the small amount I know about her, she’s just a very pathetic and low person. She’s a wife and mother herself and decided to pursue my extremely insecure and clearly low intelligent H - like why pursue a man who you know has a wife and young children at home? Just because you have a shit life, doesn’t give you any right to blow up another family. She was so pathetic that she was willing to take whatever scrap she could get from my H. Like how is S’ing his sweaty/dirty (literally) D after a 10 hour labour intensive shift appealing - who are we trying to impress?! This bitch has the lowest sense of self worth I have ever seen.

i cannot speak on behalf of AP's. But I will explain what I knew about my husband's AP.

I met my husband's AP when he invited her over for supper at our house. He simply asked me if I would be ok to invite a lonely widow that he met at the gym. I said sure. i did not know for another 10 months that they were already having an affair.

It was a most bizarre meal...and I just shrugged it off. I did not like her as she basically ignored me the whole meal. Sigh, I was so blind.

During our reconciliation, I know from what my husband told me, if he was accurate, that she was afraid if I found out, he would drop her so she kept up being number 2.

So in my eyes, she was not pathetic, I would say she's one calculated and shrewd idiot. Knew what she wanted and she fully figured out what my husband wanted and then all she had to do was dish it out. She wanted my husband to leave me. Not for me to find out. She was patient. But my husband never left me. And so gradually she began encouraging him to leave me. My husband said that they were infatuated with one another. I believed him. You know, that honeymoon phase?

But on Dday obviously I found out. I kicked him out, he left me to go live with her. Of course, she welcomed him!

My husband was the instigator and she made the decision to continue with him secretly, after he told her he was married. At that time both of them selfish , functional alcoholics and idiots really, IMHO.

In affairs, I think that if one gets what they want , they will pursue that. I believe the AP was like that. But then so was my husband.

Today, I feel pity for the people they were at that time bent on creating a mess in the lives of others while their honeymoon phase faded into oblivion.

In time, I gave my husband another chance at us.

If I can express my opinion about my husband’s ex AP, I can say she is the typical POS, FB selfish woman, classic home wrecker, who wanted the story with happy ending and, seeing my husband wouldn’t give her what she wanted, she played dirty by sending him messages after the end of the affair during the evening, when she knew he was with me at home and I am sure she hoped the bomb would blow up and our family would be destroyed not because of my husband deciding to leave me for her, but she was certainly hoping I would ditch him, because that would have been her only chance to have him all to herself.

She is a miserable loser, incapable of having normal relationships. After my husband she even tried with a woman and it didn’t work either. I honestly think she is too ego centred to be able to be in a couple.

Many people who have seen her photos asked me if I am sure she is not transitioning into a man. I don’t know. I know she is weird and I am struggling to understand what my husband saw in her and what emotions she was able to trigger.

My Whs AP was pretty sly. She herself was married and wanted out. She carefully never spoke ill of me to him, she made sure to never even say my name. She understood the best way to get a shy quiet man like him was through low key flattery. He is a massive people pleaser so she wouldn't constantly ask her assistance and praise him. She sent him a few nude photos which he didn't respond to.

As this was happening, our relationship was deteriorating. I could tell something was wrong and he would shut down. He was guilty and conflict avoidant.

After 7 months, she began asking when he planned to leave me so she could leave her husband. He always responded (by text) that he wasn't going to.

What ended up happening were two mostly failed attempts at intercourse. Quite frankly, if the tables had been turned with what occurred, a woman could have easily pressed charges.

I'm the aftermath, she became very angry at my WH. She blamed him for ruining her life because she thought he would be with her. When her husband found out a year later, she became furious and made sure I found out not because I had the right to know, but because she wanted me to see her suffer because she had to.

When her husband found out a year later, she became furious and made sure I found out not because I had the right to know, but because she wanted me to see her suffer because she had to.

I am sure she wanted you to find out because she hoped you would kick him out, so she might have had a chance because she knows he would have never chosen her. FB!!

[This message edited by Fantastic at 5:11 PM, Tuesday, April 30th]