Tinytim1980
The thing that you are going to have to work on accepting is that you are NOT fighting her gut...you are fighting her need to make sense of things.
For a BS there is an incessant need to make logical sense of totally illogical actions.
An affair in most cases makes no sense, yet waywards twists themselves into emotional and mental pretzels to justify their actions.
It is those justifications that tend to help make sense of it for a BS and in doing so you as a wayward may find another layer of your why.
I am going to give you an example of a recent trigger/blowup me and my W had that illustrates my point
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During her A she went to an after work get together thrown by a co-worker. She stated that even though her and the AP left work together so she could drop him off at home, she wanted to get rid of him BEFORE she could go to the get together.
Why?
Her answer was because she "did not want to be seen in public with him…she didn’t want to walk into the get together with him and it be assumed that they were a couple."
I accepted this at first, but upon thinking about it, it made no sense. This is because she went other places with him. They went shopping, they hung out in his neighborhood, she drove him around to run errands, etc. So there was no problem being "seen in public" with him on those occasions, why was there at this get together.
Her defensiveness immediately triggered me and we had a blow up. After a bad week, we seemed to come to be able to talk about it and I THINK she began to understand the problem.
It didn’t make sense because it was one of the instances that she used to justify BS in her own head and her willingness to maintain this thought process triggered me.
It was not that she minded being seen with him in public, because she had on other occasions. She feared her "certain" coworkers seeing them and making assumptions about them and challenging what she was doing with him.
It is hard to compartmentalize messy A related things when you are FORCED to face them.
I think/hope/believe that she realized her actions were not just circumstantial, but were constantly and relentlessly calculated to obtain the result that she wanted. She wanted time and attention with AP, but only on the terms she deemed acceptable. It was ALL about her and she manipulated the whole world to fit her terms. That is often the hardest thing for a WS to accept about themselves..…that they could be so selfish that NOTHING mattered but what they wanted and they made dozens of decisions everyday to achieve their own selfish desires. It is sobering for a WS to realize that EVERY...SINGLE...DECISION was focused on forwarding the A.
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She accepted then essentially hasnt accepted the timeline i have produced and at times her rationale for believing I am still lying is because "it's not rationale" an example was her disputing a position we had sex in, this was seated her opinion...
No you didn't because you would have had grass on your ass.
From what you have described, you are not fighting her "gut" but her need to make sense and process as much logic in this as is possible.
Understand that any lie in your timeline will make the whole thing a lie and therefore null and void.
Understand that ANY perceived discrepancies will be challenged.
My advice to you as a BS is to sit with her on each instance this comes up and ask her, what part exactly is she having a hard time believing, and truly examine what she is challenging.
Then take what she is skeptical about, imagine that a known cheater told you the exact same story and assess if you could believe it at face value. Process what detail that might be missing that would explain what she is hung up on. It might not be a lie but a misunderstanding. Or as in my case it may be that a wayward realizes how deep they went to manipulate EVERY detail to their liking with out even thinking about it.
Either way, it is an opportunity for you to rebuild trust. To show her that you are as willing to examine her fears and questions and assure her of your commitment.