SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm reading the excellent post titled "Things that every WS needs to know" in the WS section and am going to have my WW read it as well when she gets home from work.

I just got to the triggers section. I do have many of them, but one in particular is a difficult situation. I'll start by saying my wife has intentionally been avoiding this trigger for the past several weeks (d day was about 6 weeks ago), and while I appreciate it, it's something we're going to have to deal with sooner or later. On d day my wife was supposed to be spending the night at her best friend's house whose husband is wheelchair bound. Her friend had had just gotten out of the hospital, and "needed some help" with general household stuff, cooking dinner, etc,hence my wife "staying the night there" to help her out. She lives just a couple of miles away.

My wife is driving restricted right now due to having a seizure last October, so I've been doing all of the driving. She has epilepsy, but it's mostly under control with meds. I dropped her off at her friend's place, she hung out for about an hour, then met up with her AP to spend the night with him. He lives fairly close to her friend's house so she actually just walked there. She wasn't answering my texts or phone calls, so long story short, I drove to her friend's house to see what was up, got the truth from her friend about where she was, drove there and confronted her. That was officially d day.

This is her best friend, and it's been pretty routine for a few years for my WW to hang out with her, at her place, for a couple of hours in the evenings, a couple of days a week, then come home in time for dinner. Obviously I'm having issues with her going there at all anymore, and she knows this. It was quite a kick in the balls to realize that I GAVE HER A RIDE TO HAVE A PA WITH HER AP!! She has however, stopped going there to visit, and she hasn't complained or tried to make me feel bad about it. On her own, she just stopped asking to go there, which is a great relief for me. This is her best friend, tho, and I'm dreading the day when she asks to go there again. Like I said, she's been avoiding even bringing it up for my sake, but it is her best friend. Am I wrong for feeling guilty that she's cut off her visits? Am I wrong for not wanting her to go there? What do I say if or when she brings it up and wants to see her friend again? I already know it's going to drive me up the wall. I don't know them very well, so me going with her would be awkward and weird. I'd basically be just inviting myself if I did.

The affair was short lived, and she wasn't meeting up with her AP from her friend's place this entire time. The messages and communication between my WW and AP only started at the beginning of March, and the PA had only been happening for 2 weeks in April before I discovered it. It was just happenstance that he lived within walking distance of her friend's place. Her friend knew what she was doing, tho, and she knew my WW was using her as a cover story. She did try to cover for my WW at first when I went there, but she did end up coming clean to me. Told me who it was and where he lived. I dunno man. I think it'd be better for me if she just ended the friendship altogether, but they've been friends for several years and really are besties. I appreciate that my WW has volunteered to stop going there, but I know she misses her bestie. It's a huge trigger for me tho. It's a weird situation.

Trust me…… the overwhelming responses you will receive to this situation is that this BFF is not a friend of your marriage and your W has lost the privilege of this friendship.

Actions…meet consequences.

Your wife has a choice and her actions will speak loudly as to how good of a candidate she is for R.

I'm dreading the day when she asks to go there again. Like I said, she's been avoiding even bringing it up for my sake, but it is her best friend. Am I wrong for feeling guilty that she's cut off her visits? Am I wrong for not wanting her to go there? What do I say if or when she brings it up and wants to see her friend again? I already know it's going to drive me up the wall. I don't know them very well, so me going with her would be awkward and weird. I'd basically be just inviting myself if I did.

You get to drive this bus, not her. Until/unless it doesn't feel awkward to you, you have the right to tell her straight that you are uncomfortable with her going to the her friend's house. In the meantime, they can talk on the phone or video chat (if you're okay with that). It's also possible that she realizes that she screwed up her friendship by sticking her best friend into the middle of her affair, and she herself might feel awkward about it.

AnnieOakley is 100% right - actions have consequences. Your WS needs to accept that if she wants a real chance at saving your marriage.

I have told her that. The usual me dropping her off there then heading the couple of miles home for a couple of hours while she visits is no longer something I'm comfortable with. Even if I believe (and I do) she's just visiting with her friend, dropping her off there is so intrinsically tied to d day and the A for me that I know sitting at home waiting for the "come pick me up please" text is going to be pure torture as I replay it over and over in my mind. It was probably the most awful day I've ever been through, and in 55 years I've been through a few really awful days. I went home alone that night and contemplated eating a bullet...

She knows. That's why she hasn't asked in the last few weeks, so she's already made a pretty big adjustment for me. I did tell her last night that I'm still not okay with it, and she seemed to accept it, if not cheerfully, but she seemed to accept it. I told her that this is one of the consequences of her actions. "If you hadn't done what you did, this would never have been an issue." I've never been controlling or told her who her friends can be. I've always trusted her. She's always been trustworthy before. This whole thing came out of nowhere, and it happened so fast and so suddenly. It really was so out of character for her. I still can't believe it even happened.

They do still text and talk on the phone and I'm okay with that. It's just the location, her being out of my sight for a couple or a few hours and the fact that her AP lives so close to there. It's been about 6 weeks since d day but it still sometimes feels like I just found out yesterday. I'm still struggling a lot with what happened. I had no idea the damage an affair could cause to a person. I'm a real fucking mess. I'd never considered it even a possibility for us.

They do still text and talk on the phone and I'm okay with that.

I’d advise truly thinking this stance through. Your adulterous wife’s best friend served as an absolute willing accomplice to both deceive and betray YOU and, as has been stated, is now therefore an enemy of the M. Her friend wasn’t collateral damage, but instead took up arms against you. The breach of trust is not only on your wife, but her friend as well.

Anyone capable of doing that would absolutely be capable of advising your W to do it again, or cover for her again, etc. I’m not saying your W’s friend isn’t capable of change, but statistically it’s truly remote. At a minimum, I would demand your W cut the friend off completely, at least for a year or something.

This is NOT "punishment" as some here would be so confused to state. Such are the natural consequences to very evil choices, and such natural consequences also serve to motivate the wrongdoers to make different choices moving forward.

Watch how your W reacts to this boundary. If she meekly accepts it, that’s another sign she could be a better candidate for R. Regardless, your W is going to need to determine, ON HER OWN, how she could ramp up so quickly into adultery and the deepest level of betrayal, even going so far as to humiliate you in the worst way by having you literally drive her in your car to be dropped off to meet her AP, all with the full knowledge and approval of her friend. Damn. If she can’t convince you she now fully understands why she did what she did, you will forever be eaten away by the fear she’ll do it again. What a horrible way to live.

If I were you, there would be no contact of any sort with that "friend".

Period.

You are saying it is ok to still be friends w the person that enabled your wife to cheat on you. In the end it was 100% your wife’s choice-but the friend made it an easier decision.

Nope. Hard boundary.

I dont believe that your wife retaining a friend to the affair is good for either of you.

I have a feeling that you feel an especially tender responsibility towards your wife. I get the notion that something about your feelings of obligation as a support system for her is being prioritized over your own self protection and need for respect and dignity.

I really feel for you and see you are a kind person.

Id strongly advise against allowing this friendship. This person knowingly attempted to provide a cover and alibi for activity of the affair. You know they absolutely cant be trusted together, and you need to send that message in no uncertain terms.

My WW's best friend knew another man was pursuing her. She advised her to "hold her ground" in texts that I've seen. So she knew the affair was possible, but not that it had actually started.

She has also done some questionable things since.

Those actions were nearly enough for me to demand she end her friendship permanently.

I reluctantly allow it because it's her best friend, and she did act as a small positive force here and there, and she didn't know about the affair at all, only in the pursuit.

If she had covered for her in ANY way, I would have insisted she end it permanently.

Friends come and go. A friend that helps hurt your marriage is no friend at all.

One thing I learned about my wife's friends is that they are HER friends. They are not my friends, and not friends of the marriage. If she wants to do something stupid, like have an affair, they will support her against me and our marriage.

This isn’t about you allowing her or not allowing her.

This is about her understanding what she did, why this is a friendship that she may have to cut off because she is choosing you over all else. Which is what marriage is supposed to be. This would be about her understanding the consequences of involving her friend as a cover.

It’s not up to you to allow it or not allow it, it’s up to her to make choices that align with remaining married. And that means not doing more harm.

Boundaries are knowing where you begin and end and where she begins and ends. You are not forcing her not to have a friendship. Simply she has put herself in a position that now she has to choose. She is wisely choosing her marriage and that is a good sign. This isn’t on you. The last thing you need right now is to have to consider her feelings about circumstances she caused. It’s simply too much to carry.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:11 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]

Anyone who knew about it and didn’t tell you, and especially anyone who helped her cover it up should be dead to both of you.