SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I don’t think I’ve ever started my own post…. Anyway, the reconciliation is going well I would say, as well as something that almost got destroyed could go. Until it happened to me, I thought it would be destroyed. But lo and behold! I found myself in this position where I was brought without my will, without my free will. Nevertheless, because of my free will we are here today and we are trying to move forward.
And what happened today shook me and I would like your input.
I was talking to my fourteen-year-old daughter and she was telling me about a friend of hers who is in a relationship with a guy her age. He was also talking to another girl and somehow this was found out and the girl they are in a relationship found out. So my daughter said to me the following "well she has no dignity at all and she is sitting with this idiot". And we started talking and of course I asked her how she would feel if an older woman stayed with a cheating spouse. If in the event of infidelity she wouldn't leave her partner. I told her that my grandfather adored my grandmother (it's true, that's how I experienced it) but he probably did something with someone else, that's what the rumors said (my mom). And my daughter told me "okay, I understand a woman who stayed with her husband in the 1950s. But basically, the woman or man who experiences cheating should leave. She told me "Just think, if he did this he doesn't love his partner and that says something about his character in general, and the kind of person he/she has always been".

You understand that, any good argument for staying after my wh cheated on me suddenly disappeared in front of the fact that I can lose my child's respect. This thing that I didn't want to lose, I might lose it by my own choice. My daughter, my child, doesn't see any strength….she just sees weakness. I don't even know what I'm asking for with this post. I know that sometimes I really don't know what's right and what's wrong. And 3 years ago I was so sure that this, staying and trying to overcome this unacceptable thing, was the right thing for my children, but with conversations like this….I don't know what to say….

A 14 year-old has a lot to learn.

A 14 year old is too young to know what they don’t know and needs guidance…. Especially in the area of judging the actions of others while never having walked in their shoes. Remember she is the CHILD, you are the grown up.

I know! And of course you’re right. Absolutely right. My point is not that she somehow "knows better" rather what she would think of me in case she found out. It was just this sudden feeling that I had , seeing the world through her eyes, just black and white…

Might be a good learning opportunity. Is her father the man who cheated? I suspect she’d feel a lot differently if she learned the man she loves is not without sin. My daughter was the one who discovered her dad cheating. She hates cheating , but still loves him and thanks me to this day for finding the courage and strength to keep the family whole.

well she has no dignity at all and she is sitting with this idiot

Your daughter raises some valid points, and her critical thinking skills are a clear reflection of your parenting – something you should rightly be proud of.

While her perspective may lack some nuance, which is understandable for a 14-year-old, I believe it's fair to acknowledge the validity of some of her observations.

Me and your daughter align in as much as we both seem to find it difficult to grasp how one can love someone and still cheat. However the sheer volume of accounts suggests this is a real phenomenon are pretty overwhelming.

Your daughter is also correct that infidelity reveals aspects of your partner's character.

If you have compelling reasons to stay (such as children, finances, or maintaining a certain standard of living) and believe your partner is capable of change and addressing the underlying character flaws that led to the infidelity, then reconciliation can be a viable and sensible path.

However, it's also important to acknowledge that reconciliation comes at a cost. Whether it's pride, ego, dignity, or personal principles, there's undoubtedly a degree of compromise involved. Now days I believe such compromise
often goes against prevailing societal views. I believe modern society would label this as a trading in ones digitnity. I believe most people who have successfully reconciled would argue this price is well worth it.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 6:58 PM, Monday, May 26th]

I am so happy reading that. About your daughter I mean and her thoughts and feelings. Yes, her father cheated on me. it's been 3 years since dday. Things are getting better. It s just some things that still make my skin crawl and my heart sink.... 3-5 years is an accurate prediction and I still try to find balance sometimes in my own thoughts...

I think my daughter may have felt similarly to your daughter had she not experienced such abhorrent behavior from her own father. Upon discovery I went against a lot of advice and told my second daughter. I was advised it would shatter her view of him. I disagreed and to this day I have no regrets and while it did knock him down a few notches in her eyes, it also opened them up to reality and gave way to mercy and grace. Neither of my girls judge what others do in situations l. I believe it’s because of what their own family has lived through. They learned at an early age no one truly knows what another is going through and why they make the choices they do.

As for the cost I took for staying, that was going to be paid whether I stayed or left. I never felt I gave up dignity or ego. I did what was right for me and my family. The cost was the excruciating pain and that was there regardless of what I did after D day.

I don’t have any children. And yes, as a 14 yo, she has a lot of life to live.

I think this is the opportunity for you and your H to have the age appropriate conversation. For him to voice the absolute opposite of your ‘weakness’ and to explain just how truly strong you are. He needs to do the talking and explain his failures and how you have given him a gift beyond anything required.

If she finds out the truth someday or even suspects it now…she is going to recall this conversation. I don’t think I would let this chance pass you by.

I read a few of your old posts and I couldn’t exactly determine if he had moved out at some point. If so, she already knows something was not right with mom and dad.

My daughter, my child, doesn't see any strength….she just sees weakness.

I think many of us thought that the partner who stays in this situation is weak BEFORE we were ever put in this situation. We just didn't know the other side, how strong one has to be to try to get through this. How strong one has to be to see the good in another beyond one flaw, how strong one has to be to live through the indignity, to get past what others think (who really have no business judging another anyway), the strength it takes to forgive and forge forward with new eyes and a wounded heart and soul.

Drsoolers yes! those are all valid points. And let's face it. That was my opinion about infidelity before experience it. And I guess I would have left if there were no children. At least the chances woul be significantly higher.

Annieoakley he said he wanted for us to divorce, before telling me the real reason why. The same day he told her that she got her way but he wouldn t be with her either. She was threatening him u see that if he wouldn't come clean , she would. Two days later, june 25 2022 when we were discussing what brought us there, and after watching him making circles and making invalid points, i think he finally felt awful watching me trying to understand why and how we got there, and he said...well everything. I never expected something like that from this man...but my world, my reality for a year had just got an explanation. And here we are, almost three years later....

As for my kids, I just want them to be proud of me. And who knows maybe for us. It takes courage and strengh to love as much as this...

And to add to that, it also takes courage and strength to learn to love yourself equally. And that' s my side of the work needed in all this...

As for my kids, I just want them to be proud of me.

Well if your daughter is anything like me, she will be proud that you took all this unwarranted punishment for her to have a chance at a complete family unit. Not necessarily that 'It takes courage and strength to love as much as this though'. That's the intangible aspect of reconciliation that I think only certain people have the perspective to see. I for one believe this view is becoming less prevalent within society. I for one do not think its virtuous to reconcile for love. Though understandable of course.

For context, I have some personal experience in this matter. This is how I view my mother for attempting to reconcile with my father. She tried to give her kids a consistent environment. A father figure and a mother figure. She wanted to ensure the financial stability of the family to not dampen our future. Ultimately she was sacrificing her own happiness and mental well-being in a bid to ensure the happiness of her kids. If one can't respect this effort, misguided or not, then what could you respect?

My father was a serial cheat and ultimately the pain became too much for her to take. I respect her that she left him ultimately but I respect that she tried for her kids too. I do not respect my father on the other hand and have been no contact with him for around 14 years. I have rebuffed attempts from him to reach out. Hell... I do not even intend on attending his funeral

I personally wouldn't worry that she will lose respect for you. I would recommend in most cases prior to marriage and kids to leave a wayward partner, this was the context she was discussing. When you add other factors, it changes things. I'm sure she will respect your choices because it kept the family together. Whether she would make the same decisions is neither here nor there.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 12:41 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]

[This message edited by Phosphorescent at 2:44 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]