Sorry! Been too busy with my wonderful to reply. She told me to be nice to you all.
The powers that be are keeping me classified as a Wayward. I really wanted to be able to post in JFO. So, I will only read on JFO.
To cover a few comments:
A few posters have said I show no remorse. I definitely have regret for what I did to my ex-W and my wife prior to our marriage. I am not exactly sure that I have remorse as that is a feeling foreign to me.
Another poster said I seemed to be bragging about what I did to my ex-W. Not true! I just reiterated what she told me. She came into town about 4-5 years after our divorce and showed up at our place--my wife then gf and I were living together. We made plans and met for a 2-3 hour lunch. It was a good talk. I apologized for what I did to her and we caught up on our lives during the lunch. She told me about what happen to her second marriage. She said he wasn't me and just sat at home getting stoned when he wasn't working. She said she regretted pulling the trigger so fast on our divorce. She wished she had given me more time. I spoke to her 2 additional times after my marriage to my wife close 10 years after our divorce. Just catching up and talking about the past. A few years ago, my wife ran into her at their HS class reunion--HS classmates. They spoke a bit. The ex-W's parents had both passed away and she was iun town settling their estate. My wife ran into her brother and his wife at last year's reunion. They told her about the ex-W's recent marriage after her LTR with her now husband. We asked them relay our congrats to them.
As for your W, who I took to have become aware of your cheating when you did it, being betrayed hurt. People bury pain. You should know that, since you pretty clearly do it yourself.
sisoon--I did not nor have not cheated on my wife since she became my wife. I cheated on her prior to marriage. She was very aware as I was pretty up front about my wondering ways. She was not aware of the affair I had a few months prior to our wedding. She had no clue about it until I disclosed a couple of years ago. I discussed the buried pain statement thoroughly with my wife. She claims to have no buried pain. She is just happy that she ultimately ended up with me. She is/was pretty persistent about not having any pain. I don't believe I have any buried pain only regret. We are very truthful to bluntness with one another. That is one of things I love about my wife. What you see is what you get.
As to your suggestion of opening a second thread about being bothered by my actions, I can't really say I am bothered by my actions back then. I really enjoyed my life back then as a wayward and now as a faithful husband.
A good exchange in any conversation requires all parties to bring something to the discussion. Frankly the only thing I see you bring to any exchange is the vitriol in which you have treated your wife and some of the people who have taken their time to respond. This only demonstrates a serious lack of character.
To your question you will always be a wayward, and honestly an unrepentant one at that. Perhaps you should spend your time working on on that deficiency.
hardyfool--I felt folks were twisting my words and reading more into them than what was written. That caused me to push back in a manner they expected from their perception of me.
Not sure what you mean by my treatment of my wife. I have always treated her with love and respect since she became my wife. You are correct about me being unrepentant of my actions prior to my second marriage--Regretful yes, Repentant no.
I used to have to battle my wayward tendencies when we first got married. Old habits are hard to break. I constantly monitored myself when I was younger to prevent screwing up our marriage and life together. I didn't want our marriage to go sideways as did my first marriage. Now, it is so ingrained I no longer have to put myself in check. So, I have not been wayward for about 40 years in my mind even though I had/have wayward tendencies in the past.
On a side note. I very much respect how you handled your infidelity situation and the continued ongoing drama with the ex-W & your children. I might have said that already. Sorry if I did.
morted--I will try to answer your questions.
1. What made you turn to SI? I actually post significantly more on other relationship forums. I am not drawn to SI any more than the others. I didn't know I needed anything from anonymous posters in order to be a member and to post.
2. Avoiding BW posts. I avoid them because as I stated I can't place myself in their "shoes". I also don't find theirs posts interesting to be frank. After reading a few, I just stopped once I realized it was a woman posting. Regarding WW posts, I do read some of those--just not many. I can't understand how they threw a hand grenade into their marriage blowing it up and then trying to show remorse to BH. I have to admit there have been a few exceptions on SI and other forums where the WW did show true remorse. I do read some WH posts as well--again not many. I don't really understand the hand wringing they exhibit though.
Actually, my ex-W divorced me. Otherwise, I would probably stilled be married to her. So, divorce was not an easy way out for me. I wanted to stay married; but, thought it might be best for the ex-W. The divorce did allow me to realize I wanted to have sex with a lot of different women until it got old. So, not really in pain at all only regret.
3. Not ready for monogamous marriage. Like a lot of cheaters, I didn't actively look for an affair. I met a woman. I thought she was hot. She knew I was in a relationship. We had sex several times over a month or two. Once I married the ex-W, she said she couldn't see me any more. I said I understood and we never saw one another again. I did go on to have 2 more ONS with 2 different women about a year into our marriage. Same reasons, they were hot and I couldn't force myself to resist. I wasn't very good at hiding my cheating either. I was easily caught. The ex-W said she was done after I wasn't where I was supposed to one night. Funny thing about that night, I wasn't cheating that night just having a few beers with a mixed company of coworkers.
I jumped into a year long rebound relationship while our divorce was proceeding. My ex-W did as well. He ended up being husband #2. I was more covert with the rebound regarding my cheating. I cheated on her much more than the ex-W. I even had sex with her best friend. I liked having sex with the rebound as she was pretty petite and I also liked sex with other women unfortunately. I broke up with her for that reason. I stayed single for the next 2-3 years having sexual relations with many women. I met my wife around year 3, continued my womanizing ways for 2 more years until we married.
What I learned about myself is that I used to enjoy the romancing of a new woman as much as the sex. Not sure what drove that. I just know I did enjoy new women very much until it got old. My wife was in the right place and time. She is also the right person for me to throw off my previous ways even if it took me a couple of years. She stuck with me through it and didn't give up easily. Her mom told me my wife always gets what she wants in the end.
Not really seeing how "You strike me as someone with unaddressed attachment and/or trauma who has developed an automatic numbing/avoidance to uncomfortable emotions." It doesn't fit me at all.
4. Dogpiled. I intentionally posted here in G expecting it. I had seen it here on SI before from reading many many historical posts. I had been reading here 3+ years prior to joining. So, it wasn't anything unexpected. A lot of folks like to cast the first stone.
5. I overlooked your empathy statement. I don't believe I am empathic at all. I am extremely sympathetic however. My heart really does go out to folks facing any kind of hardship.
Okay, wrapping this up. Sorry to the folks that believe in karma! My wife and I have had a wonderful life together maybe even magical. We moved 2000 miles away from our home town within 2 weeks of getting married moving away from family and friends. We had very little money or assets growing up and when we got married. We had to scrape for everything. That changed within 3 years of marriage. We bought a house with my parents assistance with the down payment.
My wife's career started really taking off. I eventually settled into a 25 year career in IT after some hit and misses. We were DINKS (dual income no kids) for almost 9 years relying on one another. We really got to know one another deeply before our sons came along. We both cry and laugh at Rom-Coms. We both hate horror movies. We love the same music. We are both fiscal conservatives. We had good to great sex in our younger days and still do even at our age. Hard to beat the ex-W in the sex department. She was a sexual dynamo.
My wife will retire in a few years--I'm already retired. We have a 4000 sq ft home that we will sell for a great profit when she retires. We came from nothing and now have a few million in assets. We are excited for the next phase of our life together. My wife has been my best friend, companion, lover, and the best partner in life a man can ask for. This is why I always say the ex-W divorcing me was the best thing she could have done when I cheated. We both have moved on to better lives.
[This message edited by atomic_mess at 5:05 PM, Sunday, May 19th]