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General :
A story.....of reconciliation?

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 Phosphorescent (original poster new member #84111) posted at 11:09 AM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

I am going to tell you the story of me... As a child.

I am the third child and only girl. My parents divorced when I was just 6 months old. You guessed right. My father met another woman, he was much richer than my mother, he thought he was inluuuuv, they divorced.

I never saw them together, I never experienced being in one family. We were coming and going from one house to the other. There were fights and "hatred". You had to take sides. Constantly. You had to choose where to go for Christmas or new years' or Easter or summer vacations. Who was the loneliest and to whom you had to be a good daughter or son.

My father's luuuuv lasted 6 months. I think it ended as soon as he got divorced. As his daughter, I would say that he met a lot of women, he even got married and divorced again, but his life was generally sad.

My mother, who was in general an angry woman, met my stepfather two - three years after the divorce and stayed with him for another 35. He was a good, gentle man. He died in 2021.

So my mother was alone and my father was alone. They call each other because my mother wanted to borrow something from my father. He invited her to stay with him for a little while. Because "he is alone and she is alone" . After some time, He gave her the ring of their wedding (she had lost hers). They are together the last 15 months. She is 78. My father is 82. I am 45.

Last Christmas I was kind of shocked that I managed to talk to wish to both of them merry Christmas in one call. I was shocked that I saw them sleeping together in the same bed. I am shocked that they seem to get along and my mother seems to manage his sad personality like nobody else did.

I Let them watch my children for a few days during summer for the first time. My dad was absolutely happy... Beyond words.... My mother too.

A friend of mine told me:"you know, actually your parents just gave you the finger". She is right. They divorced, they fought, they lived their lives, we suffered, all three of us, and, because of age differences, we suffered in different ways and in different degrees and NOW they got back together.

I just said to them, that now there is no going back. That's it. Our kids saw them together and they are not going to play with them too. "So put any minor problems aside".

My parents don't know about me and wh. I don't know what to do with that story, and I know it's a little flat... But I guess I have to present it as flat because for us, the kids, me and my brothers, this is a straight line from then to today....

Trying

posts: 23   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2023
id 8848169
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 1:17 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

Just another reminder it’s the kids who are the casualties of infidelity.

I am sorry for your pain.

Why not tell your parents about WH-they had a hand in wiring you.

To put a bright side on this, you got a great step dad to grow up with. Sounds like he may have been your real dad, and the real hero in the story.

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 183   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8848176
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 1:33 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

What a story! Rife with painful memories for you and your brothers, but while your parents live, at least there is an opportunity for late life growth.

When we have self-focused parents, it is always going to be the case that we children suffer from the psychic wounds of their neglectful upbringing. We are so accustomed to it that we block out most awareness of how little they thought to give us. Your friend was pointing that out to you, but sadly, it won't bless you today if you focus on that aspect, either. Kind of a no-win for you.

I could share so many examples of how a narcissistic parent always relates to their children from a fixed perspective of 'themselves first and foremost,' but I sense you know all about that! I'll just say that at the end of my father's life (ages 84-88) every 'decision' his diminished capacity allowed him to make, invariably fell 100% to what he thought best for himself. We siblings paid a huge price in terms of how he used us to meet his needs as he made one or the other of us the 'bad kid.' At least his will was equitable, but my burdened brother felt entitled to confiscate the entire estate to pay himself back for his troubles. Thus passing on the legacy of his selfish Dad.

posts: 2179   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8848177
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:44 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

Ugh - this is one of my biggest fears; that my parents get back together again. It happened once already and ended the same way (he created).

BUT I think she would do it again!

I think that is why this sentence stuck out to me:

I just said to them, that now there is no going back. That's it.


What does that mean to you? Do you mean if they split up again; you are writing them both out of your children's lives? Or did you mean if he cheats (or your mom), that you expect them to stay together?

I know a few couples like this that reconciled in the autumn of their lives. I sure hope that doesn't happen to me. laugh

posts: 6928   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8848179
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 Phosphorescent (original poster new member #84111) posted at 1:58 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

Neglect, uneasiness... When all the other kids were in one home, we had to pretend, to believe, that we were the "modern" family.
I think that kids need above all else, stability. Even if a marriage ends, the kids must have one home, one pot of food. And although I know that people around me, enters wh, haven't the depth of experiences that I have, because of that experience, I don't want it for my kids. And in that respect I don't wallow in self pitty or shame for staying after dd. Even more so, because that chosen course of action is combined with feelings for my wh that are very much alive.

I don't plan to tell anything to my parents because they are light years away from what we call the "high road". No need to add another problem...

And yes, of course, even though me and my brothers were best of friends as kids, the connection was easily broken, because there was no nuclear family to keep us together in the first place. The egotistical choices of my father too, didn't help either...

Trying

posts: 23   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2023
id 8848180
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 Phosphorescent (original poster new member #84111) posted at 2:06 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

Evenkeel my father is 82 😂... Can he cheat again??? I mean... Come on...🥴
I think that their biggest problem, apart from the cheating was their personalities. Two stubborn individuals, in the 80s, when everything was possible... I was playing a little bossy with them, trying to tell them, in the language that they understand, that there are things more important than fighting about the temperature in the house and figuring out that this is a deal breaker.... In your 80s....

Trying

posts: 23   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2023
id 8848185
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

82 isn't dead. Still plenty of opportunity to betray one way or another.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30400   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8848205
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 Phosphorescent (original poster new member #84111) posted at 6:19 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

Yep! That's true....

Trying

posts: 23   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2023
id 8848226
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