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Tonight my wh has gone out drinking with some friends, they have ended up in a pub literally opposite the house his affair took place. I saw on his friends social media that they are in the pub garden, it literally is maybe 20 foot from her front door, although she don’t live there anymore. Is that thoughtless or am I being dramatic?

You’re being dramatic.

Hang in there.

Another vote for you’re being dramatic. Will also confess that I would probably be just as dramatic if I were in your shoes. But if I were, I hope good people would level with me and that I could get past it. Be well.

A couple of weeks ago my W met her good friend at a Starbucks. It backed up to the AP’s neighborhood. When I checked her location it showed her in the neighborhood, but then readjusted to the Starbucks. He doesn’t even live there anymore, but it was still a trigger.
Triggers are part of your healing, your brain is warning you to danger. Process it and decide if it’s a false alarm or a real concern. Then proceed accordingly.

I think you have a right to be upset but that you’re upset at the wrong things.

Thank you everyone for your honest loving responses. I think the fact that we have discussed it previously about me not wanting him to go there was the first gut punch which led on to the feeling of "how is he ok with it?" "Why doesn’t it trigger anything in him" but that’s the man I am married too. Keeps his head down and pretends it’s all good. That is probably more of the issue I need to be facing and not the location of the pub he randomly ended up in 😔

"Why doesn’t it trigger anything in him" - such a good question and believe me when I say I completely understand. It took my WH ages to work out what may trigger me but in his defence some of the triggers surprised me as well!!!

Over time (I’m 18 months out) we both seemed to realise things that may be a trigger and we deal with these together. He even brings up triggers to me when he can see it’s effected me rather than wait for me to say anything. Huge improvement for us.

My advice is when something like this happens, tell him that it upset you and why. He needs to listen, understand and be empathetic.

"Why doesn’t it trigger anything in him"

It does. He hasn’t forgotten.

Good or bad for him?

Ask him. I’ll bet he didn’t pick the pub.

Hey positivemind, former BH here. Full disclosure, my first wife betrayed me with my then best friend. I stuck it out for ten extremely difficult years with a quasi-remoresful, constantly rugsweeping wife. I told myself that I would stay "for the kids" (we had young children and I did verify later that they were mine). I regret that decision to this day. That said, I have a bit of a different take.

I read your first post which you ended with:

"We are both here stuck wishing the other was different."

As this was not too long ago, I am assuming that not much has changed in the interim.

You also admitted that you have basically "friendzoned" each other with no real physical or much emotional intimacy. I relate to this as it was much the same with me and my first wife for a long time. We got along ok, especially in front of the kids, but never had true relational intimacy again with all that entails as spouses. Thankfully, I now have all of that and more with my current wife who is also a survivor of a brutal betrayal.

I dont think its about a pub, its location, or drinking with his buddies. I think its about deciding what you want for your life moving forward. Marital purgatory is a terrible way to live.

That said, let me ask you this:

• If he showed true lasting remorse,

• If he worked in himself consistently to be a safe partner,

• If he made time every day, every week to build communicational/relational intimacy, i.e., date nights, talking over drinks at night, walks together, weekend getaways, loving calls and texts, etc.

Would you want him as your lover, spouse, friend and partner in life?

If so, gotta communicate that to him and see if he will step up more. If not, if your heart is closed off to this possibility with him, well, after 8 years since his betrayal, isnt it time to decide?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:20 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]

My dday is very close to yours and I have to say I wouldn’t even consider putting my husband in this position. I do not think you are being dramatic, but this isn’t about his ap, it’s about his utter disregard to your feelings.if he was remorseful of what he has put you through he would make the proper boundaries to begin with.