I get the feeling that some posters think that boundaries are rules for others. In reality, they're rules for themselves. Boundaries become a lot simpler in many ways when you realize that.
'No spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex' is a rule for someone else. 'If you spend time alone with a potential sex partner, I'm gone' is a boundary - it tells someone what you will do if they violate a boundary of yours.
In the weeks after d-day, I developed my 'requirements' for R. They were requirements and boundaries, though I didn't realize that as the time. I really meant to choose D unless my W agreed to meet my requirements. I could have said, 'If you don't meet my requirements, I'm gone.'
It's just not a boundary if you don't impose the sanction you promise. And if you're not willing to impose the sanction, it's best not to bluff. Everybody - WSes and BSes - needs to be honest if you want to heal.
So what do you do if you're not ready to impose the consequences you promise? The answer to that question: you work on yourself. You figure out what you want and how you'll know if you are or aren't getting it. You figure out what consequences you'll impose under what conditions. You'll hold off setting the boundary until and unless you are ready to impose consequences.
Learning about boundaries is hard work. Setting and maintaining limits is hard work. If you're not ready, nurture yourself. Find and enhance your strengths. Have some faith in yourself. You may not be ready now, but you can take steps to get ready, and you will be ready someday. The more you nurture yourself, the sooner that day will be.
Your boundaries may be weak now, but you can strengthen them. Take a step - look for barriers - when a barrier stops you, find a way around or through it.
It's relatively easy to write about the direct way from despair to health, and that works in theory. But all of us take detours. We all make mistakes.
Worried about weak boundaries? Notice it. Then figure out what you'll do about the weakness. If you decide to put that weakness aside for now, so be it. Just work on something else that will help you heal.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.