SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really think you need to ask yourself how you see your future.

You have a lot of facts to answer your own questions. Take care of yourself.

He has shown and told you what kind of man he is. Believe him.

Sometimes we need to act on what we know, and sometimes even on what is probable.

For example: If you are walking along a dark area of town and hear what might be a gunshot... Would you walk towards the sound to discover the origin, or would you decide to walk a bit faster towards safety? Maybe even run?
Could be a firecracker. Or a tire blowing. Or a muffler. Or a nail-gun. Or somebody dropped something heavy. Could even be someone shooting at rats, or target-practice. Why assume it’s a gunshot and that it’s being fired in a malignant purpose? Why do you feel a need to go towards safety? Out of the situation? You don’t have the truth, but you have a sense that you might be in danger. That’s enough to act on. It makes more sense than to search for the cause of the noise and maybe realize the "truth" a second before a bullet enters your brain.

To me it sounds like you are in a comparable situation.
I don’t know if your husband is actively cheating right now. But based on what you share, his attitude is all that it’s OK, it’s not so bad, it’s not a serious issue, that it’s normal, that it’s accepted, that it’s something he needs to do because he cant get it all from you, and that it’s something he’s been doing forever and hasn’t really committed to not doing it...
To me – that’s a lot of sounds like gunshots...

If this marriage is to survive your husband needs to make some major and serious attitude changes. Based on your last post, he’s not going to do that as-is. He knows that for now his cost for continuing his actions is simply to wait and see. After all – it’s only costing him that you sleep in a separate room and occasional hard talks where he controls what he divulges. He knows he can refuse to tell the truth, that he can refuse MC... that the "worst case" scenario from him (as he sees it) is that you sleep in a separate room. Guess he still gets free laundry and dinner. He can spend the evenings and nights on Tinder or watching porn or whatever.

Nothing will change until you decide that whatever he’s offering isn’t enough, and you want something else. Nothing will change until he sees he no longer controls what he shared and does, and wants to make the required changes. That MIGHT happen when he realizes you are leaving. Or it might not. Either way, you will be out of infidelity – with or without him.

I am going mad, I am truly going mad. He says that I am ruining our marriage because I lack perspective. I'm allowed to have feelings about what he did but it was a long time ago and I need to get over it because it was a "one off" thing. However, he has never actually admitted to anything. He has not once confessed to anything, I have put the evidence in front of him and he has said he is sorry for causing me pain. He has denied, diminished, and misdirected, usually the end of the conversation has him as the victim. when I asked to read the letter he wrote to me that was supposed to be an apology but in fact was a complaint about my finding out about his Tinder dates and his emotional affair, he said I 'forced' him. I asked him where was the force, I asked him and he was free to say no at any moment. He said he didn't trust me, that I was waiting to punch him in the nose with a misinterpretation of some sort.

I am going mad, I am going MAD.

bigger

thanks for your thoughtful message. I appreciate it. It's a good analogy.

I need to stop asking for the truth because I am never going to get it.

It's very hard to accept. Part of me keeps insisting why can't he just tell me the truth, why am I not worth it. otoh I realize, his inability to tell the truth is not about me, at all, and his cheating isn't about me, either. I am not "not meeting his needs". it was about opportunity, maybe him going through a thing about getting older, most likely the fact he has had a lot of professional failure in the past decade, which is inconsistent with his very high opinion of himself

Do not let him drive you mad. He can’t trust YOU?? Sheese. I hear echoes of my WH, telling me that this is all water under the bridge, I need to move on, I’m the problem, my brain is the problem….it became about how my focus on family drove him to his A, how everybody is doing it, I need to accept that. That the problem isn’t what I found but that I wouldn’t stop looking. Hard NO. I don’t have to accept any of it, especially staying in a relationship filled with this kind of manipulative crap. Neither do you.

Yes you lack perspective, but not for what he thinks. You lack perspective to see him as he is, not how he is trying to make you see him. You are so deep in the forest it’s hard to see actual trees. He is way off base and playing with fire here, and he is the one lacking perspective.

My WH had a lot of trouble "owning" his choices, he still does. You will not find peace until his mindset shifts, that this IS a big deal, it IS a problem, you have a RIGHT to know what was happening in your life and marriage and he has a responsibility to quit stonewalling you. Minimizing on his part will only fester your wounds.

Protect yourself. This is a 180 situation, you need to pivot hard and let him see you are not going to be manipulated into accepting his crap excuses or explanations, and until he can own his choices and apologize to you with meaning and from the heart, no way can you just let this go, and in no way does he deserve to have you remain in his life.

Take care.