SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I am a new member here that was advised to post my story.

A lot has gone in the last 6 weeks so I will try and capture as best as I can. We have been together just over 10 years and have two young kids, we are NOT married, and currently still living in the same house.

6 weeks ago while drinking one evening she said her passion for us had disappeared which was a shock to me.

The following 2 weeks my mind and body was in fight or flight mode, quite horrible. We continued to regularly talk, saying how sorry she was with the situation, and she didn't know her feelings with how they had changed, including the line "she loves me though not in love with me".

I am more than happy to help her work through to the next phase of her life in any way I can, however my gut was screaming that there was more to this.

From losing her phone all the time around the house, to now it never leaving her side and being much more secretive caused alarm bells to ring, tied together with lots of texting that was quite secretive.

Some texts I was able to oversee were quite a few racy messages, suggesting she has been contact with someone. While I am so tempted to confront, I am trying to allow myself time to process and do the right thing for myself and our kids, and know the knock on effect, particularly as are going to be living together for the foreseeable future due to finances.

With her changing overnight with very little reasoning I started doing lots of reading, audiobooks listening, and Googling research and so many of the signs point to a mid-life crisis with how she changed since the bomb drop - emotionally and physically distanced, lying, change in clothing, "you deserve better", very emotional and teary with highs and lows, and just seeming like there's multiple personalities in there. There's a high chance of hormones (perimenopause) adding to the mix.

I've dug deep since this happened though now feel much more calmer and grounded. I've found myself a good therapist to deal with the initial trauma and started journaling.

While I have found a therapist, suggesting she finds a therapist for herself or as a couple was met with resistance.

I have been following much of the MLC advice on focusing on what I can control and working on myself, which I will carry on doing so.

If she is going through a MLC and I stand and wait for her, wondering if/when she comes out of the tunnel she'll have a reality check that we can then work through, though I know the timeframe on that is unknown, if at all. There is then the challenge of trust, and shattering what we had...she used to have such high integrity and honesty.

This feels like some crazy horror film that I play the main character.

Thanks for reading, and any thoughts you may share.

[This message edited by thoughtpoet58 at 3:04 PM, Monday, September 2nd]

Honestly, you should go see an attorney to find out your rights. Do you REALLY want to be a backup plan? Her cake eating is going to continue until you put a stop to it. Don't allow her to dictate your life! Take control by seeking legal advice. You deserve better. So do your kids.

MLC may be an one way of describing your WSO's probable A. It is by no means an excuse, though.

You are focusing on your W and what she's going through. That's understandable, but it's a dead end. The only way you know what's in her head is what she tells you, verbally and non-verbally. If you can't interpret a signal, so be it - just keep picking up the signals until you do understand them.

More important, focus on what you're going through. Notice whatever feelings you have and use simple names (mad, sad, glad, scared, ashamed or whatever other words you want to use, but keep it simple). Process that pain out of your body - cry, hit a punching bag, scream in private, etc. Ask your IC for help processing your feelings.

Assuming your partner is actually cheating (and a lot of what you write says she is), figure out what you want. Do you really want R? What are your conditions for R - they need to include something like, 'change from betrayer to good partner.' Figure out how long you're willing for her to pursue her MLC, and don't forget: the longer it goes on, the more pain you have to process.

Don't look at averages. Sure, confrontation may be a problem in most MLCs, but the average does not apply to specific situations. Pay attention to your WSO and, again, to yourself.

What do you want to do? Why? What do you think your tactics will accomplish? Is your thinking realistic? If she 'comes back' after a year, is that OK with you? How will you deal with the question, 'Will she do it again?'

I tend to be in favor of confrontation, but I know that's difficult. I DID ask my W if she was cheating during her A, but I accepted her denials pretty meekly ... my bad - it set me up for an additional couple of months of uncertainty, fear, anger, shame, grief.

You heal you. Your WSO heals herself. Together, if you both want to, you heal your relationship.

so sorry you had to find us, but we’re a great bunch.

First, take care of yourself. Great that you are in IC. Be sure to take care of your physical health too— this is a trauma and it does a number on our bodies. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid drugs and alcohol (they make things worse - ask me how I know), get some exercise daily and sleep. If you are having trouble with these, talk to your doctor. Protein shakes are helpful if you can’t eat. Get STD/STI testing immediately. Do not have unprotected sex with her.

See a lawyer. Knowledge is power, so knowing what D might look like will strengthen you and remove a lot of fear of the unknown.
Not being married can mean different things legally in different states in the US, so make sure you know what it means where you live in the UK. Don’t tell your wife you are doing this.

Read here in the JFO forum and in the Healing library. Tons of great information and it helps to read others’ stories. For all the differences, they are all very similar.

Remember that YOU are the prize. There is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused you WS to cheat. She chose that due to her own issues, a void in her that requires external validation, maybe, or pure selfishness. If she was unhappy, there were dozens of ways to address this without cheating, from talking with you, counseling, separation… She CHOSE cheating.

Expose the affair to the wife of her AP. she deserves to have agency in her life. Don’t tell your wife - she and her AP will just conspire on a story to make you look crazy. Send screen shots if you have them.

Speaking of, don’t tell your WS how you get your info, and keep any evidence in a safe place she cannot access.

Keep reading, keep posting. And trust that the thousands (!!) of us who have walked this path before you have come out the other side. You will be okay.

Hi,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is a torment that you do not deserve (and that is really important to ‘get’: you do not deserve the behaviour you have been putting up with.)

I am just going to communicate what happened in my (quite recent) experience and what I wish I had done, but obviously, this is just my experience.

My WH very definitely had a MLC. It manifested itself clearly for 6 months, but was no doubt fermenting for much longer. Work stress, living with grumpy teenagers, caring for and then losing 2 parents…were all things he wanted to escape from. His MLC really came to the fore when he started raising the fact he regretted not sleeping with more people when younger, as well as lots of very angry outbursts at normal life, and then … hours spent obviously online. His behaviour to me and the kids was abysmal. However, I never for an instant thought he would actually have an affair, as he had promised me very clearly after an outburst that he wouldn’t. And he had been someone seemingly full of integrity.
All the advice I read about MLC said to work on me and steer the steady course, to be the person he would want to come back to if/ when he ‘came through’. In doing this, I never once directly spoke about him possibly cheating. For me, being ‘steady’ meant doing even more of the chores and trying to look ‘stable’ when I was struggling inside. As it was, this made me even more of ‘the wife’ he felt contempt for.
Well, he cheated. It took me finding out for the ‘bubble’ to burst and for him to wake up (almost literally). He then had some very clear decisions to make. It forced the issue, but I wish it hadn’t got to that point in that way.

In my case, and this may not be right for you, I wish I had confronted him about my fears and what his dreadful behaviour was doing to me much sooner, and I should also have tried to get some MC. He says that he was in such a bubble that I probably could have done or said nothing to change his trajectory, but at least I would have felt I had said something. I also should have asked him to leave or left myself (hard to do with kids) in an attempt to show him that I was an individual, not someone he equated with all the dullness of real life (I was very much lumped with the kids as a domestic burden).

So my advice, for what it is worth, is to assume the worst and try to decide what your boundaries are, communicate them clearly (there is no need to use the term MLC, but ‘crisis’ might be useful on its own) and be willing to stick to them. Regardless of his reasons, my WH acted like an entitled brat, and I feel I enabled it by trying to be too supportive and ‘stable’. You are owed more, and it is not up to you to solve your spouse’s crisis; only she can do that.

Also, I agree that you should not give away your sources of info. Take photos and email them to several safe places.

Wishing you so much luck, whatever you choose to do, and sending you supportive thoughts.

I’ve realised that my reply suggests that his infidelity was partly my fault. That is not the case at all; what I was trying to say is that my WH got away with making me feel dreadful and then more dreadful for far too long, and I should have called out and challenged his bad behaviour (affair and MLC or not) much earlier.
Thinking of you.

She got together with you at age 33 and now wants to find her younger self and achieve her desires? What was she doing for 15 years after High School? This sounds like a ridiculous cliche, but right up with someone in an affair.

So why not send her on her way? You keep the kids, she pays child support and she can act like a teen with a married man! Put this out there and see how she reacts.

Almost all midlife crisis (MLC) reading suggests that any confrontation will make things much worse and set her back and even implode her as her fragile mindset as she can't cope. Yet I do wonder at times if she is really going through that, and instead it is form of exit affair which I never thought her character would allow as she's always been so open and honest. There is part of me that wants to confront for my integrity, though I don't know how much pain that will cause in the future, and I don't want to break her if I am wrong and its a MLC, and its a distraction while she deals with internal trauma.

Dear thoughtpoet58, so sorry your partner made such selfish choices, and you're here dealing with the fallout. But so glad you found SI. And so sorry to say, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech usually comes after an EA or PA is well underway. You're also wondering if her recent choices could be explained as a Mid Life Crisis (MLC). I recommend skepticism regarding the whole MLC thing. MLC Myth is one of my pet peeves! So, thanks for your forbearance as I natter on while refuting the MLC Myth trap so many fall into; myself included.

I get it -- you're in shock, in PAIN - and desperate for an explanation - ANY explanation to explain why your life partner would suddenly emotionally and physically pull away and ask for a hall pass from the relationship. Been there too thoughtpoet58..... during the immediate D-day aftermath it was less traumatic to imagine my H caught in "typical MLC turmoil" beyond his control than it was to acknowledge he betrayed simply because he wanted to, because he got something out of it. That his infidelity WAS A CHOICE, not the result of MLC. Or depression, or testosterone deficiency, or.........whatever. In other words, it felt safer to latch onto hypothetical OUTWARD causes influencing his betrayal, rather than risk recognizing that the man I loved for 28 years was capable of lying to me in the most intimate, brutal way. This recognition was traumatic, but a necessary realization = he didn't care about hurting me (at the time) --- he cared only about HIMSELF first and foremost when he selfishly chose to travel down that slippery A slope.

Seeing your partner with open eyes is so important to realistically process what you're dealing with - to help make logical decisions - to do what you need to do to protect you and the kids. So, if it helps = right now - this very minute, a gazillion partnered women are navigating middle age, a gazillion partnered women are going through perimenopausal changes. Yet MOST (the majority?)of those gazillion middle-aged perimenopausal women aren't cheating on their partners. Your partner's choices are NOT the manifestation of a typical life phase...... or MLC. She did what she did because she wanted to.

In a nutshell - IMO, MLC is one of the most persistent and damaging pop psychology tropes to emerge in the late 20th century. MLC myth refuses to die. It insidiously self-perpetuates - as a plethora of legit looking internet MLC junk click-bait ($$) and MLC self-help publications/websites ($$) accumulate.Some SI posters may disagree with positing that MLC (as defined in popular culture) is a myth. As often said here, take what you need and leave the rest. Your willingness to consider labeling her selfish behavior MLC, and possibly "stand and wait for her" or hesitate to confront (continue rug-sweeping) based on dubious "MLC reading" demonstrates why this trope AND the questionable literature surrounding it are potentially harmful. To save some typing I'll cut and paste a response (treatise:-) to another poster addressing this very issue. Hope this helps. Remember, the goal here is to get out of infidelity, not to make you feel badly.

You mention MLC as if this is some natural phase of life you can wait out while she progresses through it. Not so! I know if you google Mid Life Crisis all kinds of legitimate looking information pops up. Most of that is pop psychology not based on any legit research or treatment. Folks have even written books about MLC! Doesn't make it real. Think about it. If MLC were a real thing, wouldn't Most or More people experience it? If MLC were a typical phase, wouldn't there be more responsible research/treatments to support this so called life transition? One of the dangers of buying into the MLC narrative is the temptation to wait it out - because a crisis is a temporary thing. A crisis will pass. Her demand to "open the marriage" (to eat cake) indicates action. Not more waiting her out.

I too thought my H was "taken over by aliens" - that his uncharacteristic, erratic choices must be out of his control. My knee-jerk response to explain away the cheating was to classify it as MLC. So to deal with his A I did what I do - researched legit studies on MLC and read up. What I learned helped me. And opened my eyes to see his choices for what they really were. Not MLC, but a poor life skills crisis. He wasn't taken over by aliens, or grappling with MLC. This was the real him. Life's challenges exposed his weak character. Which can happen at ANY age. For an entitled person of any age sometimes it's easier to just run away. To escape. Instead of facing life's challenges and developing inner resources to deal with them, my H looked for escape. He looked outward for external validation rather than finding healthy INTERNAL self-validation. Some cheaters with poor life skills (like your W?) also feel entitled to walk away from the difficulty of real life, commitment, and growing old. WE ALL GROW OLD. If the MLC narrative is accurate, wouldn't most people experience one? Wouldn't more middle aged people predictably trash their established lives to pursue fantasy? No, for most folks it doesn't play that way. For example, BS on SI aren't chasing decades younger APs, sending naked pix around, abandoning their kids, or even trying out that old MLC cliche= buying red convertibles to cope with the passing of youth.

Bear with me while I get didactic on ya. To my knowledge there's no verifiable empirical data confirming MLC is a true condition. Researchers have spent time and energy attempting to prove or disprove the MLC trope. They found just the opposite is true - by midlife personality tends to be fixed. In a nutshell, research shows "the MLC as we describe it middle aged cheaters desperate to keep youth and freedom as they face old age is a myth, whether the cheater is a man or woman, since similar problems can peak at other periods of the lifespan, from adolescence to old age."

Spend enough time on SI and for sure, anecdotally the MLC seems to be a thing. Provides a ready narrative just about everyone recognizes. And provides a useful trope to poke fun at WS. But be aware, MLC also provides a handy narrative for the cheater! Grasping onto the myth of MLC also provided a false hope narrative for me, and I think for other BS. That given time he'd come out of "the fog." MLC conveniently explained how my usually reliable H could be so unhappy - and so cruel. And if MLC is a typical life phase, then selfishly blowing up our marriage was him simply following a predictable life path. ME "Hey, it's a typical life transition - so my H isn't really a selfish entitled A hole - it's MLC! Phew" It's less painful to imagine our partners caught in a challenging "life transition" beyond their control than it is to acknowledge they are merely selfish entitled cheaters.

The main danger for BS buying into the MLC myth is the temptation to wait it out. Postpone any decisions based on false hope the MLC will dissipate. To rug sweep infidelity indefinitely. Because a "crisis" by its nature is temporary. Desperately latching onto the MLC myth gave me false hope that this "crisis" would pass. That he'd remove his head from his posterior and recognize what a selfish idiot he was, the grass isn't greener, that sparkly new will get old. That this was a PHASE. The reality is my H cheated because he wanted to. His shitty coping skills enabled his affair. Poor life skills are not a phase of life! The timing of his poor life skills crisis just happened to coincide with late middle age. There was no correlation between these two things. And, what the heck are the parameters of "mid life" anyway? ANY cheater between the ages of 25ish to fill in the blank could be handily smushed into the MLC category! Another reason why this false narrative persists.

Thankfully I rejected the MLC myth and the accompanying temptation to wait it out. I acted. Only after I was ready to move on and leave him choking in my dust did he look at himself. And take responsibility for his choices. He was willing to dig deep and work hard to make change in himself. To address his poor life skills. Years later he's still working on this BTW. Is your W willing to do the heavy lifting required to become a better person in the wake of her betrayal? She's not suffering the effects of a supposed MLC. MLC is not a syndrome :-). And calling it MLC gives her an easy out.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:44 PM, Friday, August 30th]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find my advice helpful b/c I was in your shoes. After 25 years of a good marriage my H has decided he doesn’t want to be married.

It has become ALL my fault.

I’m Being blamed for his unhappiness. He married too young (24 and HIS idea). His career issues were my fault. You get the picture.

Here’s what I learned:

If they are "unsure" (out of the blue BTW) about the relationship or marriage, they met someone else. Not saying they cheated. But they are interested in this new person.

If they want a "temporary" separation, the "unsure" spouse or partner wants to test drive the new person. Date them. Do whatever. After all you are now separated and in the cheater’s mind, it’s an opportunity to cheat.

I waited around for 6 months. Did everything possible. I went to counseling. My cheating H refused. I did everything possible to "fix" things including all the negative things he told me about myself.

Finally it came down to him or me — I was losing my sanity and constantly trying to make sense of everything. Until the day came when I decided to put myself first and get off his roller coaster ride of "I want a D - no I changed my mind".

I had my plan B - exit strategy and I was executing. Counseling. Check. Money in the bank. Check. Mediator and attorney. Check. Co parenting plan ready to present to him. Check.

When I told him I was D him — he was stunned. Never expected me to move on w/out him. Never thought I’d stand up to him and his lying cheating ways.

It took him a year to convince me to R. It took me 3 years to get over the trauma. But it’s been 11years and we are happy.

But guess who wears the pants in the family now? Me.

I don’t back down on anything. If you give me your word, I hold you to it. I don’t tolerate any crap from him or anyone and I learned how to get exactly what I want. Not in a mean way but in a very positive way.

He counted on me being a doormat. Which I was for 30 years. But not any longer.

My advice - if you need to split up - do it. Your kids will be ok. You will be ok. But what is not ok is you living in limbo waiting for someone else to decide your future. BTDT and it was the worst thing I ever did.

I hope this helps you from someone who lived your exact situation.

Those are not zebras. Occam’s Razor every time. They are exactly what you know to be true. She is interested in someone else so those hoofbeats belong to horses.

I always worry what long term stress does to the body. You have been having flight or fight zooming in and out of your body because the primitive part of your brain recognizes danger. It could be a grizzly, an affair, it doesn’t matter. The stress is the same and your brain keeps getting flooded with adrenaline, cortisol, and everything else that your body needs to get out of danger. The problem is it’s very quick when flooding your body, but it takes hours to come out and it’s very toxic the more you have these responses. What I am getting at is that the title of this site is Surviving Infidelity. That means whatever you can do, do. You do not want to let this stress begin to break your body down because then it becomes a point of no return and you’re paying the price for it for the rest of your life. Don’t do that to yourself. Trying to live in the house with somebody who’s sneaking around and mistreating you is putting yourself in hell.

Hi,
Just a couple of add-ons.
Firstly, MLC or not, I totally agree that someone's behaviour is utterly up to them. That means you can't stop them from behaving as they want to whilst they are wrapped up in their world. My WH has described his A and attendant behaviour as a bubble he constructed in which everything was justified and which distorted his view of the truth. There were plenty of people online willing to help fortify that warped perception and, in retrospect, there really was nothing I could have done to change his skewed outlook about our marriage, family, past, etc. The only thing I could have controlled earlier was having more self-respect and not putting up with behaviour which was damaging to me and my children.

I totally agree with this sentiment:

He counted on me being a doormat. Which I was for 30 years. But not any longer.

And the online advice about MLC that I read about 'just staying the course' wasn't at all helpful for me, because it lead to me adding doormat-like behaviour in the name of 'support'.

A few posters on other posts have talked about boundaries being for the BS, not so much the WS, and I have found that helpful as a way of deciding what I will stand for and what I won't. I have actually found it helpful to view my WH as a toddler who became totally self-absorbed and needed to know where my lines were. It's just a pity I didn't take this view earlier, even though I thought we had clear, shared boundaries, for my own protection.

My WH woke up this morning and apologised, as he often does, for his behaviour and choices and added out of nowhere: 'I went off the rails, and it was all my fault, not yours.' He sees this now, even though he was full of blame about our marriage and life when he was mid-A.
I thought I would share this with you, as it is so easy for people in our position to think we can 'support' our spouses into waking up. Having gone through the trauma you are going through (and I am still living it, but we are working towards R), I really want to reaffirm that you can only control your boundaries and stick up for yourself and what you have worked so hard for all these years.

Thank you so much for everyones' messages, and sharing their stories so openly. Knowing what worked and what didn't does help give me perspective, and also expand my options.

Just not feeling like I am completely on my own helps.

My emotional stability is getting better. Journaling is helping, and from that is allowing me to cry and grieve, and actually get it out. Sisoon's suggestion of noting emotions I will try and do more to help regulate.

I am starting to detach more now. This seems to already have an effect as she keeps asking me if I am okay.

I am currently arranging my finances and understanding where I am legally.

The messages from Panopticon72 particularly resonated. I will and am working on me. I did a huge amount of reading up on MLC, and even after only 6 weeks the MLC phrase of "staying the course" is where I struggle with knowing her behaviour. I can't be a doormat, I couldn't help it initially with being in shock, though staying like this will eat me up.

I do need to set boundaries of what is acceptable. The challenge is that as I haven't confronted her I feel I can't set boundaries that I want to. While also knowing that if I do confront, I just want to minimise the pain if she does turn into some kind of monster and know I've put all the measures in place that I can to help myself.

Thanks again for your support, you will never know how appreciated it is.

The most powerful word you will ever use is "NO". No excuses. No explanations. Just no. It is not to control another person. It is no longer letting yourself participate in the ongoing issues. Opt out. Plan your life without her. She has told you how she feels. Believe her.

Do not look for reasons, especially that you caused anything. People usually do things because they want to. Accept that whatever is going on with her are her choices, not yours.

If she finds she has loving feelings toward you then working together might make things work out but don’t wait on another person to choose you. Don’t be an option.

Take care of yourself body and soul.

We have had an amazing and fun packed 12 years up to now

Which is ironic since she's now having some fun packed times herself.. and you are very gracious to allow her to have her fun and be the responsible one

You're diagnosing her for all sorts except

She wants to do what she wants to do.

Best confront so everything is out in the open

I’m going to repeat here what I advised elsewhere:

Dude, if you want this to be over tell AP’s betrayed wife. He’s in it for NSA sex, not to lose half his shit and go 50/50 with the kids. Once his wife finds out 90% chance he throws your wife under the bus to save his marriage. That tends to be a real educational experience for waywards.

I’ll add you need to lean into your detachment. When it’s her time with the kids make yourself scarce. Put on some nice clothes and cologne and leave. Doesn’t matter if you’re hanging with friends or bowling or reading in a pub. If she asks where you’re going tell her "out".

See a solicitor about a custody agreement. Separate finances. In short, start moving forward out of infidelity in a concrete and visible manner. If she should pull her head out of her ass and follow then you can make a decision about whether reconciliation is something you want.

I'm with BoundaryBuilder on this one. Your WS is having an A and lying to you/treating you horribly because they have this capability inside of them. I know the temptation to want to blame something else for your WS being a shitty person who has treated you (and is treating you) horribly. Like the midlife crisis brain-eating monster, or heck even a brain tumor, would be better to explain away your WS's behavior, because at least those things are a cause that is outside the control of your WS.

I too wanted to believe these things. But I was wrong, and unless your WS has a brain tumor or is the victim of an alien abduction, unfortunately all your hope that you can blame this on a MLC is wrong too. Fortunately/unfortunately the cause of the A is sitting right in front of you, and it's your WS as it was mine. I had no idea about the cruel, heartless, self-centered person my WS really was - deep down. I know now and more importantly, so does he (and spoiler alert: we are no longer married but we do still date so having this trait is not the be all end all - but your WS is going to have to recognize that and want to work on it).

My WH has pretty severe depression, which back during the A was untreated. And he too fell nicely into the blame the A on a mid life crisis category...but the reality is (7 years later) my WH will be the first to tell you that his behavior was not due to some external source or his mental health issues - it was because on some level he wanted to. He liked the ego boost of having someone tell him how attractive/funny/sexy he was. He liked the excitement of a new relationship. He even liked the sneaking around - as it made it just more exciting. You know, like the beginnings of the relationship when everything is new and exciting made more so by the clandestine nature of it. He didn't plan for it to happen - but when the compliments started flowing - and they kept coming even after he initially rejected them - eventually it felt so good that he wanted more. And that's how it happened for him.

A mid life crisis does not mean that you have lost the ability to determine right from wrong. It does not mean that you all of a sudden lose your empathy chip and decide that shitting all over the people you love is okay. Ultimately, the fact is that regardless of whether someone is having a mid life crisis or not, to participate in an affair is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE. And a WS does it because on some level they want to. Unfortunately, your WS also wants to.

I would caution against treating this like something they will "snap out of" and come back to you if you just stay quiet and hope...even if the A does end, without your WS addressing why they are the type of person who can engage in this type of behavior, its ripe for repetition (and I would argue the second time is easier than the first). I looked from reasons to explain my WS's behavior and all my delay did was hurt me more.

Proceed as if there is nothing to explain this outside of your WS's own head and if your WS gets diagnosed with the brain eating monster later you can breathe the sigh of relief that your WS isn't really capable of being this horrible person.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:05 PM, Wednesday, August 28th]

Boundaries are only helpful if the cheating spouse adheres to them.

I tried boundaries. If they want to cheat they will cheat (I know you already know that). But you also have to realize that they may appear to respect the boundaries while still cheating.

My H never did anything from dday1 to dday2 that would cause suspicions. Yes the was cheating the whole time I thought we were reconciling.

After I decided to D him, boundaries were no longer an issue. Funny how that made him set his own boundaries. And stick to them.

Quite a lot happened last night that I posted here for those that are interested - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664348/unexpected-confrontation/

Into another phase, and no idea how this one will turn out, though feeling more empowered that things are on the table!

[This message edited by thoughtpoet58 at 11:35 AM, Saturday, August 31st]