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This is my first post and I don't really know where to start. I am 11 months out from DDay but still totally in the middle of my WW's tornado of a mid life crisis meltdown. My WW has had mental health issues for years before her A, and after supporting her through many, many tough stretches and taking care of her the best way that I could (including getting her to find professional help) it was apparently a big reason that she felt like I was a parental role to her and she no longer felt "in love" with me. So she found an AP at work with mental health issues having his own mid life crisis (also married) to feel like she was in an "adult relationship"

We have 3 kids (17, 14, 11), who I have somehow managed to keep out of the heart of the tornado for the past year, but I am running out of strength to keep this up. I know that I have been unable to give my best effort as a parent while I have been trying to take care of myself and my WW has so many issues in her mid life crisis that she cycles through destructive cycles (which mostly impact me) and has made only made snail paced progress on herself even with therapy.

My heart hurts when I think of all the damage that will occur if the tornado touches down. Our kids are going to be devastated if we separate or divorce and I am terrified of how my WW will react when the kids respond to such a traumatic event. I have loved my
WS for over 26 years and it has been excruciating to watch her struggle with mental health issues for a number of years. I know that she won't be able to handle the behaviors that come with kids dealing with divorce and how it will impact all of our lives. But, she can't get over the addiction of her AP who keeps the fantasy "affair fog" active.

I am fully aware that this is a toxic situation for me and I have been actively choosing to be the lightning rod. I have absorbed about as much pain and hurt as I can stand. It also is becoming evident that I will have to be the one to take action as that has been the case from DDay. I guess I am just reaching out for support and see if anyone that has been in an "In Home Separation" without the kids knowing. Even some kind words for strength would be appreciated.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Do you have a therapist/counselor? If not, I would make it a high priority to find one soon. You need more support than you are currently getting.

I don’t have experience with in-home separation, but I can’t imagine doing it without teenagers knowing. It’s admirable that you’ve tried to shield them from their mother’s dysfunction, but at the end of the day, you might need to be age-appropriately honest with them about where the marital relationship is. You don’t have to give tons of info or drag them into the nitty gritty, but pretending everything is fine when you are at the end of your rope isn’t sustainable or even healthy.

There are many people here who can give good advice about implementing a 180 (emotional detachment from a cheating spouse who is not remorseful or willing or capable of changing their destructive behaviors). To me it sounds like you’ve realized that you need to do this and that you’re too enmeshed with someone who has betrayed you and who is mentally ill.

What are your wife’s destructive behaviors, and how does she treat your kids?

Welcome to SI and so sorry for all of the pain. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are very helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a ton of resources.

I am sorry that your wife has mental health issues. FWIW, one of my sisters was schizophrenic and my other one is bipolar, so I have lived with mental health issues in the home.

Your children aren't blind and they see what is going on. I would recommend that you let them know what is going on in an age-appropriate way. They will model their relationships on what they see from you and your WW. Do you want them to be posting on a message board like this in 20 years? If the situation is toxic for you, it is also toxic for them. The tornado has already touched down.

R (reconciliation) takes two people working to make it work. It doesn't sound like your WW wants to R, so I suggest reading up on the 180 (Healing Library) and getting your ducks in a row. See a lawyer or several to see what D (divorce) would look like. You don't have to D, but knowledge is power and this may help you.

Also, please start IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. They can help you through the trauma that comes from infidelity. Your children may benefit as well. I also suggest looking for a NAMI group in your area to help deal with having a family member with mental illness.

I can't speak from the perspective of a parent in your situation, but I can give you feedback from the perspective of a child who lived through a similar situation.

You're fooling yourself if you think that your children are completely in the dark about your wife's mental health problems and the current state of your marriage, especially at their ages. There's no way that they could possibly be living in a home with the toxic dynamic you're describing and think that everything is fine-- not unless, perhaps, they've grown up so accustomed to chaos that their perception of "normal" is completely skewed. In fact, if your primary focus has been your wife and you've been more or less disengaged because of that, it's likely that you're not very well keyed in to what they're thinking or feeling about their home life.

Since you've described the state of your marriage and it's probable collapse as a tornado, the question you need to ask yourself is whether you're doing right by your kids by pretending everything is fine and there is no tornado... or if they would be better served by being honest with them (in an age-appropriate way) and providing them with the attention and support they will need when the tornado touches down.

I forgot to say something about the IHS (in-house separation). My children are adults and were in their mid- to late-twenties at the time, and I didn't hide it from them.

IHS is not fun. I did it for about 4-6 months while waiting for a place to open up where I wanted to be. I treated XWH (wayward ex-husband) like he was a really bad roommate. I stayed mainly in the bedroom or kitchen (my work desk was there.) Only spoke when I had to, cooked some dinners for both of us or didn't cook.

Her "big reason" is a bunch of horse poo. She had a million other choices she could have made without cheating on you. I hope you realize that the decision to cheat was 100% on her and had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do, said or didn't say.

You’ve been heard. Believe me, we all understand your pain. You have been traumatized. Please read Leafield’s responses again. She is exactly right about everything: lawyer, kids, NAMI, and especially a trauma specialist for you and maybe the kids. The only thing I would add is that you can tell your wife’s therapist about the affair. A therapist cannot tell you confidential information but may listen to third parties. As we used to advise docs, HIPAA is violated by the mouth, not the ears. I am guessing here but it sounds like your wife is off her meds and likes the feeling. Are you the meanie who harshes her manic high? Maybe her therapist can help her see the precipice she is ignoring. Is the AP in her chain of supervision? Ask the lawyer about her potential liability in the workplace but consider blowing up the affair via HR. Also, tell the AP’s wife what you know. Like on Dragnet, just tell her the facts you know, not your conclusions. She may have info for you, and many times the AP breaks off the affair when having to choose between his wife and an AP. And remember to take care of yourself. Eat and sleep. Workout. Your kids need a strong parent and you are it. Be well, Lmb.

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to share this with others who understand the type of situation that I am in. I had read and tried using the 180 resource for a bit, but honestly found myself not strong enough or ready to fully commit to it. I was holding on to hope of R, but as it has been pointed out that would take 2 people and that is not happening. I have seen an IC on occasion throughout these 11 months, but I will be honest that it feels mostly like a complaint session with suggestions of doing things that I am already doing to take care of myself (exercising, journaling, processing, taking time in my emotions).

For one thing, I have not beat myself up about what I have done to cause this, I know it was not my fault (which sometimes makes it more frustrating because I think I have been a very good spouse). We have seen 2 different MC and it is very evident that my WS's personal issues are the largest thing versus any relationship problems that have existed. A mother daughter dynamic that created a very low self esteem, a people pleasing mentality for approval and self validation comes along with that, and then the diagnosed bouts of depression, panic attacks, and anxiety attacks. NotsoGreat you are right on the spot with her not taking her meds on a regular basis and I am totally the harsh that brings down her "manic highs". Talking is too hard and our conversations always seem to end up highlighting that she has so much work to do!
Somehow, even seeing different therapist (although she has been on and off with this because it is too hard to work on herself and much easier to escape into emotional eating, retail therapy, DM's with AP, work, or other things to avoid), she somehow takes away the message from the therapist that she needs to be true to herself and her emotions. I'm sorry but telling a high estrogen, empath in the middle of a mid life crisis that she should be true to her emotions when she isn't spending any time reflecting or processing, just makes her feel that she should make a "fresh start" with the AP. It is like telling a drug addict that if it makes you happy then you should keep doing it. I am also baffled at the 2 different MC we have seen not really addressing the A as an immediate crisis and instead starting a long and lengthy process of examining our relationship for problems. Regardless of the therapy, my WW does not believe anything that anyone has told her (nobody sees her or understands that what she has with AP is real, it doesn't matter that he has nothing to lose and they have existed in a vacuum devoid of real life or responsibility). That ends my rant on that.

Thank you all for your support and suggestions.

What happened when you told the OMW about what was going on?

I feel you, I sleep on the couch and have for longer than I care to remember. The kids don’t know their loving mom is the wife of my nightmares.

It is hard every day, but it is worth the pain to see my kids and know they won’t have to spend 50% of their lives with whatever predatory a hole my WW will pick next. You are a good man and prove daily that you are better than she deserves. I hope you find the love you envisioned when you first married, You deserve it.

You are to be commended for all you have done to try to keep your life from unraveling, and I think you are doing an amazing job as a parent yo shield your kids from the issues in your marriage.

However there is a but here………

The "but" is your challenges in continuing to be an actor pretending all is well. Because it’s not.

Your wife has mental health issues. You recognize that. But now it’s causing you pain and problems too.

Yes D is ugly but it doesn’t have to be. You can co-parent and give your kids all they need - just from 2 households. My very good friend D a serial cheating narcissist. I was at her home recently at a kid event. The XH was there. Did she need to invite him? No. Most people would not but she did for the happiness and sake of her kids.

You should consider your own counselor to help you navigate YOUR life given your situation. You may have options you have not even considered.

Is your wife’s stuff in any way cyclical? Just that you mentioned the word manic, so wondering if there is an underlying bipolar condition or other disorder, cptsd or something, on top of all the other stuff you mention. Don’t want to pathologise/ over-medicalise unnecessarily but there may be some efficacy in psychiatric as well as psychotherapeutic help for her.

Anyway, you have a lot of life yet to live… how do you want to live it? It’s good that you’re seeing a therapist and that they are helping you with focus on your strategies for wellbeing. It’s also really good that you have someone independent to speak to. But are they challenging you at all? What about this tendency of yours to parentify? Assuming all the responsibility load for everybody? Are they helping you feel, acknowledge, process your emotions? What for example do you feel about your wife’s continuing abdication of responsibility? Why are you protecting her from the consequences of her behaviour (I understand you are also trying to protect the children… but…) The 180 will be hard for someone so habituated to assuming all the responsibility (perhaps even enabling) but you ARE strong enough, it is simply about taking the focus off her and putting the focus back on you, and trying to figure out your hopes, dreams, fears, perhaps even remember who you were before you became a carer for your wife. The wellbeing strategies are to help you with respite from stress and worry, so you can act from a calmer place. Keep with them.

[This message edited by Edie at 12:24 PM, Monday, December 23rd]

Lostmybalance, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I understand the desire to shield your children from pain. My kid was 13 when I found out, and I've done everything in my power to maintain calm, stability, and routine for her. I'm sure she figured something was up, but I don't think she knows (she's 15 now) the details.

We did in-house separation. I slept in a separate bedroom even before dday because WS had bad sleep apnea and snored like a freight train. I also developed a chronic illness (during his affair years), so I turned the "office" room downstairs into my bedroom so I don't have to go upstairs, which is very tiring for me. The chronic fatigue has been a major part of my "cover story" - and many times, the emotional stress has physically exhausted me, so it's not even a cover story but the full truth.

As of today, I'm still sick. WS has a CPAP now so he doesn't snore, but I have zero interest in joining in him in his (formerly our) bedroom. I think our kid is so used to us sleeping apart so often that she doesn't question it. In truth, if our marriage was in a good place, we would've set up a bigger bed in the downstairs room so WS could sleep with me.

So I guess my advice for IHS is to figure out a plausible reason for you and your WW to sleep in different bedrooms. It needs to be credible, especially given the age of your children. That said, don't be surprised if you start to care less that the kids find out as time passes and your WS's behavior fails to improve. IME, it took nearly 2 years for me to get there, but as time wore on, I got sick and tired (literally) of WS's lack of initiative and ability to change. If our kid finds out tomorrow, then I'll deal with her pain and the fallout. I no longer take any responsibility for the success or failure of R.

Wishing you luck through the holidays.