SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When you compare this:

In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

To this:

What makes everything even more painful is that he is the kind of person who wouldn’t hurt a fly yet chose to hurt me so gravely.

Overall a complete rule follower, model citizen, kind to folks, helps out friends as needed, he certainly has the good guy image.

However, is severely conflict avoidant, risk-averse and generally the reserved and quite type. All of which have cost him in his career growth and a close friendship.

Its no wonder your inner compass is spinning. This is some next level duplicity, but you know what? Duplicity is always present at some level in betrayal. Its a common denominator, sometimes fueled/aided by cognative dissonance.

Where does all of this leave you? Since you have not started divorce proceedings, and based on your questions, it seems you are looking for a reasonable rationale to attempt reconciliation. To address the title of your post, can you reconcile? Its possible, but what is the probability of long term success with an acceptable level of happiness and fulfillment for you? The answer to that is complex and will involve years of grueling effort.

Im not going to pound on the stats debate which I find puzzling other than to say that when you are grasping for handholds, they can help bring some measure of clarity, especially when dealing with aberrant behavior on the part of your "spouse" that completely stuns you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:02 PM, Tuesday, May 20th]

Thank you all for thoughtful comments. A lot of my own soul searching to do.

The way he talks to me now makes it sound like he was living with a blindfold on. How is it possible for someone to be so cruel and not realize it at all and then suddenly see it all and be all shame and guilt.

It’s mind boggling.

[This message edited by Neva9643 at 12:08 AM, Saturday, May 24th]

A number of members have reported the W turning on a dime. My W went from hiding her A to radical honesty literally overnight - she wen to bed on 12/21/2010 in the A, and when I woke up on 12/22, she was committed to ending the A and being totally honest. I believe she hasn't told a lie since then, and it's very refreshing. Knowing one's partner knows of the WS's failure as a human being and as a partner can be eye-opening.

We have several members who have thrived in both R and D after finding out their WSes were serial cheaters.

You have more power than you think. The best way to access that power and to use it on your own behalf (and that of your kids) is to focus on your healing. Don't try to control the outcome - let your R or D develop organically as you heal and as you observe your WS.

You can change yourself, and your WS can change themself, but you can't change your WS. So focus on yourself and watch your H.

Need a reality check.

My husband came to me and said that for years, he was completely delusional about his actions—convincing himself that he was a good father and husband while treating his betrayals as just a "side part" of his life. He now sees how selfish and destructive that thinking was.

He told me that the bubble he lived in has burst. That he has failed not only me, but also our children, and that this realization is almost unbearable.

He admitted that all this time he thought he was in control, but now he sees it was actually the opposite—his selfishness was controlling him. He became someone he himself can barely face in the mirror.

My question is do all serial cheating husbands say the same things as the weight of their actions settles in? Are these usually temporary feelings?

I have no trust whatsoever. I am not in any way ready to accept anything and am working on gathering myself and overcoming the shock.

I don't know if he's sincere but I can tell you that his words alone have no value. He has lied to you so much, for so long, and he's very good at it. The only way for you to assess his honesty and remorse is through observing consistent action over time.

convincing himself that he was a good father and husband while treating his betrayals as just a "side part" of his life. He now sees how selfish and destructive that thinking was.

Many cheaters are great providers, excellent homemakers, and/or very active and involved parents, so it's very easy for them to lie to themselves about how their affairs were just harmless diversions.

But in your husband's case, he was underperforming at work and at home-- you have been shouldering the financial, housekeeping, and child care burdens for your family, while he spent considerable time pursuing sex and romance with others.

His betrayals weren't a "side part" of his life; your marriage and children were.

So while it's possible that he understands how much he harmed you and his children with his cheating, he's still deluding himself about the extent of the damage he's caused-not just with his cheating, but with his neglect. He's trying to minimize the fact that cheating and deception have been central to his life.

He admitted that all this time he thought he was in control, but now he sees it was actually the opposite—his selfishness was controlling him.

This is dissociative language that it's intended to distance himself from his actions. Instead of saying "I am a selfish person who does selfish things" he describes "his selfishness" as if it's this nebulous, external entity that was pulling him by the strings. He's trying to portray himself as the victim of his own vile acts, rather than the perpetrator. He is not the victim; you and your children are.

While it's possible that your husband might have some of compulsive disorder, he certainly had a strong enough handle on himself that he was able to successfully lie and hide his behaviors from you for years. He will never admit it, but I'm sure he benefitted from the fact that you were so preoccupied with work and caring for your children that you might've been too tired and distracted to notice what he was doing.

He became someone he himself can barely face in the mirror.

He knew he was lying. He knew his true face all along. What he's having trouble coping with is that you see it now, too.

edit;add

My question is do all serial cheating husbands say the same things as the weight of their actions settles in? Are these usually temporary feelings?

To reiterate what I said in an earlier post, I think the question you should be asking yourself is not whether he can change or whether his remorse is real (or whether all serial cheaters do xyz), but to seriously look at the relationship as whole and decide whether it's acceptable or not.

I think that, if you're being honest with yourself, you will realize that your marriage has survived thus far because you were willing to make excuses and compensate for his shortcomings and selfish behavior.

"Not cheating" is the bare minimum you need to reconcile. He needs to completely transform his personality, his character, and his outlook on life. Your relationship dynamics need to completely change-- and that starts with you refusing to carry the load for him.

I think that part is going to be the most challenging for you because you see yourself as a "fixer" and don't want to "give up" on someone you love. You've probably also neglected your own self care and personal interests because you couldn't rely on your husband to pick up the slack for you whenever you needed time for yourself.

Lastly, you need to ask yourself how many years of your life you're willing to sink into this process before you even know if the outcome you're hoping for is even possible.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:07 PM, Wednesday, May 28th]

Our stories are very similar. My WH was a serial cheater of opportunity on business trips. In between his one night stands he was "faithful " haha, and his encounters were years apart. I thought we had a good marriage. In hindsight I see how I carried the mental and emotion load and really I just generally over functioned. Always trying to smooth things over so he would be happy. The last two years before I found out about his affairs he was particularly moody and irritable with me. I hate that I put up with it for one second.
It is a good sign that your WH is acknowledging how awful he has been. Mine had the same train of thought, he was delusional and was just living selfishly. He never intended or wanted to leave me. He just wanted validation on the side. He has been deeply remorseful.
I’ve given mine a chance and he is like a different person in many ways. I still see some of his patterns but he’s consistently been more involved in running the home, allowing me to cry and talk about his affairs, and I see that he is trying with everything to make amends with no guarantee that I will allow him to stay. About a year in I really started to feel the rage and did something with it. I stated exactly what I needed in a partnership and I started putting myself first. He’s stepped up and been consistent so far.
There are some " probably" permanent losses for me. I do not love him romantically. I have no desire to acknowledge our anniversary. The memories of the years I thought were happy still feel kind of wierd and yucky to me. But I am only three years into the healing process.
We do still have a very good sexual relationship but I still don’t feel emotionally connected to him.
I am almost fifty and want to retire soon. I don’t want my kids to experience the pain of this betrayal. I do not want to start over with a new relationship and we have an adult lifetime of experience together. Those were my reasons for staying. They’re good enough for me. You will find your reasons and peace whether that is D or R. And I think R is different for everyone. Just wanted to chime in, as I see our situations are very similar. Big hugs to you.