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We are almost 5 years out from the last DDay. It was messy and very ugly. I have never doubted my choice to reconcile, but it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
I posted a bit ago about struggling with catching him in some lies recently. Yesterday was his first appointment with his IC to work on why he chooses to lie when he gets put in a tough spot. He said it went really well and he told me about things they talked about.
Here's where I need some advice. I have been in a really bad place pretty much since I caught him lying almost a month ago. He is so remorseful and never questions my pain. A few nights ago I couldn't stop crying. I told him that what hurts the most is all the awful things he told her about me (which of course she showed me after he ended their 3 year long affair) and the fact that he was in love with her. He was very quiet and for the first time that I can remember, he didn't move to comfort me. I knew he was crying and then shortly after he was asleep. I was in bed all night weeping. The next day he made a move to kiss me and I backed away. He acted confused and I said I needed that comfort last night. He looked down and said last night he just couldn't. He said he hates himself for what he has done to me and to our family and sometimes it just becomes too much. It broke my heart.
After his appointment yesterday he said he talked with his therapist about it and they are going to work on how he feels about himself. My H doesn't have many friends, really just my brothers, who do not know about our what happened in our marriage, and me. His therapist told him that he can't keep his feelings locked up, as that was a contributing factor to the affair and he needs someone to talk to about his feelings. I am looking for advice on how to help him. I hate the fact that my pain causes him pain. I am very much a "fixer", but I can't fix this. I can't hide my pain to try to make him feel better about himself.

Short answer..you don't. This is HIS work. HE has to do it. Not you. He managed to have an affair without your help. He needs to do this.

He is capable of searching for resources. He can google. You found this site. He can find one as well.

He doesn't sound remorseful. He sounds regretful. Remorse is about you. He shows Remorse by helping you through your pain. A remorseful ws wouldn't go to sleep, while his bs lays weeping beside him. A remorseful ws also doesn't lie. He's sad. Sorry. Maybe ashamed. But none of that equals true remorse.

I can't remember what he lied about. But if it was because he got caught doing something he shouldn't, all the more reason to point to him not being remorseful.

It's ok that your pain hurts him. It's actually good that it does. Imagine if it didn't. Then he wouldn't be R material at all. He needs to learn how to handle your pain appropriately, for the both of you.

The worst thing you could do is stop sharing your feelings with him. That will lead to more pain for you,and resentment. And you expect full transparency from him...he deserves the same from you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:48 PM, Wednesday, May 8th]

You're right to express your feelings. You need to let him work through his feelings. He should feel bad about what he did to you and your family. His feelings are a consequence of his actions. He chose to have an A. He figured out how to hide a three year long A, he can figure out how to work on fixing the mess he made.

He also chose to lie to you. That's not the way to earn back trust. Don't let him off the hook because you feel bad for him. He can figure out how to make better choices if he wants to repair your marriage.

I just looked at your last post. It was a very intense 3 year affair. Lots if TT(lies), a few ddays.

Healing doesn't start until you have the entire truth. So you are actually less than 5 years from dday.

The lies were pretty big. One was huge. He was looking on the app he used to message her with. His excuse was ridiculous. It made zero sense. And you had to confront,he didn't confess.

You have every reason to not trust him right now. Any progress made in 5 years was obliterated.

If he doesn't want to lie..then he needs to stop lying. If he wants you to trust him, he needs to earn that. He purposely chose very deliberate actions that would cause you to not trust him. He thought he'd get away with it,so he tried. He got caught. If he wants you to not be in pain,he needs to stop choosing actions he knows will cause pain. He needs to develop integrity. Integrity is how you behave, even when you know you won't be caught.

He's not there.

I am very much a "fixer", but I can't fix this. I can't hide my pain to try to make him feel better about himself.

Please read that again and again, and really buy into it. You can't fix him. He has to take the initiative to do the work to fix himself or he's not a good candidate for R. And he has to be able to face the consequences of his actions with a brave heart and then step up and do the right thing. R is not for sissies. You can help him, though, by reassuring him that even when you're angry, you still want him as your husband. You wouldn't stick around if you didn't.

Don't hide your pain and don't prioritize his pain over yours. Tell him what you want and need from him. Instead of lying in bed crying all night because he didn't comfort you, tell him in the moment, "I'm hurt that you're lying there crying and not making any moves to comfort me. I would like to be held and told that you love me and that you're sorry that you hurt me." If he's already asleep when you realize you should have done this, wake him up and say it. Don't lie there like a martyr. (Been there, done that; got the t-shirt.) You're giving him clear direction about an opportunity to step up, you're making a move to draw him in which might help him feel safer being more open with you, and he might also get a feel-good boost from the cuddling and comforting. If you feel sad for him being in pain because he hurt you so badly, you can comfort him. Honestly, I did it because it's what I felt, but it also earned me big trust and admiration for being an emotional bad ass.

Transparency and authenticity are the cornerstones of R. If he "just can't" in the moment and needs space to just lie there in his hairshirt, he needs to learn to say that. And then he needs to learn to deal with the natural response to that. Or you can say something like, "Don't lie there punishing yourself. I would like it if we could move towards each other in our pain instead of away from each other."

Big hugs to you. I really hope that he steps up and realizes what a wonderful gift he has in having such an understanding and empathetic woman as his wife.

My thoughts are exactly the same as sacredsoul's.

R works, IMO, only if the new M serves both partners the way both partners want to serve and be served.

Thank you everyone, it always helps me to know that I am not crazy in how I am feeling. I really never imagined how difficult this journey would be. But I also never imagined that my H was capable of having an affair. All of your words really reinforce what I know I need to do.

As an UH I think its important to have male friendships. I didnt have any and at 2 years post final D-Day I'm starting to build some and thats been good. I need an emotional outlet beyond my wife because bottling it in doesn't help. and it cannot be the IC.

Maybe he could join a local group or virtual group of the Samson Society for connection with men who have been and are on this journey to health.

towards healing for you both.

Short answer..you don't. This is HIS work. HE has to do it. Not you. He managed to have an affair without your help. He needs to do this.

I agree with Hellfire. There are things you can hell him with but this is not the case. He made bad choices and he has to face the consequences and deal with his own pain. He has IC so he is not alone. He needs to grow up.

I hope not to sound horrible but the fact that he shows himself as in pain seems to me a manipulation.

The focus should not be HIS PAIN. His actions and choices caused YOU pain and he must own up to that, not shift the attention towards him "poor darling"!