So sorry you are experiencing this. It's been 5 years and not much has changed ------because you can't singlehandedly "turn the tide" on 36 years of marital dysfunction. It's great you're setting some boundaries, but realistically this may not be enough to shift the marriage. It takes TWO equally invested partners to recreate a marriage. His minimization of OW behaviors/effect on you and unwillingness to protect you from OW and former friends show HIS priorities = rug sweeping uncomfortable thoughts and avoiding uncomfortable situations, and hoping you'll just move on already. Gently, sounds like his needs outweigh your needs, so why should he work to make change since the status quo is working for HIM just fine? Being stuck serves his priorities. And he knows you're not going anywhere
Most important, it's been 5 years and you still don't feel SAFE. You must be in a constant state of hyper-vigilance - with mentally unstable OW popping up around town, dealing with her toxic incursion into former friend group, AND anticipating when that proverbial next shoe may drop - fearing H may suddenly go ahead and leave. Years of managing enormous stress can take a toll both mentally and physically. Gracey, this unsafe situation must be making you sick.... literally.
Life is too short to live this way. Somethings gotta give - hope the breaking point doesn't involve chronic stress related physical illness, or PTSD. Yes, it's hard to walk away. If you're not ready to end the marriage, is there ANY way to at least get some separation and space away from him and threat of OW for a while? A sane room where you can figure out what comes next? Is a trial separation in another town a possibility? Money doesn't grow on trees, but your sanity and physical health must be YOUR priorities - your wellbeing doesn't seem to be on his list of priorities.
Gracey, some respite from the daily limbo you struggle with could help to dial down the hyper-vigilance and help kick start healing. Turning your focus towards you WITHOUT him in your space, WITHOUT constant worries about "state of the marriage" AND the crazy town situation dictating every thought could help gain clarity - help visualize a different way to live. Maybe even prompt H to remove his head from his posterior - a trial separation and your willingness to shake up the status quo (lose the marriage to save the marriage) could be a wake up call. Bet after investing in YOU and taking some time away from the constant mental feedback loop that keeps you focused on his needs (at your expense), and after experiencing how it feels to be free of the town circus outside the front door, you'll feel strong enough to finally get unstuck.
Wishing you peace and healing, and the courage to put yourself first for a change.
[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:23 PM, Thursday, October 3rd]