SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So pleased to have found this site and hoping can get some help from others in my situation or similar.

I met my husband at 17 and am now 43. We have been together 26 years and been married 20. The first affair was traumatic, I received an anon phonecall telling me just over a year after we married. He said it was over,we struggled on and eventually separated and he moved out. We had no kids but the bond between us didn't end and after a while we dated and ended up pregnant. He said he wanted me we made plans but still lived separately at the time.

My first child was born 11 weeks early which in itself was extremely traumatic. The day after she was born I have another phonecall, this time from the other woman saying the affair never stopped, had been ongoing 2 years. He had told her that day about the baby. This was her revenge I guess.

Long story short I gave him a 2nd chance. I was a new mum, emotional and felt alone. We did fix things had 2 more kids and I learnt to trust him again. In fact I would say our marriage was wonderful, we loved each other, sex was fine, and I didn't have any suspicions at all. I was content and happy until about 4 months ago.

The warning signs appeared again, things I had put away in my mind last time and tried to make excuses for. I asked him if he was having an affair and he denied it. I had no proof I waited and naively thought he would not do this to me again or our kids. Our lives are perfect. Roll on a few days ago and I eventually checked his phone. Found a secret messaging app and a message thread and everything is out.

It is an old school friend who he has obviously sought out to speak to. Calling her his soul mate, they are in love and getting married one day. Destroyed does not even cover how I feel. He has now said he doesn't know if he wants her. I am a complete mess and my mental health on the edge and the kids are reeling and trying to cope with all the arguments, crying and feelings of abandonment.

I have no idea what will happen yet. Head is saying one thing, heart another. My mind is chaos and needs to be sorted so can think straight. Him doing this to me, I just have no words for.Dying inside and hope someone has some positive words to get me through.

These are the ones you know about. He is a serial cheater.

I am so sorry you are going through this over and over. If he does not get some IC to try to grow up you can expect more. He can’t say no to temptation and that is what has been present in your life since the beginning.

Things to do:
See a dr for meds for anxiety if you need them
See a lawyer to understand your rights
Try to eat healthy but if you can’t find a liquid meal like Ensure. Be sure to look at the ingredients because there are some good ones with 30 g of protein
Drink plenty of fluids
Try to sleep as much as possible and your dr might help with that.
Find a local buddy or family member to give you a shoulder but use this forum. There is so much wisdom here.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry you're in such pain. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we encourage new members to read, and some other posts with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources. I would encourage you to read the ones that are about recovering before attempting R (reconciliation).

IC (individual counseling) with somebody who specializes in betrayal trauma can be helpful. Your WH (wayward husband) needs to be in IC to dig down and do the work to become a safe partner. He's a serial cheater (somebody who has had more than one A [affair]), and serial cheaters are tough. It's tough for them to find the fortitude to make the big changes within themselves to be safe. Not saying it can't be done, but it is tough. MC (marriage counseling) isn't recommended yet, as the therapist has a tendency to shift part of the blame to you. Your M didn't cheat - your WH did.

My mind is chaos and needs to be sorted so can think straight.

For me, mindfulness exercises and meditation helped a lot with my spiraling thoughts and concentration. It can take awhile before your head and heart agree.

I second Cooley's To-Do list. If you think there's any chance that they've had a chance to make it a PA (physical affair), you may also want your doctor to check you for STDs/STIs.

You’ve gotten excellent advice above. Please know that none of this is your fault. He has a void in him and a serious character flaw that allowed him to do this repeatedly.

And know that you will survive this. We know how hard it is , but you will get through to the other side. It will take longer than you want and your marriage may not be intact, but you will be okay.

Keep posting. Do you have an income? Family nearby?

I do have a job and lots of family.
Not so many friends, I was kind of a content wife and mother but I will try and fix that now.

I find hard talking to my family as they are very opinionated for obvious reasons, and also hurt.

I do have plans to sort therapy and I have done a Dr request today so I can sort my head out.

I have also decided that I can't do this with him again and he is moving out. I need space to heal and I cannot trust anything he says anymore.

Hey Brokenhearted1981, just another person out here supporting you in taking positive action in the face of all this pain. So sorry you are going through this, and I agree with others that this is just the tip of the iceberg. You and your kids deserve better.

I am so very very sorry you are enduring the pain of yet another betrayal at his hands. There is obvioysly a huge maturity/integrity gap in him that has existed from day one. I too relate to what you wrote about his first known betrayal while you were a young Mom with babies at home and decided to stay. I did the same as a young H and Father and deeply regret it to this day. That said....

I affirm this decision wholeheartedly:

I have also decided that I can't do this with him again and he is moving out. I need space to heal and I cannot trust anything he says anymore.

Listen, there is life on the other side of this and it can be a great life. After everything ended with my first wife, I found an amazing lady who was also a veteran of a brutal betrayal. Weve been married for over 2 decades now and have built a fabulous life together. Back then, I never knew or believed such happiness was possible.

In the near term, invest in yourself like you never have before, i.e., exercise, nutrition, therapy, hobbies, friendships, etc and keep posting here. These folks know and understand.

Strength, healing and clarity to you Ma'am.

Thanks for everyone's comments it means alot to me and is giving me alot of strength to so what I need to do and think ahead.

Sometimes the best solution is to give them what they want...
Only... when they can have what they state they want then generally it turns out they don’t really want it.

So she is his soulmate and one day they will marry...
Has he explained how that will happen, seeing as polygamy is banned? Is he dropping banana-peels ahead of you? Has he had you sign a large life-insurance policy? Or does HE plan on divorcing you?

Aren’t there really only two ways out of this? One being that he ends the affair and the other being that you two end the marriage? Is there any other realistic solution?

Well... Give him what he wants:

"Honey. After all these years I only want you to be happy. If MissHomeCommingQueen1982 is your soul-mate and you want to marry her... well... I won’t stand in your way. I have contacted a solicitor and asked him to ensure I get what is fairly my share. You can either agree with his deduction, or hire your own attorney, but let’s speed this up so I don’t impede your happiness. God knows the last 33 years must have been terrible for you."
Then ask him how he wants things to be while the process is going on. When he plans to move out, where he intends to sleep since you are no longer sharing a marital bed etc.

Something tells me the odds are about 9 to 10 he will be running back with his tail between his legs.

Dear Woman.....to gain some stabilization, get and read "Betrayal Bind" ASAP. This will at least help you know what you are experiencing is completely normal. Would be good for your husband to read also....may wake him up.

Moat important, seek the Lord who can calm the storms. Praying for you 🙏

No advice just sending you hugs and love. This is a hard thing but you are strong and can survive!!!