SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here I am again! Over 10 years later! I can't even describe the feelings I have right now.

Backstory - My WH was addicted to pills for almost 4 years going to rehab and off in 2013. He was straight up crazy with the Doctors help. While he was there my world crumbled around me. I found messages with all kinds of women, different dating sites etc. These were completely unhinged, he was manic by trying to get off of these pills himself. He had started various business and actually REGISTERED them with the IRS etc. He was being sued, he was in legal trouble. I found and took to the police station an entire gallon sized ziploc bag of various antidepressants, suboxone, ambien etc. It was insane. He was given the most random drugs to combat side effects of the others. I just knew I was going to find him dead from the mixture. This was all prescribed and he was taking them as told. He removed me from talking to this quack who was supposed to help him off of the oxycotin. He completed rehab, we did all the things, reconciled. I didn't really want to reconcile if I'm completely honest, I was fine with moving on but I had kids at home and we were all shell shocked so I decided to try. Let me say that it was a very long road back! When you are done and decide to learn to love someone again is not easy! I didn't do it for me, I did it for my family which at the time was more important because the kids were very angry.

Fast forward - I found out Saturday that he had sex with some woman he met at bar while I was on a business trip in November! He started drinking heavily in 2020 and hasn't stopped. He's been in a pattern of drinking at least a pint of hard alcohol starting in the middle of the day, waking up, go to work, then start again because of the hangover. He's definitely an addict and been blacked out and unhinged. After all the work he did to end up like this again. My kids don't know about this just the drinking. We have tried over the last 3 years to talk to him. He's not this person sober. I'm pissed! I need to get my finances in order so I'm stuck here with him. He wants to reconcile again! WTF!

My mind has been racing. I got tested for STDs yesterday. I had to tell my work I'm sick but can work from home. I'm a hot mess express. I'm not making any decisions right now about anything. I've decided that I don't owe anyone but myself. I shouldn't be surprised he did this but I am. I've been on high anxiety for at least a year because of the PTSD from a years ago. It has all creeped back. I've watched him want me to want him, respect him etc but the alcoholic behavior has not supported those things so he's feeling all shitty about himself and instead of getting sober he decides to be a victim that isn't wanted.

Anyway - I'm thankful this page exists. I'm a very private person but I need to vent

Sorry that you're back after 10 years. How awful! I hope you're able to get your ducks in a row quickly. Infidelity sucks.

You have to save yourself in this case. He just isn’t able to become the clean and sober person you need. He just isn’t safe and he isn’t going to stop. Take a deep breath and remember that you are stronger than you ever knew and you can extract yourself from this toxic situation.
Let us know what help you need from us here. And good job getting tested for STDs. Might be a good time to go see a couple lawyers as well. You don’t have to tell him- just go see them.

At this point, he knows he effed up and has answered my questions. He's remorseful, depressed etc. He found a IC to see today. I just have no words. If he doesn't understand it, I know I certainly never will. The really effed up thing is that when he isn't drinking he's not this person. He needs serious help and I can't be in a holding pattern on my life. The large decision that I have made is to liquidate everything, pay off all debt and then see where I'm at. This is a pivot from the plan to stay in this house etc. I'm not afraid to be alone, honestly I have been again for the last 3 years and maybe longer if I really look closely at it.

It just really sucks that it takes destroying me again for him to finally want help! My resentment is high at the moment. He watched what I went through and to do this again is like a knife in my back. I just don't know what to do with my anger right now. It's scaring me. I will probably just jump on the treadmill. Neither of us can eat, we haven't gone to work. I told him that he's on his own in this. I can support his decision to quit drinking and get help but I have to focus on myself and I need space right now.

He doesn't even know why. This woman isn't some great catch. The whole thing lasted a few weeks. He cut off contact but she kept trying and she did know he was married. So this tells me her character right there. I haven't had to drag anything out of him thankfully. My detective skill are pretty stellar at this point so I was able to validate most of it. He was drunk daily during this time and in some cases never stopped drinking. The amount of 3-4 day benders has been unreal. He says this never would have happened when he was sober. I don't know why but I do believe that. He's like Jekyll and Hyde like most addicts are and get so caught up in their own selfishness and pity they don't give a shit until it's too late.

again so grateful for this site. It does help to just write it out.

Al-anon may be a great resource for you.

Nothing will change unless he wants it to change.

Getting sober or clean for any other reason than HE WANTS TO DO THIS FOR HIMSELF isn’t going to last.

Protect yourself & kids. Do what YOU need to do for them.

I’d suggest counseling for you in any format you can. It will help you make tough decisions at the very least. You need support.

And stop having conversations w/ him. It is futile at this point.

We have tried over the last 3 years to talk to him.

Detach - acronym for don’t even try to change him. But you? What can you do for you? Al anon advice is to detach with love. And get your ducks in a row.