I think one of the most challenging obstacles for me in recovering from infidelity was in accepting that the experience had changed me on a fundamental level. And integrating that change has painful aspects - specifically because we had no control over it (undeserved) AND it created what I call a soul wound.
The closest comparison I have is when learning as a child that Santa was not real. It changed Christmas from that point forward - but unlike many other altering experiences not common with infidelity - it also changed every past Christmas. Whose laps were those that I sat on, where did all those letters actually go, and how many times - when in my growing confusion I had asked fervently - did my parents lie to me??
Santa ~ marriage, trust, security
Parents ~ liars
Of course it鈥檚 not that simple. Everybody wants to tell you why it was ultimately a good thing. And lots of stuff that previously made no sense (fat man coming down a chimney with toys made by elves?) suddenly makes more sense. We have the truth - and that should be a good thing. Right? But it鈥檚 the innocence that truth sometimes pushes out鈥hat鈥檚 the greater loss.
And the one thing you know most of all, the exact same thing I remember recognizing as a child鈥ou can鈥檛 go back. Everything has changed鈥nd you can鈥檛 go back.
The point?
I think that鈥檚 a really hard loss to integrate. Certainly not something we want to think about on a daily basis.
So when we get a reminder - and we all have them - it鈥檚 intrusive. It touches that wounded part of ourselves while simultaneously reminding us there is no passage back. It hurts. And it often feels like it doesn鈥檛 play fair. ("I was just driving into work!"). Those moments point out not only the loss but the irrevocability. They鈥檙e hard pills to swallow - and it testifies to your aloneness, the recognition of an internal solitude, not just in the "trigger" but also in the fact that we feel so isolated in trying to accept how it has changed us. Why are we not better? Should I sell something? Move?
Infidelity is a death.
The sham is in thinking we can somehow cheat it - the death.
So many aspects die. Some obvious, some we are still trying to accept and integrate years later. But there鈥檚 a lot of power to be gained in that - in spite of the time it takes, in spite of the pain, in spite of a social norm that doesn鈥檛 recognize or understand this. It鈥檚 a journey of a dark night of the soul. Both the event and the subsequent journey breaks part of you.
Let it.
It鈥檚 not about some truck.
And if you let it break you completely, you鈥檒l be amazed at how it also puts you back together. 鉂わ笍
[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:18 PM, Wednesday, June 19th]
Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo
Funny thing, I quit being broken when I quit letting people break me.