Funny you say this: "It's like he is at war with himself." I used to say this to my son all the time. He has many wayward tendencies.
So here's my question: where are you at post S/D? Are you content? Do you struggle? If so, how do you deal with it? What does your future hold?
To answer your questions, I’m in a completely new space post divorce. The person I am today can see straight through someone like my exWS. It baffles me to think about what I thought love was before. I celebrated crumbs of "love" while tolerating so much mistreatment, disconnection, dismissal, blame, and more.
I’m very content with where I am today. Post DDay I took about three years or so to move through necessary work with self to get to a space where my exWS was not a part of my world anymore. I moved on, she moved on, and I started to really challenge myself to put into practice enjoying my alone time.
I kept working at doing things that bring me joy. Small things first as I was very emotionally traumatized. I would celebrate getting out of bed, or doing the dishes. Eventually I got to where I was able to do more enjoyable things like reading, lighting up the house every morning, making my bed, turning on a candle, playing bossa nova, going to my boxing class, designing my space, journaling, singing. For so long I would focus on others and on responsibilities — I would often put myself on the back burner and had no idea how to listen to myself. I still struggle with this part in many ways, especially when I’m stressed. I’ll tend to fall back into not doing enjoyable things for self and then get into disassociation mode. I’m still in therapy working on some of that.
Overtime I would date but not for anything serious as I was not ready. My biggest fear in dating early on was falling back into codependency and not removing myself when I saw redflags, therefore getting hurt again.
I started off casually dating so I could practice paying attention to the redflags which I found I would spot early on, but still ignore and engage people that I knew were not in my best interest. I would fall back into the pattern of "maybe’s" — maybe they’ll change, maybe it was just a one time thing, maybe I’m being too harsh and not giving them a chance…the same excuses I gave my exWS that allowed for me to be in that for so long.
As I got better at removing myself I then got to a place of dating with intention and telling myself I absolutely would not settle. I kept reminding myself that finding someone that I deserve is like finding a needle in a haystack. So I kept looking and not settling. Eventually I found my current partner. I looked for redflags everywhere and didn’t see them. I wondered if I was missing something bc this had never happened before. But no. I’m not. He’s a wonderful person.
I do struggle. Sometimes I find that I still wonder, what if I’m missing something? Or I’ll have a trigger come from some completely innocuous behavior my partner does. When that happens I’ll take the time to identify the trigger, work through it, talk to my partner about it so he knows that I’m working through it while assuring him that it’s not his fault by any means. I remind myself of what’s true…he’s shown me he’s an honest man. He’s shown me accountability, and transparency even when he didn’t have to or I didn’t ask for it. He trusts me fully.He’s not possessive or controlling. He’s not my exWS. I remind myself of that.
I’m finding that as we grow in our relationship and as I continue to work through the triggers when they come — they start to subside. I’m learning to trust myself more which I think is the root of this whole thing for me. I’m still in therapy, still working on things — not so much infidelity related anymore but more so things that I’ve learned and carried from childhood, survival strategies that don’t serve me. I’m still also working at prioritizing my needs and doing for me. I communicate a lot more now. Whether it’s at work, in my romantic relationship, in my friendships, with my kids…I have more boundaries and more of a voice. Still have hurdles, but I see continued growth and evolution for me.
As I’ve focused my energy on myself in therapy I’ve learned so much and live so differently. Through that growth I got myself a beautiful living space with a lake view, I live on my own, I pushed and got a job that pays me better and treats me better, I made sure to have benefits and paid time off and a nontoxic work environment, I have a partner that I can lean on and trust, and I recently noticed I’m tackling a lot of my bigger to do’s on my list — some of which have been there for years that I didn’t do before bc I knew they would take a lot out of me and I wasn’t in a space to, but now here I am, able to do them. Stressful yes, but still! There’s momentum!
I’m much happier 🙂 life continues to throw me many major curve balls and I see now that I can handle them with much more patience and resilience than before. I feel like I have a sense of peace.
My therapist of 8 years is retiring in September. That’ll be a major transition for me. She’s helped me through infidelity and so much more. She’s been my safe space for a long time. Something she said that I liked was, "When we started together, you were processing your relationship coming to an end, now we are at a place in your life of new beginnings."
