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Just Found Out :
I'm not angry my wife was involved in emotional cheating with a younger colleague but more of how she treated me with disrespect

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Shivsuroor (original poster new member #84833) posted at 6:43 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Please excuse my language as I'm an Indian and English is not my first language and also my wife's chat which sounds like a kindergarten kid wrote it

So I had this porn addiction which she discovered right after marriage. This caused a huge issue in my sex life as i was unable to satisfy her well.

She too lost interest in having sex with me and we tried to improve our marriage .

I told her how my childhood trauma due to abusive parents and bullying led to this, she started using this as a weapon .

She would treat me badly and whenever we had a fight she would pull this as a way to keep me quiet .

I was abused by my parents to an extent where I lost all my self confidence and lived alone with no friends so I just continued.

She would constantly check my mobile because she was afraid that i might revert back to addiction and she would read all my personal messages and even read the teams messages of my colleagues.

The one thing that really bothers me is that she would never show any interest if i suggest to do something but she would be ready if her family tells her .

The one thing that kept me alive during the abusive period of my parents were those story books and i always wanted to travel and exploring and eat new food.

But for her, weekends or vacation means going to her family and she will drag me along .

But she also forced me not to go anywhere. My colleagues invited me for a drink after work but she threw a big fit that she is struggling to raise my child but I'm enjoying.

I had to cancel an office getaway because she threw a huge fight over it , she even fought when I had to go to Chennai for a business trip but I had no chance of canceling.

Yes I turned to pornography, but I also had some other hobbies that kept me sane like watching EPL, reading books, trying new restaurants etc but she slowly but surely made me stop all these .

Now she has new friends and then only I understood something important .she wasn't close to her family but she just wants to enjoy with anyone who is not me .

Even going to the mall, she would complain she was tired etc but she went on a 3 day trek with her friends where she walked around 20 km.

Also she has this whole " feminist vibe" or something, if i tell her to do some household chores which is beyond what our maid or cook does, she sarcastically replies why she should do , why am I pushing it to her just because she is woman etc.

I just want to divorce but I'm afraid of my life post divorce and about my 2 children aged 7 and 3 .I don't want them to grow up in a broken house and also I'm not sure if she might end up showing the anger towards me to my kids.

I always contemplate suicide because I'm alone , friendless, unhappy family , bad in careers etc but I din’t know when I might .

Then I noticed something, she was very protective of her mobile . She would take it even to bathroom also while bathing . So one day i tried to open and i found that she had changed the passcode of the mobile without informing me.

.Post the birth of second child, she slimmed down and started wearing modern clothes. I’ve seen her pubic hair trimmer in bathroom many times even though we hardly have sex in the last one year

She had gone out with her friends ( both male and female) twice . First she went for a marriage but stayed in a resort a day before. The second time it was a company sponsored trek. I’m now thinking if she had cheated on me during those times. She didn't mention the word resort the first time and just told about the wedding . Second time she just mentioned company sponsored getaway for 3 days. But didn't tell they will be trekking and staying in tents at night. Now I'm confused if my wife cheated on me because she didn't completely divulged the information

I thought to use breaking into her mobile uldn't control myself so I tried to access her phone while sleeping but she woke up and shouted for frightening her.

I asked her to open the phone immediately and she gave after hesitation .i sent to insta and she had chatted with a guy but she said he approached her and after he started using words like dear she stopped responding.

I apologize and went to sleep. The next day she went to the office and i thought there was something wrong so when she came back I asked her to show me her mobile once more. She refused but I said I won't budge until she gives .

I saw that one boy was always next to her in all the photos so I checked his chats and i found everything I needed.

9

I confronted my wife with those whatsapp chats. It led to a huge fight where she was telling the following things to defend me and that colleague.-

He is young and she felt him like some kind of puppy love exhibited by a high school student towards his school teacher

He has gfs and roams with multiple people so she doesnt think he was serious when he was flirting and giving compliments

She always stopped him when he tried to go overboard

They chat at the frequency of once a week not more.

Most importantly, if she had feelings for him. their chats would have a different turn and she might have ended up in physical.

She had also chatted about an fling she had before our marriage and how she met him once after our marriage got fixed, gave him a final hug and left. She had never told me in 10 years of marriage

For 2 hrs she defended this guy over me and i attempted suicide. So the next day her sister came to mediate . I told the following

Whenever he steps over the compliments, why is she not stern in warning him but giving simple statements like ""u r young"," im married " etc-

Do the words he used constitute sexual harassment in the corporate culture?

Why has she discussed things with him about certain college crushes she never discussed with me?

Why she has never explicitly denied whenever he gave her options to hang out

Cheating happens step by step and she is currently in the 20th of the 100 steps maybe.

He just needs a place and time and maybe some alcohol to get that.

Why should she defend herself so much instead of admitting her mistakes

. I also pointed out these chats that he is already planning for the next steps. Calling her for a midnight bike ride and party to a secret place .

Her sisters also joined in and said his behavior doesn’t seem alright but she said she didnt want to lose friendship over some of his stupid comments . They gave him a good scolding and she now has understood the gravity of the situation. She has promised not to chat with him anymore.

She also apologized for all the troubles she caused for 10 years and will try to change. I too promised to get therapy for ED and develop intimacy better . Now her sisters also know her emotional cheating.

So now we have a clean slate to start our relationship when she wont bring my porn addiction and I wont bring her chatting.

Next day i asked her about that fling, she said it was just a crush and it happened before i met her and she cannot tell it because we had agreed to drop everything as per pact. I said I need closure, she said we didn't do sex or anything and there is nothing to talk about

But now i don't know if she had cheated on me physically as well. I didn't find any evidence of trying to organize any meeting or any photos or videos of sexual nature .

I'm not angry that she cheated but how she gaslighted me all these days by using all my insecurity, making me feel that she is suffering under this marriage and always ruining my aspirations and hobbies.

All i Want from her is respect, nothing else. I want her to treat me like a husband and not some guy at home. She says she needs love but she doesn't know I tried my best to provide but I got out away because of her behaviour.

Is that tooo much to ask for ?

Screenshot of chats

[This message edited by Shivsuroor at 11:34 PM, Monday, May 13th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2024   ·   location: India
id 8836364
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:57 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Young Men don't involve themselves in affairs,to give compliments. They're in it for the sex.

She sounds extremely cruel,and abusive. She's taking a terrible toll on your mental health. Have you spoken with a professional, about the suicidal thoughts?

I am against porn. It's a huge NO in my marriage,because,for a time, my husband used porn,and stopped having sex with me. But,friend, let me make it clear, from a woman who is against porn in her marriage. It doesn't equal an affair. You're not allowed to bring up her affairs,and she won't bring up your porn use? You will never heal like that. I honestly think she's using the porn,as a way to get a free pass on her actual cheating. You can not allow that. Porn is hurtful. It's a betrayal. But it is soooo not on the same level as an actual affair with a real person.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8836366
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 Shivsuroor (original poster new member #84833) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Thank you , i wish I could post those chat excerpts but they dint allow due to some url restrictions issues

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2024   ·   location: India
id 8836369
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 9:35 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are good resources for new members to read. The Healing Library is another great resource and has the list of acronyms we use.

You may wish to check with a medical doctor to ensure that you don't have any sexually transmitted diseases or infections. You mention that you have ED, which could be from porn use or other medical factors such as sleep apnea. If you need help sleeping or with depression, they may assist with medications.

You may wish to take some time to recover and heal. Many times, it is the behavior after the A (affair) that leads to the end of the marriage. You don't have to decide right now, but you will want to watch her actions to see if she will be a good candidate for R (reconciliation).

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3864   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8836384
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 10:34 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

You make her sound like an abuser. In any event, she drove you to self harm. You do not need a pact, which apparently skipped over previous physical cheating. You need to rethink this relationship in its entirety. Your children will be much better off with one sane parent than two miserable ones.

posts: 1211   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8836390
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 Shivsuroor (original poster new member #84833) posted at 11:30 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Update - added the screenshots of chats, there are more

[This message edited by Shivsuroor at 11:35 PM, Monday, May 13th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2024   ·   location: India
id 8836395
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 11:40 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

She sounds awful, I’m sorry for your pain OP. I don’t think she respects or loves you. I think divorce would be best for you, you deserve someone better.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8836397
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 Shivsuroor (original poster new member #84833) posted at 4:26 AM on Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

@longadstory.

If I start telling how she used my porn and sexting against me to curb everything i enjoyed and made me do everything for her

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2024   ·   location: India
id 8836409
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StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

It is not acceptable for your wife to be abusive to you. You are a human being with everything that entails and you have a right to basic dignity and respect.

It sounds like you have been systematically isolated. It is important you care for yourself, to improve your health and care for your children. If you don't have any trusted friends or family of your own to reach out to, make an appointment with a professional therapist. Build a strong foundation for your self, and work on improving yourself- it will help with feeling better as well.

You will have support here. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

posts: 7918   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8836427
Topic is Sleeping.
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