My DS has his first girlfriend.
Over the last couple of weeks I have had a few discussions with friends that it was probably time I had to tell him so that he understands more about how he should and shouldn’t treat a partner. He really hasn’t got any good role models and hasn’t had the ideal upbringing. I also mentioned to her mum that he doesnt know what his dad did but it was time to tell him this month and the reasons I wanted to (so that he understands not to make the same mistakes as his dad and grandad and I suspect his great grandad).
So a conversation started between us with me having to address a phone conversation I had with gis girlfriends mother. And it went downhill from there with my DS not engaging and then eventually explaining that if he’s quiet it ends my lectures sooner and he’s went on about my mental state and the damage I’ve done to him and his younger sisters. So given it was only a month away from when I was planning on telling him the story I sat down and explained what his dad had done (serial cheater for over a decade).
I’m devastated and cried a lot and of course my son was in utter shock of the bubble that I just burst about his dad. I’m not sure whether I told him too much or the right amount for impact. I’m not even sure that that’s meant to look like. I just know that I want it to be enough for him to not repeat it in his life like his dad and grandad. I can’t help but feel like I’ve done it wrong. How in the hell is there ever a right way?
For years my children haven’t understood my behaviour by hiding what my ex did to me and the PSTD and struggles of the stress I’m always feeling as a single mum. There was so much trauma and my whole body feels it. Nobody ever wants to have to deliver that message to their child. There is no joy in sharing what a horrible man their father is. It’s even worse when their father is the classic Mr nice guy, successful, has it together and is calm for the kids. It means that they have always thought I was the bat shit crazy one for no reason when really this is who I become not who I was before I was with him.
There’s some relief that maybe my son will have more understanding for me. But none of this takes away any of the history between the home where I’ve not been the best mum I could have been to my kids. For my son he pretty much lost his childhood.
What infidelity did to our family has been devastating and it’s impact long lasting. I hope any WS reading this has a long and hard think about what it did to their kids. Because at least in my instance, my kids didn’t just lose a family, they lost the mom that I had been and I became a shadow of a mum instead.
To the BS out there, I’m at a total loss of how I can fix the damage that’s been done in my home and my relationship with my kids. Any advice is much needed at the moment. I feel like I can’t breathe.
[This message edited by Tortured at 11:26 AM, Tuesday, May 21st]