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Hey there everyone. I’m feeling really down right now.

Since D-day my husband has been working on himself. He hasn’t been defensive, he doesn’t blame me, he answers all my questions, and he is accountable. He’s in IC, an out patient sex addiction program, and a 12 step program. He participates in all of that religiously.

However, the one thing he is absolutely HORRIBLE at is reassuring me and comforting me when I’m triggered or sad. He just sits there and stares at me (saying nothing) or makes really perfunctory statements. We will be at 2 years of reconciliation in November.

I have told him the kinds of things I’d like him to say and do. He needs super specific instructions sometimes and it just seems rediculous. Things like, "Maybe right now, since I’m crying and upset, you could sit up and not lounge with your feet up and arms crossed casually behind your head?" He admits he struggles with this. It seems like a really important part of reconciliadtion, though, so I’ve told him he needs to be working on this in therapy. I have basically told him that it will eventually become a deal breaker for me. Nothing has gotten even marginally better.

Tonight felt like the last straw. I was reading a super triggering Facebook post that showed a couple that had gotten fit together. A commenter said, "Rather than leave her, upgrade together." It got me wondering, did my husband go after these women because he felt like they were an "upgrade" from me? That language is super gross and objectifying but I just needed some reassurance. I so wish I were one of the women here on SI that have husbands who cheated with unattractive women. Not the case with my husband. The feedback I get from others is that I’m attractive. But since the infidelity I need reassurance. I started crying and, because he often drops me emotionally, it was really hard to be vulnerable. But I did it anyway. I told him how I was feeling about the post and said through tears, "Did you cheat because you were trying to upgrade from me?" He didn’t come over and try to hold my hand, he didn’t try to rub my back, he didn’t make any sympathizing sounds. He waited a bit while I sobbed and then said, in kind of a monotone, "No … it was just the addiction." I cried some more, pretty hard, and he just sat there.

What would I want to happen? A gentle touch, a compassionate voice, maybe a statement like, "why would I need to upgrade from you - someone I find beautiful? I’m so sorry you fee this way. This was about me and my problems."

I cried some more and then walked up the stairs to the bathroom, still crying pretty hard. He didn’t follow me. Instead I hear him just standing at the bottom of the stairs filling up his water bottle with ice. I’m weeping and wrecked and he is making sure his ice bottle is filled with ice?!?

Tonight I asked him to please move into the basement guest room. I really don’t want to see him tomorrow. These incidents feel like small traumas and then when we make "amends" afterwards I have this scary feeling like maybe I’m trauma bonded to him (?). I figure not seeing him and doing an in house separation might help me understand the cycle? He refused to move any of his things downstairs and just plopped onto the basement couch and fell into a little blissful sleep as I moved all of his belongings downstairs.

Anyone else out there with a spouse that is awful at reassurance? Anyone else wondering about trauma bonding?

Hey there, responding because I can relate to what you're going through.

My AP was younger, thinner, gorgeous. It's brutal. I envy the people who can say "how did he risk everything for someone so unattractive?" Instead, I fine myself thinking well who can blame him? She's way hotter than I am..... So I get that.

When I feel that way, I try to use gratitude for my body, the things I like about myself, the things my body can do for me. I can recognize objectively that I am attractive and I like myself, and I'm really working on loving myself independent of what anyone else thinks of me. I also look at my other attributes. I'm smart, accomplished, caring, etc. all of these things she's not. Her beauty is only skin deep, she uses it like a weapon, probably because she hates herself deep down, and that power will fade with time. My beauty is through and through. I hope you can see these things within yourself!

I also saw that Facebook post recently and felt triggered. Things like that are such a slap in the face.

That being said, his reaction seems way out of line for 2 years into R especially after you've explicitly told him what you need in those moments. I'm guessing seeing your pain is still triggering the guilt and shame for him, and instead of rising above that to comfort you, he just wallows in it. Are you in marriage counseling? Maybe that will help navigate some of this, and help him really understand what you need and why. When we started MC I didn't think I said anything more or different than I had before, but it did feel like my H actually heard me for the first time.

All the love to you. You deserve to feel safe and cherished and beautiful.

It got me wondering, did my husband go after these women because he felt like they were an "upgrade" from me?

No. He went after those women because they were available and both he and APs lacked integrity. Have you read this in the JFO forum?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Shakira, etc. Behati Prinsloo is a Victoria's Secret underwear model. All gorgeous, and all were betrayed by their SO. My XWH gave me grief over my weight for years. I lost 150 pounds. AP outweighed me by 50 pounds before I lost weight. Doesn't make it any easier.

Our self-esteem takes a hit on dday. It is important to realize that the issue isn't you, how you look, what you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. The cheater has a problem with their moral character. Cheaters are going to cheat. Some have older APs, uglier APs, heavier APs, but the AP is also a cheater.

You need to become a BASGU - bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn (Thanks, Chaos!). You are the prize. Repeat that - you are the prize. Go buy the prettiest undies and things that make you feel good. Wear them all the time. Find a couple of outfits that make you feel like a BASGU. Wear them and remember that you're bad ass.

My XWH has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and I was trauma-bonded. It's very similar to being co-dependent. On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has some good videos about trauma-bonding and NPD abuse. You may find them helpful.

"Maybe right now, since I’m crying and upset, you could sit up and not lounge with your feet up and arms crossed casually behind your head?"

IMO, it's much better to ask, 'Will you, since I’m crying and upset, sit up and not lounge with your feet up and arms crossed casually behind your head?'

When my W is upset, I don't have many words; I just stay with her (unless we're fighting, which is rare for us). She, however, wants to hear soothing words. She has actually asked me innumerable times to speak specific sentences; sometimes she literally tells me what to say to soothe her. It feels artificial, at first, but she gradually taught me how to respond to her when she's under stress. I couldn't do that before she asked for what she wanted, even though I wanted to show love, because I couldn't read her mind.

Asking for what one wants is not intuitive in our culture, but it's very empowering. You empower yourself by stating a want, and you empower the other person by giving them a choice between giving and not giving what was requested.

The response, in turn, says a lot about where the relationship is going. Lots of genuine 'yes' answers with a few 'no' answers is positive for the relationship. Too many 'noes' or too many co-dependent 'yeses' are probably negative.

I know it's not intuitive, but asking for something is usually a lot more effective than telling someone what you want. Asking demands action, even if the responder says 'no' or ignores you. Telling does not.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:47 PM, Tuesday, September 3rd]

Thank you all for the encouraging words.

I should have mentioned - he has all the words. I’ve written them out for him, asked him to practice with me, talked about it in therapy with him and on and on. I have no issues asking directly for what I need from him. He just won’t do it. It breaks my heart.

And then there is the gaslighting, but that’s another topic I guess.

He drops me emotionally, it feels like absolute shit, I feel wrecked, and then I want to be with him again to be soothed. I think it’s trauma bonding (?). I’m in a dark place, to say the least.

Thank you for the YouTube suggestion regarding trauma bonding. I’ll check it out.

I hear you and live this same life. My WH had affairs starting 1 yr into marriage (1990) thru (2009), as far as I KNOW.

In past 2 yrs, I have been hit hard by PTSD due to stuffing down feelings and not making marriage recovery a priority. We started therapy together in 2009 and did well for a few years until parents got sick, kids issues and life took over. When PTSD hit a couple of years ago, it blindsided me. I took a chance and told WH what I was feeling, expecting to be validated and helped through the pain HE created. He did nothing to help me. He turned it around and did the "What about how I feel?!" which shut me down and made it 100 times worse.

He stopped having sex with me at that time (2 yrs ago). HE stopped with ME, because of how HE felt about my lack of empathy for HIM and all the health issues HE had been going through over the last 10 yrs. I scoffed at this and stood my ground, telling him either he gets into IC to figure out why he is the way he us (unable to do something I need from him WVEN WHEN I WRITE IT DOWN FOR HIM AS REFERENCE, just like you did!) or we are done. I called lawyers to see about my divorce options at 60 yrs old and realize how much it will stink starting over and losing MY beloved house (my only safe space, as it is my childhood home we bought when my father passed in 2013.)

It took 18 months of me standing my ground and not giving into his drama and self-absorbed victimization before he started IC last month. He is trying hard to understand why he has to focus on his past. I can see how his past shaped him today, and wish I would've taken that into consideration when I was 24 yrs old!

Nothing much changes with regard to how WE are, as he still can not hug me when I need him too, he doesn't reassure me, no validation or accountability for the issues HE has caused. He just sits there as if HE is obligated to be there and will bolt the second he has permission. It wears you down emotionally. He says he feels like I am beating him up about everything all over again. I say, "Yeah! Exactly how I feel when YOUR choices are haunting me 35 yrs after YOU chose to disrespect me, repeatedly! Your selfish choices messed up MY life. I get beat up over it EVERY DAY. YOU messed this marriage up! YOU need to be the one to make the BIG changes right now to fix it, or get out!" I was serious and he realized it, finally. Thats when he chose to go to IC. What comes of it, is up to him.

I refuse to do MC until he makes progress in IC, since every therapy session wevbeen in as a couple gets sidelined by his "inability" to comprehend basic needs on my part and how to MEET MY NEEDS. I swear, we'd spend the whole session with therapists trying to help him understand what it meant to "take your wife on a date and pursue HER with the same enthusiasm as you pursued your AP's" I figure I'll let him learn how to communicate with IC before he angers me more in MC. It sounds like your WH is similar to mine in that regard. In the many years since DD #2, he has yet to actually "meet me needs".

When I begin to feel down like you are lately, I have to force myself to validate my OWN WORTH and to remember HE made choices that did not include my input. HE is the one that must carry his weight of consequences, not me. I do my best to give back to him that which I do not own (the guilt over not being good enough for him, the feeling I am not pretty enough, the focus on making MY body better, etc...)

We can spend the rest of our life wondering why we weren't good enough, or we can turn it around and drill into our OWN heads that we've ALWAYS been good enough and it is "them" that now need to prove their worth in OUR life.

I still am suffering with PTSD and see IC for myself. It's new therapy, so not yet seeing dramatic results. But, I feel a bit more confident and that is good.

Let go of trying to force your WH into something he obviously can't or won't do at this time. Find a way to bolster your own self worth and take the advice of the poster telling you to buy the sexy underwear and feel good about YOU for a change. Once you do even a little of that and your attitude naturally shifts, it is wierd how the WH pucks up on that and changes as well (i.e. less arrogant and self-assured around me when I am in good mood and happy... he wonders why I am happy and not moping around in sadness, yet not pestering him for validation). I am coming to realize that I don't know where my marriage is going to end up, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life reliving the agony and pain of HIS choices. I AM WORTHY OF HONEST AND KIND LOVE. So are you, so be kind to yourself and tell yourself that... in a mirror... until you believe it! I'll keep doing the same and we'll see how it turns out.

After 2-1/2 years and five MCs, the last one fired us when I discovered my UH had maintained emailing with the AP the whole time, "gently trying to let her go."

In the next session with us, she said, "stay married or don’t. He just admitted he knew it was wrong and he knew it would devastate you. He’s not changing and you are trauma bonded. Stay in personal therapy."

She told him that he had made her an accomplice to gaslighting me. He says since she didn’t know, he didn’t make her a co-conspirator. This just was a new level of shock to my system.

My UH sat there like a lump. He still can’t understand why this straw broke the camel’s back.