SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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Thanks for reminding me. It’s not easy. The surgery is scheduled for the end of the year. So for now, it’s just waiting and living the best life we can until then.

We signed up for therapeutic riding. I am finally getting my (trigger alert for trauma DV and veteran family suicide survivorship) trauma from the loss of a close family member to veteran suicide when I was a young age (and more of the DV and work-related trauma) treated.

I am off of medications for physical issues and was on none for any other issues (of course with medical consent and supervision). My heart now checks out as apparently normal. The advanced Lyme disease appears to be in remission.

Coincidence?

I am 💯 NC with exwh.

The prayers, messages, encouragement and mojo being sent my way from SI ers has been much appreciated.

Even my worst day now with what we are facing is better than my best day previously living with an active unrepentant cheater.

Wishing everyone much peace and healing this holiday season.

Bumped by request

My life is going well after my D. I stick around on these boards because I genuinely virtually like many of the people. The boards saved my literal life. And I try to pay it back. As part of that I lost every once in awhile. Tell my story and people can take what they like and leave the rest.

As I sit in a heated residence with the electricity on, I reflect back with deep gratitude for this group, their messages and support. If it were not for these kindnesses I would not have found my way out of infidelity and I likely would have given in to the trauma and taken my own life.

When infidelity "wins", it’s a tragedy. The world would have lost my impact. I don’t claim to do a lot or enough. But I survived and I get up every day and ask myself what I can do to make the world a bit better? And that’s the small sliver of light that exwh would have extinguished had I not survived.

What have I done after surviving? Not much by human standards I guess. Share a meal with a young unhoused person. Give gloves and a tank of gas to a struggling neighbor? Host simple meals and gatherings? Be willing to teach people how to do things I know how to do that they don’t.

Currently I am with someone helping them while they are waiting for serious life sustaining surgery related to serving their country.

Despite EXWH’s best efforts to literally do what he said he would do ("destroy me if I left him"), I have managed with the help of others and what some call "my higher power" to stay fed, clothed, and housed. So the darkness did not win. And it’s not gonna win today.

I wish everyone on this site peace, joy, love, impact and much happiness.

Thank you, Shehawk. It's wonderful to read your journey, and I can feel peace radiating from your words, even as life continues to throw stressful situations your way.

As I progress through the divorce process, it's good to hear from people on the far, far side of it.

My valentine’s gift was a Tiffany blue heart necklace purchased while ring shopping.
We did not expect to spend this Valentine’s Day with F awaiting surprise open heart surgery, but life is not always a linear path strewn with roses.
We had gluten free cupcakes and I had a glass of wine in the room (no alcohol for F pre surgery). Monday is go day at 5 am.

That said, even my scariest worst day now is 💯 better than the lie I lived from day one with exwh.

I am grateful for so many on this site even as I now navigate this unexpected situation. I would not have chosen to live through what I did in my ex marriage, but there is a kinship between those who have survived that I carry with me.

We are planning to downsize our lives after the surgery to allow me to decrease my responsibilities/focus on healing my nervous system from the lingering effects of the prior infidelity.

The therapeutic riding has helped me see that I was still living in the hyper vigilance (aka "oh shit"💩 hang on by any means possible). I will be spending more time and resources on myself. I have a lot of ex marriage years to balance out.

I hope to be in a position to attend enough training by May to recert my ability to teach beginner fitness classes again. It will give me a goal to work towards.

I have made a decision to sell the majority of what I personally own as I continue my responsibility of cleaning out "family stuff" that has been in storage. No one in the family, myself included, wants to be the caretaker of things like a paint splashed little wooden wagon that we have no idea the history of, or a random bow tie. I don’t recommend this sort of masssive downsizing for everyone, but it’s the right choice for our small family.

F and I are appreciative of our temporary living arrangements. We are grateful for the new furniture a kind designer chose for our temporary needs out of the scratch and dent section of a fancy smancy furniture store. It was a near miracle to get multiple neutral color matching well- constructed living and dining room furniture pieces delivered for less than the price of a single one of the chairs we got. While the designer even went so far as to comment that no one at the store quite understood why the prices were so low or why no one bought these pieces (much less how we found a designer who was willing to take her time to use her skill to select pieces that coordinated so well together from the scratch and dent room). But we will accept this and many other blessings we have received with great gratitude

There is a shift that occurs when the brain has the space to dwell on peace and possibility and gratitude. It is a place beyond surviving infidelity where thriving and even near miracles can occur.
Some people refer to it as being able to see and experience the divine.

I do believe that healing in relationship is possible if both people are willing and work really really hard. But I would never have never found that place of possibilities that exists beyond simple survival had I stayed in the chaos of infidelity.

My wish for my fellow survivors is that you can experience peace, healing, and many many "glimmers" of possibility and joy.

Great update SH! I look forward to reading more positive news from you.

I try to post every once in awhile in the hope it might be of some benefit to others.

We made it through F’s cardiac surgery. It turned into a much more serious and complicated surgery than anticipated. But with the advice given on here and good fortune, we were able
to connect with a great care navigator.

They are back at work and somewhat situated in an apartment after enjoying the local Holiday Inn for a few days. It’s another little 3rd floor walk up in a redone industrial building with a brewery across the street and trains going almost through the back of the building. But housing being what it is in the area they work in, it’s affordable and very nicely appointed. Undercounter lighting! Automatic shower fan. 100 plus year old wood floors. Very high ceilings. In unit laundry. Lots of easy parking. Stone, stainless, and nice matching cabinetry. And close to where they work. Not perfect but liveable for the short -term lease term.

Finding furniture is next. The climate controlled storage that was rented for the quick move out when they unexpectedly found out they needed heart surgery was excellent. What was left there far longer than was initially expected was still in great condition.

What I can say about post infidelity is that it’s a lot easier to function and make the kinds of good decisions that lead to these good outcomes even in a genuine crisis when my nervous system is not being set on fire by EXWH. I now call him the fire starter. It’s a trait I should have noticed long before the last dd, but he hid it well (along with so many other things like his sexual history and actual preferences, his extramarital affairs and various other really important things).

I can accomplish so much more even under pressure when my nervous system is so much more regulated. I have realized my body knew I was not safe with exwh long before my mind found out that he had lied to me from the start. I am no longer like a computer overheating from having too many browser windows open.
I am no longer running "what deception and chaos is exwh up to v probably some large number by the time I uninstalled him.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks since F is still very limited in terms of what he can life. I found muscles I had forgotten about for awhile. 40 some stairs up to the apartment. But the kitchen stuff is pretty much unpacked for him. His work-related books, military awards, motivational art, and grad school "swag" are unpacked: Gotta eat and gotta keep that positive forward-looking mojo going for them. The printer is sitting there ready to be used (just need to find a stand or bookcase to put it on, preferably one that does not need to be put together).

I have said for awhile that things flow better away from Infidelity. We are both survivors. Anyway, were able to find a complete set of copper bottom Midgrade pots and pans someone was parting with for $35. A nice win-win. I think you can either cook with this sort of cookware or you can’t. The heat regulation can be a bit tricky and the "parting with the pans" party in this transaction was glad to see them go! F actually enjoys cleaning up metal, so he polished them up and is happily cooking with them. They stack nicely so are a perfect fit for one of the smallish cabinets in the new apartment.

I found them second multicooker that was missing an easy-to-order replacement part, so now we each have one.

Once F is situated and acclimated to their cardiac rehab etc, I have things I need to do to catch up with my life I paused to help them. I experienced stunning financial abuse along with the sexual infidelity. "The firestarter" (exwh) did his best to leave nothing but ashes in my life. But peace and breathing room have seemed to bring abundance even from ashes.

Once again the new little apartment is filling with nice things. My lesson has been to keep putting out good things into the world. To
Release what I don’t need. And to learn to ask the right questions … to give my brain the right problem to solve.

Not how can I get my exwh to be a safe partner? That’s on him and no longer my monkey 🐒. Much less my 🎪 circus. But instead how can I (accomplish a specific goal or manifest a particular vision for my life)?

Everyone’s mileage may vary. Take what you want and leave the rest of the advice on this forum. But my experience is that I spent way to much of my precious life energy focusing on way the wrong thing (exwh).

I enjoyed a lovely lunch Sunday at group gathering at a favorite restaurant. I ordered a nice glass of wine, savored a tasty desert, and afterwards browsed the shops in the town I used to live in before EXWH’s infidelity, financial fraud and legal abuse burnt my old life to ashes.
I found the artist I want to commission the signature piece for my home: She does a series of Phoenix!!

May we all rise from the ashes! Wishing all much peace, prosperity and happiness. May we all surpass simply surviving to thriving.