It is my belief we just think we are telling ourselves dime version of these stories the entire time-
1. I am clever and won’t let them find out
2. If they do find out, they will forgive me OR I don’t care what happens if they find out.
For my H, #1 is true. #2 is decidedly not.
I think part of the difference could be that my H didn't have one A, he had three As over a span of 14 years, starting very early in our marriage. He had a lot of time to stew in his own juices.
He knew I wouldn't forgive him because I had said so multiple times, and he absolutely did care if he was found out, which is why he was a stress monster for 14 years. And it wasn't only me that he was worried about, it was everyone. Everyone was stunned when they found out about the secret life of the stand-up good guy.
For my EA, #1 was not true. It was pretty much out in the open from the start, and my H was an active instigator. (Not all As are textbook, which is why I tend to be an outlier with many of my opinions. lol)
#2 was true. I "knew" that he would forgive me. I also cared more about the titillation and ego feed than my integrity. When I refused to transition to PA, I was dropped like a hot potato and I woke up. One could say that I cared enough about what would happen that I stopped before it got out of hand. (Another non-textbook situation. I sometimes chime in on speculative threads when people say that if the WS and AP were in a hotel room alone, they definitely had sex. Well, we were, and we didn't.)
Like if you cheated but felt guilty about it sometimes (even 5% of the time) maybe that’s something I can work with and we can get through this. But if you literally had zero guilt maybe that’s not gonna work.
Or…if you cheated but at least thought about not going along with it next time she tried to get physical (even 5% of the time) maybe that’s something we can work with and we can get through this. But if you literally never consider stopping doing such a shitty thing I’m not so sure.
I don’t know if other people do this same mental math
I do. I did. It mattered to me that he was tormented. It mattered that he went back and forth from being desperate to be with me to getting caught up in the A. I appreciated that his stomach was trashed due to stress. It meant that there was a man with a conscience in there.
[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:36 PM, Friday, September 6th]
Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.