I'm not sure what I've shared here and what is news, so if this is disjointed or confusing, I apologize.
This past year things have been increasingly bad. I was continuing to be the dependable doormat, taking care of everything, including his grieving sister, planning and executing bil's memorial, meanwhile his face was in his phone 24/7, he ignored me unless it suited him, and he continued to up his acceptance and encouragement of flirting with M, the family friend on his side. I think you knew all this. His porn and alcohol addiction was extreme. I had been promised years prior that both would change, but empty promises. So i spent the summer diving into his timeline, which I stumbled upon while looking through his history and google account. 9 years of looking at every single day showed me that he had many times spent parts of days or series of days off and on at a number of local hotels. That is what triggered me to just look through every single day for 9 years. It took most of the summer. As time went on and I discovered more things I could not explain, behaviors while out on work trips staying at hotels that were not his, being out til all hours of the night, etc.... At one point I found that he was visiting an apartment about 30 minutes from here that we have never known anyone living there. Over the course of a month back in 2017 he was there 3 days for hours at a time. He visited a lawyer on 2 occasions about 45 minutes from here while I was out of town back in 2020. Plenty more, but you get the picture. I created a written timeline, laid it all out to my adult kids, then to my siblings. Finally I confronted him but decided to only get into the current issues, the porn, his behavior with M, his addictions to both alcohol and creepy online content and behavior and mainly what had been going on in the last 4 years from my discovery of hpv in my mouth (he now is trying to claim the doctors were wrong since I never got the definitive test results after they were lost). I left the timeline info out of it because honestly it was so disturbing I was worried he would lose his shit at being found out, become suicidal or aggressive, plus I needed to try to get myself to a more stable position both financially and literally.
I opened a bank account and kept it private. I consulted with a lawyer before the original confrontation, but in late august I had confrontation #1. I asked him to leave, to give me time to process and heal. He did not want to leave. Said it might mean he wouldn't be allowed back. I let him stay a few more days but then couldn't take it anymore and asked him firmly to leave. He went to his sister's house. A few days later after not hearing a word from the sister, who had become a very close friend of mine for the past 10 or so years, I asked if I could stop by and talk. She was home and he was at work. Eventually I started the conversation, asking her what she knew and what he had told her. In true form he had told her that a few months ago he had looked at porn and I had found out and kicked him out. Like seriously.
I filled her in on the truth of the matter, that he was STILL looking at porn at multiple different sites, multiple times a day, plus looking up "hot" "nude" "naked" pics of literally any woman who crossed the tv screen while I sat next to him, every single day, all day long. Add in the alcohol, which has been a HUGE issue for decades and I told her he was flat out lying about some things and grossly minimized most of it. We talked about the HPV, about M, she thinks M is totally awesome, said that is just how she is as far as flirting, when I questioned why she doesn't behave like that with ANY of the other men in our circles, INCLUDING the one single guy, she had no answer. When I told her M had sent a private meme to my husband in messenger which was a joke about anal sex, her face went white. Long story short, she seemed like she understood my side, gets that he rarely if ever takes responsibility and hides guilt in everything and I felt good about the talk. Turns out not to be true, as more recently he told me she told him to watch out for me, that I was planning something.
The next week I had planned to take a short trip to to visit with my sister inlaw, married to my husband's brother. We have a lot in common, get along great and I wanted her perspective as a woman married to the brother of my husband. Even though they didn't grow up together, she gets it. The visit went great, we both got to vent about a lot of things and she was supportive and helpful. I told her the same things I had told my husband's sister, which is to say I didn't get into the timeline from years back.
He had come home while I was gone to take care of the pets, and when I got back he didn't leave. I could feel myself sliding back into what I call the "lukewarm soup" of routine. I was noticing that SIL and niece both were consistently interacting with M's enormous amount of social media posts, big time, meanwhile my occasional posts were ignored. I started to sense what I expected, which was that I would be the bad guy. Whatever.
He started therapy but was minimizing, of course. The therapist recommended 1 session every two weeks, which to me was hugely too little. He made it seem like he drank a little too much and looked at some porn once in a while and that was it. I was distancing myself, doing what I needed to, took a couple more short trips to see family. I started using I instead of WE and he noticed. He confronted me, somewhat angry. We had several other sporadic confrontations. At one point he said "this isn't working" and I said what isn't and he said, this relationship. I said okay, we literally just started this process less than 2 months ago and you have done the bare minimum and I'm supposed to just get over it all and shut the fuck up right?
So somehow we get into a better space, or I'm just accepting the routine again. He had been asking me why my siblings were behaving weird around him and why the kids were behaving strangely. But honestly, his relationship with our kids has been pitiful for many years now. He doesn't reach out, doesn't accept anyone having different opinions or views, and I have always said why do I and the kids get the worst of you? Meanwhile he is "saint" to everyone else to their faces.
So my kids had a conversation with me and said mom, when are you going to finally tell him the rest of the timeline? Being honest, I knew this would be the hardest one of all, so I had been avoiding most definitely. I agreed and had that conversation november 1st. A rough day to say the least.
He was extremely defensive, angry, and had no good explanation for any of it. Had no idea who lived in that apartment, how should he remember anything that long ago, never been to that lawyer's office, and accused me of WANTING to find dirt on him in order to look like the good guy and leave like I always planned. He said he was leaving. I said no, I will leave if you want me to. No he says, but also, why did you agree to leave so quickly? Suspicious of ME?
We go to bed, I say good night, he says nothing. Next morning he has to go to SIL's to oversee a contactor for her. When he comes home he gets his suitcase and starts packing. I ask, are you moving out? He says no, I just can't be here right now. Then says, see ya (literally) and left. That was the last I have heard from him. For our kids birthdays he texted them, saying he wanted them to hear "his side". They both told him their birthday was not the time. Then he asked about plans, they told him and he said have fun.
So, I'm here at the house. My kids and their significant others are being so supportive and encouraging to me.
Quite honestly I expect papers from him at any time, especially given his silence and running. It won't matter because of the state I live in. He basically accused me of snooping on him, but when I pointed out I had NEVER needed to do so or worried before and I was 100% justified in digging after his behavior, he had nothing. So no defense. Nothing legitimate anyway, one lame attempt at explaining a super weird few days years back. Basically trying to say it is normal to do interviews and training in hotel rooms, specifically hotels that do not have conference rooms and aren't typically used for training. The rest of the written timeline he took with him to his sister's and I haven't heard a peep. This to me damns him even more. Instead of fighting for me, explaining in any way he could, he makes me the bad guy and runs.
I've since been told by SIL that he group texted all of his siblings to tell them we were having problems and he was at his sister's house and if they wanted to hear his side of the story to let him know.
So that's my dumpster fire of a life at the moment. I love my kids so much though and this is only making our relationships so much better.
Thanks for letting me dump. I'm not crazy. I'm not the bad guy. I've done nothing wrong. I keep saying that like a mantra.
