SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I so badly want to come to a place of acceptance even though I can’t. I joined this forum for support in what feels like a lifelong journey. My soon to be ex-husband of 15 years. We share 2 children together. Everyday I wonder how I got here. It’ll be 3 years since I found out he cheated on me with his coworker. When I found out, it was his easy way out I guess and he left. Said he was no longer happy with his life at home, that it felt too stressful. He felt a lot of pressure raising a family and wanted out. He also told me after 8 months of me pleading for what was happening and needing furthur explanation, that he didn’t have an interest in me any longer. That I never "bettered myself" or figured out a lucrative enough career path to lighten the load he felt he was always carrying.

Just a little background, we’ve known one another since high school. Talked briefly, but went our separate paths after graduating. He went right to work with just a high school diploma. I went to college and obtained my bachelors shortly before we reconnected and started dating again. I always thought he was proud of me. There was no one in his family or group of friends that had even went to college. However, I didn’t make the greatest money. I got a degree in a low paying field and could never seem to make past a certain salary. He on the other hand kept moving up the ladder and eventually over the years made it to six figures. I always worked throughout our marriage and having two children. I wanted to go back to school to further my education to make more, but my focus became primarily on our young children plus working full time outside the home took up a significant amount of time as well. Going back to school while still working and carrying the home responsibilities didn’t feel like a realistic option for me. There was no support from him. I was always left managing the home and everyone in it. I never in my right mind thought he felt the way he did about me.

In hindsight, after seeing the women he chose after me, they’re without kids, more accomplished with higher degrees and make just as much as he does, which I feel he values. I have SO MUCH resent for how he just up and left and discarded me like I’m nothing. One day we were a family, the next day my world was flipped upside down and has never been the same. He still see’s his children on a schedule. This is what he prefers, seeing his kids every other weekend. After a year of embarrassingly begging him to choose me and come back home, I finally stopped and let him be. I noticed by the next year his coworker got married to someone else so that’s how I knew they were no longer a thing. But then a short time later I found out he was with a new coworker on his team. This time he introduced our daughters to her, they’re 6 & 11 and he now lives with her in her home. The whole thing just devastates me, to the point where I feel it makes me a bad coparent because although I can’t go "no contact", I do to the utmost degree that I can. I find myself over these past few years being the worst coparent to deal with because of my resent that he chose an alternate life. I absolutely hate answering him when he texts me after he chose to stay away and build a life elsewhere. It’s always about the kids obviously. And if he asks me something I will respond, but with one word answers or sometimes just not at all. I’m not forthcoming, I don’t willingly share information about the kids to him anymore like I did as his wife, unless it’s something of high importance/medical related concern where I feel I must. I just feel like you up and left your family for greener grass. As long as he feels like he’s in the loop about their life, he’s content with that level of being a parent. The day to day life of getting children ready for school, homework, making lunches, the appointments, the events, sicknesses, bath time, bed time, cooking, cleaning etc., — that all falls on me now. He just gets to pick up his kids every other weekend and enjoy them, while the rest of the days, sky’s the limit for him, he lives a brand new life. I had to move out of our home and into a tiny one bedroom apartment because that’s all I was able to afford on my own with the money I make. I do have him on child support as well since after he left he was inconsistent with giving me any money. I’m still in complete awe and devastation that this is what my life looks like today, a struggle. The other day was our daughter’s farewell dance at school as she’s approaching middle school in the fall. It was a big deal. She dressed up, had heels on, we got her hair done. And as I’m getting her ready and taking pictures all I can think about is how at this very moment that all this is going on, he’s vacationing with his new girlfriend for her birthday this week down at the beach. It hurts so bad. He sent me a text this evening asking for pictures of our daughter dressed up for her dance and I just don’t respond. I so desperately want to say something sharp back like, oh you want pictures because that’s what you prefer over being here in person with your family because your new life is better than the one you had here with us. I’d never say that, but I won’t send him pictures either. I just ignore the text. I’m just so sad and tired of doing this life alone, while he’s over there living his best life day after day. I feel like I’m not good enough and am of no value. I feel like I was just thrown away like garbage. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t wonder why this person married me and created children with me. I just feel like I’m in a constant state of confusion wondering if I was just who was around, but deep down he never even wanted because how do you just up and leave someone who created a family with and made vows to..I just don’t understand and it keeps me stuck in a place of never moving forward 🥺

Sorry that you feel stuck. My betrayal trauma specialist and I worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook. I didn't think that it would help, but it really helped me release the anger and be able to move forward in my healing journey. Doing the exercises in the chapters really helped me process. At the end, you write a letter to read out loud. For me, I felt the release begin when I read the letter out loud. I think you can get the book on-line.

His reasons are the basic bullshxx. He's selfish and blamed you so he didn't have to be the bad guy. It really didn't have anything to do with you, but the gaping hole of need in himself.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:38 AM, Tuesday, May 27th]

Surviving,

He is not living his best life. He threw his best life away. No heroin addict is living their best life, no matter how good the next fix feels.

You are a good person. He is not.

You are the kind of person we all hope we can be.

Nobody wants to be him.

(I’m reminded of the old aphorism: I know God won’t saddle me with more than I can bear, but I wish He didn’t know how strong I am.)

Child of divorce here.

So sorry you're struggling right now. While it may take some time to reach acceptance, please trust you will get there. In the meantime, please nurture yourself with some self-care.

You're so hard on yourself! After the trauma of betrayal and abandonment it's no wonder your self-esteem is at rock bottom! Dear Survingnotliving, nothing you did or didn't do caused him to lie and betray - this is all on him. Regaining your self-esteem and valuing YOU are great ways to start reaching for acceptance. Loving yourself will help get unstuck. Sounds like your life is jam-packed full right now, but are there ways to fit in some individual counseling sessions or a divorce support group? Or ANYTHING (exercise, meditation, hobbies, friends and family, professional development, self-care) that helps regain a feeling of control over YOUR life and circumstances - anything that helps to change the negative messaging of that inner voice tearing you down? Turning the negative laser focus away from him and the injustice of it all, and refocusing on YOU with positive thoughts/actions while working on creating some joy could make all the difference.

I find myself over these past few years being the worst coparent to deal with because of my resent that he chose an alternate life.

The term "coparent" indicates two parents/equal partners working cooperatively to raise the kids. This guy is shallow - he's about as deep as a puddle of piss. He doesn't want to collaboratively coparent! He's just fine with you doing the real parenting - all the day to day heavy lifting and decision making required to raise two kids. He sees the kids what - four days a month? He PREFERS it this way. Heck, even when he lived under the same roof with the kids you took care of everything! And he couldn't be bothered to pay child support on time! Why would he change now? No amount of chit chat about the kid's accomplishments or texted photos of their everyday lives will change him into a real coparent. It shouldn't be your job to do all his "co" work to maintain this unfair, lop-sided version of so-called "coparenting".

Survingnotliving, a personality transplant isn't in his future. What's playing out is NOT coparenting so please cut yourself some slack. Suggest a rethink on how to accurately name what's going on. Lots of divorced parents (mine included) prefer a custody arrangement more aligned with the idea of "parallel parenting". Which seems like you're already doing. You keep him up to date about any big concerns with the kids. He's sees them twice a month (his choice). To quote:

As long as he feels like he’s in the loop about their life, he’s content with that level of being a parent.

Sounds like the kids have structure and predictability, and they have YOU as the safe and sane parent to rely on for day to day well being. They have a relationship (such as it is) with their father which you help facilitate.IMO, you're doing great. You are not a horrible coparent, 'cause no true coparenting is happening. You are a stellar parallel parent!

Here's a suggestion from an outsider looking in. Hope it helps. Maybe using a parenting/custody/scheduling app could actually help parenting communication between the two of you? The app will keep him "in the loop" but relieves you of the emotional toll that comes with keeping him in the loop. The app puts the onus on him to participate. And could hopefully help alleviate some self-imposed guilt about feeling like a bad coparent.

Parenting apps are straightforward. No personal texting or emails - all the kids' scheduling, appointments, meetings, logistical planning etc. goes into the app. All info is there in black and white for him to access (or not-his choice) and will take some of the pressure off your unrealistic expectation to be more "forthcoming" - to play nice with the person who brutally abandoned you. Plus the app could be a great resource - just in case there's conflict, miscommunication etc.- all communications are documented. Since he's a soon to be ex maybe it's not too late to include a parenting app requirement in D agreements? Using a parenting app doesn't have to be presented in a negative light, could be presented as a win win for everyone.

Hang in there! Be kind to yourself. Turn your focus away from him and his latest GF and towards creating joy in YOUR life. Bet karma will find him eventually - without your help. Keep up NC as much as possible. He is NOT your friend. It's okay to protect yourself. And, corny as it sounds = Love yourself and the rest will follow. Really.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:54 PM, Wednesday, May 28th]

The parenting app sounds like a great idea. Everything goes in there for him to see or not, you don't have to communicate directly unless there's an emergency. For example the farewell dance - it's in the calendar and up to him to get photos or attend or contact the school if there were professional photos taken. You're not his personal assistant or at his beck and call.

It should get easier as the children get older and they can manage the communications with him directly, as well as just being more independent generally. I look back on times when my children were at different schools and I worked full time, and somehow managed to do it all, you will too.

And he'll still be the same selfish asshat he's always been.

His cheating has NOTHING to do with you. And everything to do with him.

Clearly he had an idea of marriage & money that was not communicated. It’s not a marriage if he’s off doing his own thing and saddling his spouse with the burden of all the work.

He sounds a bit selfish if you ask me.

It appears as though he’s just lazy and wants a very easy lifestyle without much responsibility. Unfortunately he’s decided this after he became a parent.

He’s running away not from you (though it appears like he is). He’s running away to what he thinks are "good times". But one day he will be old or ill or whatever— and I hope someone is there for him.

Because it won’t be you or his daughters if he keeps disappearing for big events and disappointing them.

It’s NOT because of you. It doesn’t even have anything to do with you. He just wants to be free. Free from responsibility. Free from his family responsibilities too.

Make the most if your time with your children. They deserve better than a dad who walks out on them.

Why are you getting so little in support when you're doing all of the child care? Was this your divorce settlement? Most places are 50/50 assets and they try to make the income more equal, did this not happen for you?

"But one day he will be old or ill or whatever— and I hope someone is there for him."

I know what you meant by this 1st wife. I must be petty, however, and I often find myself wondering where the Karma bus is in so many situations people post on these boards. It can be very difficult when you have done the right things. I am pretty sure that your stbexwh’s success was assisted by your mental work and unpaid unequal caregiving. I know that is a hard pill to swallow seeing him galavanting off to the beaches. The discard is brutal. I of all people know this, and am so sorry you are going through this. If fair was a destination, sometimes what we get is the polar opposite and we get what the wayward dishes out.

I wish you much peace and healing. I will say to all the people who advise betrayeds to just be the better person, that in retrospect I don’t think it was a solid strategy for me. The nicer I was and the more I did and compensated for, the more exwh took.

The informational parenting app approach sounds solid. That way the betrayed is not continuing to do the heavy lifting so the abandoning spouse can feel good about themselves without actually acting the good partner/spouse/ parent part. I say (to myself of course, because we do need to be careful
What we memorialize and what we say to the other parent because things can and will be held against us "You want pictures, take them yourself". "You aren’t at the hospital with an ailing relative, you are at the beach with AP 2.0."

Signed no longer his wife or his personal assistant.

I agree w 1stwife. Money, prestige, owning things are so sparkly to him you never had a chance. If all he can give to his children is 4 days a month that tells you EVERYTHING about his depth. Mud puddle deep. Possibly narcissistic tendencies. He moves from relationship to relationship. Some people are not designed to be constant. They chase the next new thing.
Don’t waste your energy fretting over him. Truly, he is not lovable. His history shows that. Stop thinking you lost something. There was nothing there to lose. Certainly not him.