Hi everyone,
This is my first post here. I’m writing this because I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. I feel lost and devastated. While I’m in a better place now compared to the first six months—when I honestly thought I might die from the pain—it’s been a year since my wife started her affair, I’m struggling immensely and I feel like my life is on hold.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 5. We don’t have kids yet, but we were supposed to start trying in 2024. We met when she was 18 and I was 22. In my eyes, we had a great relationship—everything seemed perfect: our lives, our careers, everything. We moved abroad for an opportunity we couldn’t pass up. It wasn’t easy being away from family and friends, but we made it work. We both have good careers—I’m in IT, and she’s in finance. Over the last few years, we focused on our qualifications. I went back to university, and she completed her master’s degree. It brought a lot of pressure, but we managed—and I thought we were closer than ever.
However, things started to change. My wife began struggling with what I later realized was mild depression, but she never shared this with me. I had no idea what was going on because she wasn’t open about it. In 2024, after finishing her degree, we were planning to buy a house and start trying for a child. But then something unexpected happened—one of her coworkers started texting her and hitting on her. He’s the typical "bad boy" type—into partying, drugs, broke with lots of debt, and has a child from a previous relationship. He was in a relationship of his own when he started pursuing my wife. Eventually, he left his girlfriend for her.
At first, my wife told him she wasn’t interested, she said he had no chance because she was happily married. She even stopped texting him for a while when he repeatedly crossed lines by making very sexual comments toward her. But eventually, their relationship developed. I’m not sure if it was a lack of boundaries, her need for attention and validation, or something else—but it turned into an emotional affair, which quickly became physical. All the red flags were there—overprotectiveness of her phone, emotional distance, lies. When I asked her about it, she denied everything. Eventually, I found proof of the emotional affair and begged her not to escalate . I told her it would destroy me and us. She apologized, cried, and seemed ashamed, but at that time, it was like trying to stop a speeding freight train. Soon after, she started the affair anyway, lying and gaslighting me so I didn’t know what the truth was.
What I didn’t realize was how low her self-worth was. Despite being beautiful, intelligent, and overall very successful, she was incredibly insecure. I knew she had some issues, but I never realized how severe it was, that external validation had become like a drug to her. This wasn’t the first time someone hit on her but she always used to tell me about it, never kept secrets, and made it clear to others that she was unavailable. But she was never this vulnerable before. The guy clearly knew what he was doing. I now understand that her past, her parents divorcing when she was 12—played a huge role in this. She took it very badly and lost her relationship with her dad. All of this, mixed with her depression and the manipulative behavior of the "player" guy, created this "perfect storm" that led to the affair. Or it's just me trying to make sense of it all. And then it was like she snapped. I now understand the concept of affair fog and limerence, but watching the person I loved turn into a stranger has been unbearable. She became cold, distant, dishonest—like I was living with her evil twin. She had panic attacks and would love-bomb me, when she thought I was done.I cycled through intense anger. Now those moments are rarer, and we’ve both grown numb to this sick situation.
At first—like many betrayed partners—I did the "pick-me dance," trying to win her back. Eventually, I reached my breaking point and told her to leave. Even though she cried and begged, she moved out. That was a huge emotional struggle. In hindsight, my mistake was making her feel like she could just come back once she "sorted herself out." She lived like a single person for about five weeks, then returned, saying she’d worked on herself and wanted a fresh start. But it was all lies—or maybe she had good intentions at the time, but the addiction pulled her back. Despite claiming to have ended the affair, she was still emotionally involved and continued seeing him. It was a nightmare. But I know all of this directly from her—during rare moments of clarity, when I told her I was done, she confessed everything to me.
For the next year, we lived like roommates, with occasional "good times" whenever she claimed things were over and we’d go away for a few days. But as soon as we returned, she started disappearing again. I asked her to leave many times, but she refused. She only showed emotion when I forced her to confront reality, crying, begging, making empty promises. Most of the time, she was absent, disappearing for weekends, and we barely connected. Now, a year has passed. I can see small signs she’s returning to reality—but she still lies, still manipulates, and recently showed me a message saying it’s over with the other man. Again. This has happened multiple times. She keeps going back. She even admitted that she feels addicted to him and that he makes her life worse—but she can’t stop. She said that if she stops seeing him, he’ll make her life miserable because he’s not a decent person. I was like, WTF.
I’m struggling. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. My life is falling apart. I failed a year of university, my work is suffering, and I’m doing my best not to show how broken I am but I’m drowning. I ask her to leave, but she won’t. She says we can fix things, but then takes no real action. I don’t trust her anymore. I resent how she’s changed in my eyes. The innocence and trust and that warm feeling towards her I once felt are gone. But I stil lover her. Or the old her. I’ve read about limerence and fog, and I know some couples make it through this—but right now, I feel powerless.
She’s been seeing an online therapist for a year. Started right when the emotional affair began—but it doesn’t seem to help. I don’t think the therapist understands infidelity or the affair fog. I even feel like it’s made things worse, with the therapist placing blame on me and our marriage rather than addressing the real trauma and emotional chaos she’s in.
None of our family or friends know the full truth. My parents know nothing. My sisters and some friends know bits and pieces, but no one truly understands the scale of the betrayal and trauma. I feel completely alone. I don’t know whether to let her go or keep trying to rebuild something that she herself keeps destroying. And she refuses to move out.
Please—if anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice, I’d appreciate it. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. I’ve read so many stories like this before. I know this situation follows the same script—unfaithful partners saying the same things. But I need to hear it: Am I crazy and pathetic for staying? Am I weak for not going full no-contact and forcing her out? I just don’t know anymore. Should I pack her things and leave them in front of the AP’s house? I’ve packed her bags multiple times, and each time she cried, begged, and promised everything would change. But within days, it all went back to how it was. I don’t initiate contact with her. I’m a bit distant, but still polite. We argue sometimes.
I don’t want to move out. If I do, I’m afraid I’ll spiral into deep depression because the only place I feel okay is in my own home. At this point, I’d rather be alone and miss the old her than live with the new her. And I hate that. She still buys me small gifts, sends me snaps, tells me she loves me—but her actions are completely different. We barely talk. She sees the red flags in him but can’t stop. She started smoking and partying but before all this, we lived healthy lives together, went to the gym, cooked healthy meals.Long walks just 2 of us, etc. Now it feels like she’s someone I don’t know.
I don’t even know what I want anymore. I can’t imagine life without her—but I also can’t imagine a future with her like this. She hasn’t truly ended the affair. The past year has been madness. We were each other’s first and only, and that just adds to the heartbreak. Today, as I write this, half her things are packed. She showed me a message where she told him it was over and asked not to contact her again. She gave me access to her phone, shared her location—but that goes offline sometimes. She’s not transparent. She says she doesn’t recognize herself, that it was like an alternate state of mind. But there’s no real remorse. No real action to repair the damage.
She says she doesn’t want a divorce. She’s looking for a new job. But we’ve already been through this kind of "fresh start" before—and it turned out to be just another false reconciliation. I can’t stand my reality—that my closest friend, my partner, could treat me like I meant nothing. It makes me feel worthless. The despair has dulled a bit, and the pain isn’t as sharp now—but I still feel lost.
Please, all of you wise people on this forum, help me.
