Yes! You completely ignore her! Unless the kids are around,in which you are polite.
No small talk. No engaging. No hanging out watching TV.
Treat her like an annoying roommate.
You are acting like you think she's going to suddenly become remorseful. She's not. She's letting you know,very clearly, that SHE'S NOT SORRY. She's mad you found out. She's mad you ruined her fun. The OM has probably pulled back, worried you will tell his wife. And your wife is mad at you for that.
The men who have the best chance of true reconciliation, set boundaries. Immediately. They refuse to tolerate one more minute of abuse. Stop this self imposed limbo. Tell her what you expect,and if she refuses, file. She's giving you nothing to work with. Nothing.
At minimum..
Full transparency, you get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.
She finds a new job.
She goes NC with om,and any friends who knew of the affair.
She gets ic to figure out why she cheated. It has nothing to do with you. She wasn't happy? She had options. She chose an affair. She felt entitled to step out,because she was mad a you for not doing what she told you. She thinks that's ok. She also thinks its ok to have sex with another woman's husband.
Std tests
She answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. And zero blame.
She is proactive in healing the damage she has caused you, herself, and the marriage.
She works on her boundaries.
No friends of the opposite sex, that you don't know.
She writes a complete timeline.
She understands this takes years to heal from.
Zero rugsweeping.
And anything else you need to begin to feel safe. These things above are the bare minimum needed to work on R.
If you really want to cut through her bullshit, hand her divorce papers. Either she will immediately pull her head out of her ass,or she won't. Either way, she will know you aren't her doormat anymore.
No marriage is perfect. You contributed to a less than perfect environment. You are responsible for your end of that. She is 100% responsible for her choice to have an affair.
Did she even admit it was her,in the room,with the OM? If not, you have really nothing to work with.