This will be a very vulnerable post for me but I have to update because today feels like a very very big but yet, sad breakthrough.
Maybe porn addicts spouses or sex addict spouses will be able to identify with it more than others but here is the cold hard truth of being married to one.
Our oldest daughters bday was Friday, we were supposed to have a pool party yesterday but the weather forecast wasn't great so instead she asked for a mother/daughter day shopping to make over her room and to find new clothes for school (she just turned 11). My heart immediately sank, what me? Taking her shopping, alone? Leaving her dad to look at porn or to possibly do worse? No way, I was in my mind finding ways to get out of it, to put it on her dad and have him take her... I mean he can't look at that stuff or talk to women while with her right? When I used to leave the house and go places and come home I would find signs he would look at porn, he wasnt goood at hiding it , or he didn't care, no matter how much we had sex.
I fought my emotions and decided that she was more important than the shitty things he put me through and even more important than him. We even drove past a hotel he took his old trashy AP to and I didn't even notice until we were way past it. I was so happy for the first time since his A I didn't notice it, usually I feel sick. Our daughter helped me because we were talking and bonding that I didnt even notice.
I owed this to her, how many years I spent not bonding with her for fear of leaving our house, wondering what he was doing or what he was trying to do... our other kids are little so crib time for them, means fun time for him..
I don't think porn is recognized enough as infidelity here and unfortunately that is the start of it, or at least it was in our case.
I looked at my H today before we left and reminded him that I have lost so much time with our children because I have avoided leaving him "alone" due to being afraid of what he would do when I left. I was vulnerable and told him that he was no longer allowed to take from us every again and if he were to, I would be gone.
How freaking unfair this was to our oldest daughter, the guilt I feel will probably not go away for a long time because she should have came first, I should have found a way to shove the fear down.
He hung his head and was very upset and I know he knows how much he has impacted our lives and not for the better, he promised me he would be cleaning the house and loving on our babies while we were gone.
I THOROUGHLY enjoyed those 4 hours with my daughter and I even got myself three pairs of jeans that I feel so pretty in and some Halloween stuff to sooth my soul.
I came home to a clean house, three other happy babies and all of our groceries delivered put away.
My H also agreed every other week him or I will take our oldest to church , it is hard with littles that don't want to wake up.
He had a vasectomy a few years ago and I told him I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry that he hasn't witnessed a birth of one of his children without his addiction, the love, the happiness, the pure bliss has to be different at that point right? Now that he is changing now that he sees what is important? God, some days I wish I wasn't an empathist, it is such a curse.
I guess my point is, in my opinion
Porn can be just as damaging as infidelity and I consider it cheating. It cheated me out of time with my kids, it cheated my H out of a normal reality without fantasy expectations.
It is forbidden in my home and even though I used to watch it with my H (handful of times) I will never again.
We are about to be up to renew his porn blocker in a few months and he actually reminded me of it, it is pricey but it is well worth the cost in my opinion.
Tonight was a hard night for me because when I came home, I realized we have had 4 children together and every one of their births hes been a porn addict and he has had his head in the sand or up some porn stars ass. |
I explained to him that I feel so sorry for him because he never truly enjoyed, appreciated, or felt what I felt delivering our children. I cried and I cried not for myself but for him, he replied that is something he has to live with and change, and he has the upmost regret for. I asked him if he was working on reframing his mindset those days and he said he was and that our kids are still young enough he can make it right, his eyes were so sad, why couldn't he have changed sooner? WHY DID IT TAKE THIS?
I don't mean to ramble or be depressing, I just am just here to say that I felt robbed a lot of this relationship and today I took that back for the sake of my daughter, for THE FIRST TIME , I didn't care what he did and I put her first.. I should have always did that.