SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cant win if you're scared.

Can't appease the person that robbed pieces of your heart by giving them more of the heart they didn't care about in the first place.

To be brutal. There's always better quality sex out in the open. If her excuse is it's not good enough, what's to stop her seeking fulfillment elsewhere again?

You've essentially rubberstamped her reasons are valid and should be catered to, regardless the violation it may bring to your person.

I know I’ve said it before but I want to thank you all for your support, intuitiveness and advice. This forum is terrific therapy. It’s better than going to therapy.

Update. We had a big talk yesterday, kids were at school and we each had the day off, post "vacation".

She says that she keeps thinking of being in a new house by herself and it seems to make her happy. She looks happy when she talks about it. She initially asked if we could keep everything the same (finances etc) but another house and we would continue on, or keep living together but separated until the kids are old enough to be on their own. Well the youngest has 11 years to go before 18.

Needless to say I told her I wanted nothing to do with those scenarios and that we would have to draw papers up to arrange separation details. Within a half hour she says she doesn’t want things to change and she loves me but is "emotionally closed" to me and she doesn’t see how she can get over that. I told her that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me and that includes emotionally open. She was pretty disdainful towards me during our conversation and even called herself a "cunt" for the way she was talking and behaving. She has been getting increasingly selfish, even during our trip, I could go on and on but I won’t.

We didn’t say much the rest of the day and I went to bed early. I got the guy feeling again that she might still be talking to the OM. She was back to the old ways of staying in the bathroom for extended periods of time and getting out of bed throughout the night and taking her phone with her and upon returning I could see her closing a texting app. And she is back at work today with him.

I told myself I wasn’t gonna say anything to her about it and stay distant and had plans to meet with a lawyer today.

The second lawyer meeting went far better than the first and now I have a clearer picture of things. It’s an unfortunate time of year, scheduling wise, to try to deal with lawyers for this stuff.

Today she texts me and asked how i was feeling. So I told her I was angry hurt and upset by the way she talked to me and that I had a gut feeling that she was back to her affair ways.

She responded with she isn’t gonna be able to continue this asking questions, phone watching etc because it’s gonna drive her crazy.

She asked to cancel our second MC appt, due to kids scheduling but then admitted she doesn’t see herself changing how she feels.

Like some of you have said on here that her behaviour may be a gift in disguise. I’m starting to see it that way as well.

I think the next step is to sit down with her and come up with separation details.

One month to the day of DDay. Things come at you fast sometimes.

The updates and advice thereafter are therapeutic for me I find. So thank you for allowing me the time.

"is "emotionally closed" to me and she doesn’t see how she can get over that . . . She was pretty disdainful towards me during our conversation"

Right out of the Limbo books.

She’s not going to get over that.

If disrespect and contempt show up, it’s because she blames you for all this. You’re filling the villain role and that’s likely forever.

Sorry.

I’ve read a good chunk of one of the Limbo books and yup I agree she fits in there well and it was a huge eye opener to where we are at/dealing with.

She has always had a level of disrespect in how she talked to me and I always chalked it up to her upbringing in a household with parents always treating eachother that way, but the disrespect volume has certainly been turned up. Another big eye opener.

Oh my friend...she is going down a path of destruction. She is openly dishonoring you...absolutely no remorse. I guess you are right, maybe a blessing for you ....no need to wonder where she is at. Please, please document everything and start protecting your family. It will be crucial to get all you can to backup this new open lifestyle she wants to live...so the court will see you should have primary custody. Her lifestyle she is going to enter will be NO PLACE for children to be around. Work fast in this case .....

Lord guide and protect you.

Sorry to read this. Your WW has checked out and rewritten your marital history to make you the bad guy. It’s the only way she can rationalize her betrayal. She will cling to this narrative. Best to get the separation details in writing. For your own mental health do a hard 180. Do not engage or argue with her. Not idle talk. Converse on finances and kids issues only. She is gone. Save yourself from more emotional pain. Become a gray rock. Learn the phrase: "sorry you feel that way" and then let it drop. Focus on you and your kids. Get IC for you to deal with this trauma and counseling for your kids if needed. Don’t pain shop on social media. You will get through this to a better place.

Martyt, you’re just going to have to go by faith here, but the following three items are FACTS, not opinions:

1. You’re going to be OK
2. You’re going to be (objectively) BETTER OFF without her
3. In time, you will be (much?) happier than you are now

Trust me on this. Take it to the bank!

For 99% of men in your shoes, you will also be pleasantly surprised how many women will be interested in you, when/if you reach the point of wanting another relationship. So many BH’s can’t believe what life is like with a quality woman. It’s like they never even dreamt being treated lovingly and respectfully was even possible. You’ll get there, if you want to.

Woodthrush2, fareast and gr8tful, thank you for your words. It isn’t possible for me to express the appreciation I have for all who have responded to me here.

I fully believe that brighter days are ahead….at some point in the future. Just a matter of one minute at a time sometimes. Moment by moment, day by day and eventually months down the road one looks back and sees things have improved. Hard to see the small incremental improvements while in the middle of the whirlwind

I was hoping that there wouldn’t be an update but here we are

She was working this week with the OM. She doesn’t often get overtime but Wednesday she gets offered some and takes it. Thursday she says she gets asked again for overtime and asks what she should do. I say do whatever you want. She says she is going to work it but is sad because she misses the kids from working late.

My gut feeling is kicking in big time. A few hours go by and no response to texts regarding the kids sporting events that I’m at with them. But her phone is showing at her office. She usually responds within minutes. I call her office. Nope she worked days today and left at 5. Gut is right again.

Her overtime is til 9pm. 8:06 she texts and says how sorry she is and how swamped they’ve been. I ask her to take a pic of herself in the office. Surprisingly she does but looks like she has been out drinking. She texts and asks if she can go out for a quick drink with friends after work. I said I think we need to talk so probably better that she comes home.

I ask her to FaceTime me because the wall behind her could very well be a hotel also. Amazingly FaceTime just won’t work. She voice calls and hangs up quickly after I ask her where she has been.

Well she was out from Christmas drinks with the OM and one other person she works with who I know well. He didn’t know about their history. I spoke to him to confirm the story and he said they went out for drinks and he left at 7 and they told him they were right behind "just gotta finish our beers". So an hour or so later is when she texted me about being swamped.

Another whirlwind of lies, trickle truth, "it was nothing" "there isn’t anything there"

This morning she opens up a bit and admits to having continued talking with the OM outside of work but not necessarily daily. Admits that they did kiss once, in an elevator at work, and she held his hand comforting him last night because she was counseling him regarding his girlfriend and asking him why he would stay with her when he is looking for others outside of their relationship

Allegedly no other physical aspect to the affair. But she couldn’t comprehend how her going for drinks with him was a continuation of the affair until I said, put yourself in my shoes and you see me out with another woman having drinks together

It truly is baffling

Marty, you are trying to navigate two roads here. And it will not work.

You are supposedly moving towards D--wise choice! But here you are STILL trying R, excuse me, Doing The Pick-Me-Dance, with your unremorseful unrepentant WW. You need to stop that ASAP!

What do you and WW possibly have to "talk" about? She snuck out for "overtime" to hang and maybe even bang OM. She already knows that it is wrong and she isn't even sorry. She is basically playing you for a sucker. And here you are still wanting to "talk". Do you see the nonsense in this too?

Keep in mind that your WW's actions have you asking one of her coworkers for details. Like it's OK if she hung out with OM one-on-one and held his hand as long as it was only for a bit and that was it. Talk about humiliating! How much more disrespect are you going to take?

Next time WW texts you asking "is it OK if I..." a better response is do whatever the hell you want, we are D-ing.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:09 PM, Friday, December 20th]

By the way, I know what I wrote sounded really harsh. You are in serious pain and of course you are stumbling around a bit. The details of your WW's evening have you searing in pain, both in what you found out and in what you still don't even know yet. You really badly want relief from this pain, even if it means reaching out to people like your WW's coworker (the one who is not the OM coworker) for some sort of assurance that "nothing that bad" happened. (Even though it did happen.) We all get that man. But sometimes we all need a harsh pattern interrupt.... Right now your goal should be to be ANGRY at your WW.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:26 PM, Friday, December 20th]

I prefer harsh vs wish/washy. So thank you.

This week we were moving towards/discussing legal separation but talk of reconciliation while separated was also going on. Hence my shock to this continuing on. Maybe I’m just very naive or too trusting of her intentions when we have these talks.

Also I think when I see a glimmer of potential actual reconciliation via her accepting her role in this I get hopeful.

It’s awful.

And the talk with the coworker was to affirm/confirm info she provided as I don’t believe much of what she was saying.

And yes it is humiliating. But it has the spin benefit of a trusted coworker now knowing about their affair. Shed light on it

[This message edited by Martyt at 8:31 PM, Friday, December 20th]

The thing is, you need a helluva lot more than a glimmer, nevermind that you are hardly even getting that. So many stories on here of a WW begging for another chance (nevermind showing a "glimmer") after BH "finally" decided to be moving towards D and the BH caved and decided to give WW another chance--and then WW ended up lfaking, most of the time with her still in the affair! And truth be told--you don't even have that. You hardly even have this glimmer you speak of either frankly.

ALMOST EVERY BH who stays with his WW ends up feeling like the henpecked husband. You deserve better than that Friend!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:52 PM, Friday, December 20th]

Wow! Preplanning a meeting with the AP and covering it up by lying to you in advance would be the final deal braker for me – not to even mention the kiss and hand holding. She’s still very much in the A and will be until you pull the cord. The chances of her becoming a safe partner are pretty slim. It's time for no more Mr. Nice Guy.

RE the coworker: They already knew about the affair without you checking up on them. They may pity you--as far as they see it you are really scratching for crumbs there. But there sure is no guarantee on confidentiality. Chances are more people than OM and bystander co-worker will end up finding out about her affair and your actions!

You deserve FAR better than to be pitied--certainly better than to be pitied by other people (including other *men*) in WW's office.

ETA: Meanwhile, are you POSITIVE that this coworker is not actually a **co-conspirator**? I sure as hell would not be. Unsure2019 already mentioned this^^^ and frankly I was SERIOUSLY mistaken myself to have NOT mentioned it before (my previous posts assuming that coworker was just a witness, a bystander).

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:08 PM, Friday, December 20th]

She's deep in the fog, in limerence, infatuated with the AP, whatever label you want to put on it. It's a fantasy world that she'll follow at any cost. She's already a proven cheater and a liar. So don't be surprised at anything. A woman (or man) in that situation will do anything to keep the fantasy going. They'll beg, borrow, steal, lie.. Whatever it takes. So there will be no reconciliation right now. It could happen down the road, but right now she'll do whatever it takes to feed the fantasy, and she has no concern about how it affects you.

Many, many years ago I caught my fiancée getting ready for a date with someone else. I so, so wish I had walked away from her that night. Instead, I tried to put it back together, and she said she had quit seeing the bastard OM. A year and half later I found him in her apartment. She "claims" she did quit seeing him for a while, but I have my doubts. Doesn't matter anyway, since she started it right back up with him. She was a liar, a cheater and betrayer. That is what your wife is.

Five years later I married her, after a long breakup. We've been married for decades now.

Martyt

I’m sorry to read here that your wife is still lying and cheating.

Dday2 (which you just had) was the dealbreaker for me. That was the day I told my H I had no choice but to D him due to his continued cheating.

I’m certain he had ended the affair for the second time a few hours before I found out about his continued lying and cheating. However to me, there was nothing left and the only option was to D.

I’m not sure how we were able to Reconcile from the brink of D but somehow we did. I can tell you it took me one year to stop waking up every day thinking "I cannot do this. I need to D him". I certainly didn’t help him one bit during the reconciliation process.

But 11 years later we are happily reconciled and just celebrated 36 years of marriage. It’s not the same marriage. I’m not the same doormat I was. I have trauma related issues (especially when it comes to money) but I am happy.

And yes it can happen but only if the cheating spouse makes amends and changes.

Marty....please my friend....keep the big picture view in mind here....remember this...

"She has just asked me via text, if as a birthday present to her, i could rent her a hotel room to go through with the having sex with this other guy (because its only about the sex she says) because then, in her words she would "know if it's a one and done" or if she wants to be alone."

She is still pursuing this man with vigorous intention. I would have serious questions about just a kiss and holding a hand.

Please protect yourself...hold yourself with honor. Protect your children. Is this a safe and nurturing example of a marriage and how a mother should be conducting herself?

Please....

Marty ....I am having this picture in my mind of a scene in a movie where a terrible accident has happened with a family in deadly car wreck....a woman crawls out of an overturned, crushed smoking car...in which all her family is obviously dead....

She wanders around and response personal find her calm as a cucumber, smiling, and saying everything is going to be OK.

Friend.... consider...you may honestly in a state of shock. And I mean that in a clinical sense....not a figure of speech. Please talk to someone who has YOUR INTERESTS ONLY in mind.

Why is your wife even in the same county as this man?